*** I did the right thing leaving Liam. But I also feel bad about it. He was so sweet and he probably expected much more of me. But I couldn't give it, why do I have to be so afraid of falling in love with someone. Or maybe it's because he's a boy? I don't know what to think anymore, but I've been crying. Because he probably won't ever have a real feeling towards me. He is just is trying something different. And I am just someone who is gonna try it with him. But on the moment he leaves me for someone better or a girl. I'll be the left broken piece and I don't want to be that afterwards. Just for now I only want to be his best friend. I hope he is understanding that too. When I come home my mom her car is on the drive in so I park my car in front of the house. I walk in and walk to the kitchen. 'Hey mom' I say looking at the ground. Walking to the fridge for a drink. 'Hey Niall, how was it with Liam?' 'It was nice, thanks for asking.' 'Love? Is there something wrong with you? You are constantly looking at the ground. Look up' After a big breath I raise my head with my red eyes from crying. 'You've been crying? What's the matter? Weren't they nice to you?' 'No mom, it's fine. They were sweet. There is nothing wrong with them. ' 'But there is something wrong with you, tell me' 'Mom, I don't think it's a great time to discuss that.' 'What that? Is it on school? Are you getting bullied? I-' 'No, what are you even thinking. I'm not getting bullied. Just drop it yeah?' 'No! Niall James Horan, you aren't going upstairs without telling me what's wrong!' You know what fuck it. 'I just don't know how to put it. I, Yeah, I am just not normal.' 'What are you saying not normal?' 'Mom listen, and please don't get mad. I almost k--' The lock of the door. Dad can't see me this way. 'Maura?' My dad is yelling. My way to run upstairs. 'Yes?' She answers walking to the living room and I run upstairs. 'Niall! We aren't finished talking!' My mom starts yelling. But I'm glad I am upstairs. Peace. And sleep. I lay down in my bed and with all my clothes on I fall asleep.
My daily alarm clock is making to much noise to me and I drop it off. Letting out a really big groan. I sit straight on my bed, I hear my mom leaving and than I start walking to my bathroom. Striping my clothes of and walking into the shower. After that I put some new clothes on and walk downstairs. I take an apple and my backpack and start walking too school. I finely look to my phone for the first time since I left Liam yesterday eve and I have 5 missed calls and 10 messages. The calls were from Liam like expected, also the most of the text were from him. Another from my mom and a girl from my class for a project. 'Ni, where are you? I'm sorry' 'I didn't ment to hurt you' 'I am so so sorry' 'I love you' 'I am sorry' 'Please let me know something' 'I won't do anything to you' 'If you want to leave I understand' He really is sorry, but it's not his fault it's mine. I'm too weak and too scared to do this all. I don't know why but it is and I hate myself for that. When I enter the school Liam is sitting under "our" tree. It's the place were we come together after the classes. It's nice over there, we can see the whole school. I slowly walk to him, he stands up when he sees me coming. 'Please sit back down' I say 'Ni, I-' 'Liam, just let me talk for a second yeah?' I say when I sit down next to him 'I just don't know okay? I like the way we treat each other, I love the way you do things together with me. Because no one ever did this to me, and yeah I have a feeling of loving you. But I know that you are my best friend. And almost kissing you yesterday made me think. What if we have feelings towards each other? What if we would try? Just to figure out if we are even gay. I would always be the most broken out of the relationship, and I don't want that. I am too scared to even fall in love with you. Maybe you want things I don't want and I am scared of loving someone like I want to love you. But also what if we are dating for a month or two and we start going out, meeting new people. And you fall inlove with one of them, then you will break up with me and I just don't want to be hurt by the person who I love. So I just want to keep you as my best friend, we can see how it all figures out. Please understand me because I know deep down in my heart I'm doing the right thing for now. But also know that I love you, like any other lover will.' I end my sentence with tears streaming down my face. I am such a coward. I feel so humiliated. Liam is looking at me, with tears in his eyes. 'Niall, I never knew that you thought that way. What made you think all of that? I love you for who you are. You are special to me, I'm your best friend. And I am also scraed for what we were doing how we would react on each other. Because I love you too. I love you with my heart. And I will be your best friend, we won't stop doing things together. I will be there for you and you will be there for me. Forever and always. That's what I say of it. But please stop thinking I'm going to hurt you because I don't ever want to do that. And also please stop crying, 1) because I'm not worth all your tears and 2) because you are so much more prettier when you laugh.' and a little smile apears throug my tears, I love this idiot. He wipes away my tears an pulls me in a hug. 'Forever and always' I whisper in his ear when the school bell rings.
I'm glad me and Liam talked about it, and told each other how we felt. It feels like a huge object falling of my shoulder. We love each other, but we know we have to wait. I walk in my Math class and I look around but Harry isn't here, and Louis isn't here either. Maybe they will skip class? I hate Math, it's hard and I don't understand it. The 50 minutes of class are not going fast if you ask me. After this another hour of Fysics and than I'll be with Liam. Finely.