October 10, 2012
Dear Autumn, there's nothing to say except for the fact that I am a bitch, I am a slut, I do not help anyone.
I feel alone.
I feel like deleting that blog, but I can't.
I feel so down-in-the-dumps. This isn't like me, and I'm tearing up right now. This isn't right. None of this is.
"You help me, where are you? :("
"You're amazing, don't let the haters get to you ♥"
"I need help, come back on bc ur amazing :( <3"
That is all bullcrap. I don't help, and if I do help, I fail.
God, I'm crying. I'm crying so bad, and these words--I can barely write. They're all wiggly and squiggly and blah :(
Kyle noticed me today outside of school at the cafeteria at the mall where I was eating French fries alone while Mom went to Walmart. He was wearing a grey T-shirt and black shorts, along with a bunch of bracelets on both hands. I sighed as I watched him. People from school and some people I didn't even know made fun of me. Some said thank you. I ignored them all, except for Kyle. I wanted to know if he was okay. He sat across me on the table, grabbed one of the fries and ate it. That gesture made me want to cry. I never had friends at my school. Yeah, people were nice, but that was it. Mutual "friendships."
"I've seen you getting bullied. Tough stuff," he remarked. I looked at him with cold eyes, my face pale. I paid attention to him, and he continued while the cafeteria was noisy. I managed to hear him through the noise. "There's no point in saying 'sorry' because sometimes 'sorry' is a shitty word." He sighed, fidgeting with another one of my fries in his hand. He looked up at me and smiled, something a friend might do. Again, his gesture made me want to cry. "It was nice of you messaging me on Tumblr the day you saw me like your post," he commented sincerely. "It made my day, and I wanted to know who wrote it, since the message said the person came to my school. So when I saw that magazine, you were not who I expected. But thank you." He smiled at me, the edges of his eyes glistening with tears. I wanted to speak, I really did, but no words formed out of my mouth. "Thank you so much." A tear slipped out of his eye. His voice cracked. "I-I really needed it and thought no one really would love me after--" he took a deep breath, "after they knew who I was." It was silent after that, despite the laughing and the conversations among other tables.
"You deserved it." I said quietly. "Actually, everyone deserves to be happy." And everyone did. Kyle smiled, leaning over and grabbing another fry.
"I didn't believe I was . . . you know, gay . . . after seventh grade where we played spin the bottle at this party." I remembered that party. "I kissed Samantha Brooke." I remembered that part. "It seemed . . . unnatural. I started to question myself. Did I like girls, or did I like guys? One day my curiosity gotten too far and I checked out . . . some sites." He bit his lip, embarrassed. To be honest, he shouldn't be. I mean, he should be proud. "I checked out the girls sites. I felt really bad for them, being all nude and stuff like--maybe they were thirsty, wanting some fun with men. And then I went to the men's site, and," he paused and shifted uncomfortably. "I think you know what happened next." My eyes widened as he grimaced. "It felt good, really. It felt good to know who I was. But I was scared to tell my parents, so I created a Tumblr. Thank God Tumblr was created. It helped me a lot." I smiled.
"I know it does," I said quietly. It was true. There was funny things, helpful things, gifs of every sort, who didn't like Tumblr?
"And that helped me. But knowing someone from the school helped me made me feel more better. So thank you once again." He grinned, his crooked teeth showing. He was a bit attractive, I must admit--shh, secret! "If you need anything, I'm here for you. Always." He took another one of my fries and kissed my cheek in a friendly gesture and walked away.
He's the same like other people. He just loved someone with the same parts as him. It was wrong of me to think that since I'm a Christian, but I would never judge, no matter how wrong it was. Seeing him happy was all what mattered.
I'm still sad, but I will try something. I will go out to school and stand up for people. I will write on a piece of paper how thankful I am for things. I will answer as many questions as I can on the blog, ignoring the haters.
It will hurt, but I don't care. I won't care.
With love, sadness and standing up for myself,
(A/N This book has probably two more chapters, and I can't fathom how great writing this book is, that words can make a difference (: Even if I don't win the Mahala contest (because believe me, ALL of the entries are amazing <3), it's still a good experience writing this. That's all for now, comments and hearts motivate me! Love you! ♥)