When I Fell

Falling in love is tricky. There are so many movies and books that make it seem so easy and passionate and right but in the real word it's confusing and exciting and fun and frustrating and in the real world, things get in the way.



Ruby's point of view

Rape isn't something you ever think about happening to you. 

Jason got what he wanted and then went back to the club before anybody noticed had left. Now I am left, frozen, just lying there while tears roll down my cheeks. I have no idea what to think. I don't want to think anything because every time I try, it gets too much. Was it even what I think it was? I'm sure it was what I think it was but what if it wasn't? And what if it was my fault?

I don't know anything, I just know I can't tell anybody. They won't believe me. They'll think it's my fault. They'll hate me for getting Jason into trouble and I don't even want to get him into trouble. I don't want him to go to jail, I don't want his life to be ruined in case I made a mistake. I don't hate him. I don't feel anything for him. 

It just seems best to keep quiet.

I feel numb. I eventually drag myself off the couch and get changed and crawl into bed. It takes all I have to do that. I'm shaky and I feel sick and I just feel broken. I can't look at myself in the mirror, I can't look at my body as I get changed. It's no longer my body, it's no longer the body I like, it's his. He claimed it. I lie there for hours, completely numb. I can't process this, I have no idea where to start.

It just seems best not to think. 

I eventually hear the front door open and Jonas, Carrie and Chris laughing. I feel weak and force myself not to cry again even though I really want to. I want to tell them, to make sense of it all, but I can't. I know I can't. So I keep quiet. I hear them having a conversation as they all stand around in the kitchen.

"Where's Ruby?" Jonas says. "She came home, right?" 

"Yeah, she did." Chris says.

"I think she's gone to bed." Carrie says and they all agree. 

A couple of hours later when everybody else has gone to bed, I hear my bedroom door open and close my eyes, taking a deep breath. Chris. I had tried not think about him but I have to handle this now. I can't be with him, not now. This body, this face, that he loves isn't his anymore. It's not even mine. It's Jason's. Even the person he fell in love with isn't here anymore. I can't stand the thought of him even touching me. 

"Hey." he says in that cheery tone of his. He has no idea. Nobody has any idea. 

"You have to go." I say, aware that anybody who hears my voice will be able to tell I've been crying. My entire body is shaking as I stand up out of bed, walking over to him. 

"Huh? Ruby, the others are in bed, don't worry-"

"No you have to go." I insist, pushing him out of the door. "We can't be together anymore Chris, you have to leave."

He frowns, standing his ground. "What do you mean we can't be together anymore? Ruby, tell me what's happening."

"I just don't want to be with you anymore, Chris, just leave me alone. Go." I push him hard and shut the door behind me. Somewhere within me I want to scream and cry hard and sob but I don't. I just sit on the floor and let the tears roll down my cheeks.

The next day is our last full day here. I just want to go home but I know I can't. I also can't stand the thought of seeing everybody and I don't even have to think about seeing Jason to know that that would be unbearable. I can't even bring myself to tell them that I don't feel very well as an excuse so I just let them assume that I'm not well and I stay in bed all day. 

The next morning on the flight, I keep my head down to avoid looking at anybody and to kid myself that Jason isn't there. I look at Chris at one point though. He looks heartbroken. He hasn't shaved, he has dark circles under his eyes which are red. I feel terrible but I know it's for the best for both of us. It's best for everybody that I just keep to myself now.

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