Words

"What are you afraid of?" The question asked as I stared. Finally I typed in my reply, sending it to my blog. "I'm afraid of standing up for myself and other people. I'm afraid of letting people know who I am. Don't make these your fears too. I'm just a coward."

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5. Five

October 2, 2012

Dear Autumn

Happy birthday to me. I haven't talked to you since forever, and I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. The hate was getting to me and I was crying in my bed and Kyle got sadder now and half of the hate said I wasn't helping them, that I should deactivate and half of them aren't even anon! That took guts, Autumn. That took way too much power.

Despite that, I got my blog on a magazine! These workers asked if they could put my answers on their magazine and I said yes. That was amazing and they interviewed me and all that. I was so oblivious that time, since they were putting my information on the magazine. Did I mention it was a popular one? Maybe it was Tiger Beat. I don't really care anymore.

I'd gotten teased and bullied physically for helping gays and bullied people. I didn't stand up. I never did. I just let them punch and kick me until I withered on the ground, blood all over, staying still and wanting to die. I deserve it, really, but still I didn't have the guts to deactivate the blog. It meant something to me. It really did.

Class is over and now it is break time. I am writing this in the bathroom with my butt on the chair thing. Tears are falling and I'm secretly praying for no one to catch me in here. It seems too cliché, like this moment is made for a book or something, but this is reality, and reality is this generation, and this generation is stupid rude and idiotic.

I feel like crying. I feel numb to the bones. I feel sick. I don't want to eat. I want to stay home. I want to do nothing at all.

The bullying started once everyone read the magazine. The next day after the magazine was published a group of kids called me, and I was stupid enough to think that they wanted to be friends with me. In the end, they beat me up, telling me comments that made my heart melt in fear.

"In the end, you're helping queers after all haha!"

"What, you scared too?"

"GASP! Never saw that coming."

"I hate you."

"Bitch."

"Attention seeker."

"Go die."

Broken and bruised. It hurts, Autumn, it really does. I'm tired of being a coward. I'm tired of being someone . . . stupid. I'm tired of everything, and I just want to stand up for myself and for others.

Maybe I will though.

Maybe not today or tomorrow, and maybe not next week, but someday.

The bell rang. I almost slipped you into the toilet water. Sorry! Love you!

With broken hearts, broken bones, broken minds and teared holes, 

(I know "teared" isn't a word but it rhymed-sorta-),

Elizabeth Joy.

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