"What are you afraid of?" The question asked as I stared. Finally I typed in my reply, sending it to my blog.
"I'm afraid of standing up for myself and other people. I'm afraid of letting people know who I am. Don't make these your fears too. I'm just a coward."


3. Three

September 19, 2012

Dear Autumn, 

It is a Monday, and my parents knew me well enough that I detested Mondays. It wasn't Monday itself, rather it was because of school. If Mondays were off too with Saturday and Sunday, I would feel the same passionate hate for Tuesday, not Monday.

When I went to the kitchen with a grin plastered on my face eating a big bowl of Cheerios, chirping every reply I gave to my parents, they seemed suspicious. But I wouldn't blame them. I acted like this because I had ten notes on my first posts. Ten wasn't much, but it touched my heart. I also received some questions, though some of them weren't really questions, just saying thank you. I love them so much. I was glad I was helping them.

When I arrived at school, Kyle was a loner, sulking around the school like he was on his way to his death on an electric chair. News spread fast, but the guy bullying him was Mason, one of the "popular" dudes at school. I didn't mention his name two entries ago because although he seemed familiar I racked my brain but I didn't remember his name.

The teachers didn't even go out of the classrooms and I was awkwardly staring at my schedule in my planner, being a coward. Yup, I hated the school. It was too bad I couldn't go to another school, let alone move to another country.

Comments from most people were thrown at him but he smiled like he was proud. And I would be proud too, except when I saw his smile, I knew it was fake and it didn't quite reach his eyes. I'm saying that as an expression, not literally.

After looking at him for a fair amount of seconds I continued to look at my planner, the comments being more and more unoriginal.


"Gay faggot!"

"Go die, no one likes gays ew!"

"I would never date you even if you were straight."

"Aye you lookin' for someone to bang tonight? Laughing 'cause that is never going to happen."


"You're so gay!"

"I should have expected you were gay!"

I heard that gay meant happy. Why were they using that as an insult?

"Dude you're an ugly ass who doesn't even deserve to live."

He didn't choose to be gay. I swear I clenched my planner so tightly I thought it was going to bend like that forever. I wanted to stand up but I couldn't. Tears blurred my vision. I heard that people did horrible things to take away the pain. There was drugs, sex, cutting . . .

Okay. I am now in class and I have extra time in my hands so I decided to write in this. It doesn't hurt, journals aren't babyish. I just finished a test. A Math test. It was killing me, since I was thinking of Kyle and Math at the same time. 

I want to befriend Kyle, but he will be all like "What? Why will you befriend an ugly gay who doesn't deserve to live?" And I don't want that. Maybe that's why I don't want to stand up to people at my school. I'm afraid of the pain ahead. I'm afraid of the teasing that's going to be directed to me.




Kyle has a Tumblr. I repeat, Kyle has a Tumblr. Kyle. Has. A. Tumblr. He liked my post. The icon thingy on his blog is him. He confessed that he was gay openly to his followers and they didn't judge him. That part that is unfortunate is that his posts recently are really sad posts, pictures showing that might trigger some people.

Stupid people at school, including me.

BUT the good news is- I sent him a message! Him. Oh, and follow him, too. The message was encouraging and I left a question at the end. Hopefully he would answer it.

What I said: Hey. Just thought I'd let you know that you're NOT worthless. You're here for a reason. Promise. I'm from your school, and I'm not being a stalker but I noticed how upset you were and I wanted to help but I couldn't because I'm a coward. "Stay strong" and "I'm sorry" are stupid phrases sometimes. Sometimes you have to let go what you've been wanting to say or do. Idek what I'm talking about but promise me you be proud that you're gay, OK?

And if he wasn't that Kyle I will die because hashtag embarrassing. I waited. Right now I'm writing all this since I'm done my homework. Fascinating, really, since I had been too hyped for my blog. My first post had fifteen notes, and I started to answer more questions frequently. Was this just a dream? 

Oh, dinner. Mom called me BYE! <3

With cheesy advice and cliché ideas,

Elizabeth Joy. 


(A/N Comment and like maybe? :) ♥)

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