My mind was racing so much that my violin teacher sent me home because I just could not concentrate. I caught Carla on her way out, and she offers to give me a ride. Surprised, but also desperate, because I don't think I could walk home without incident, I hop in.
For a minute, we were quiet, and I thought that she wasn't going to bring up anything from today, but she unfortunately does. I end up telling her everything that happened. About Terrance being annoying, Sky acting weird, and about me being so effected by some kid I don't even know. She stays quiet until I'm finished talking, then she asks a question that surprises me the most. "Do you think this is bothering you because you might actually like Skyler as more than a friend?"
I open my mouth to reply, but nothing comes out. I was stumped, and after she drives away, I go up to my room to think this over in my head. He was acting weird today, because of "A certain girl" Emma had said. I had assumed that was Lynzie, because she likes him, but none of us knew for sure if he liked her back. Could that certain girl be me?
Did I want it to be? Sky and I are just friends, but what if we were more? I would never want to risk our friendship, but lately, it's almost felt like our relationship had intensified, like we were becoming more than just friends. Every time we're together he drives me off the wall insane, like I'm either randomly irritated or crazy giddy. And when he touches me, I feel sparks.
But that was nothing compared to how Daymien made me feel. Every time I see him, it's like we are the only two people there. The air is like electricity every time he comes near, his touch leaves my skin feeling tingly, my whole body is on fire, and he gives me that feeling of butterflies in the stomach. From the first moment I saw him, he was all I could think about, like we had some sort of connection, but I know absolutely nothing about him. He's a complete mystery, which intrigues me, but he also scares me.
He was so quiet, then out of nowhere, he became very cross with me. It almost seems like it had something to do with Terrance, because he was upset to find out I had a boyfriend. And also upset to find out that I didn't. I think back to that moment in the hallway.
"I see what kind of girl you are. I should have known, poor Sky."
Even he saw the thing between me and Sky, and he thought I was using Skyler as a toy, since I referred to my relationship with Terrance as a game.
I'm still confused, though. I mean, I know the connection I felt with Daymien, but he obviously felt nothing, because he wouldn't let me in. So why did he care about my relationships with either of them? Is it because he didn't want to be seen hanging out with a slut?
I don't know, maybe I should just forget about him. Maybe we'll end up being friends someday? What I do know is, Sky and I can only be friends and nothing more, because I could never risk losing him. He means too much to me, and I know I'm not the right girl for him. If he waits, I know he'll find her some day. He just has to keep an open mind.
Ugh I can't take it anymore! I need to sort all of this out already before it kills me! I grab my journal and start writing everything out...
I don't even know who I am anymore! I look around my bedroom, my pink bedroom with unicorns on the walls and stars on the ceiling. At look at all my decorations, my band posters on the walls trying to cover up the unicorns, my black bedspread against the pink walls and black furniture against the white carpet. My whole life is full of contradictions, doing one thing but wanting something completely different. Always doing what's expected of me, even though I get a new surprise every time I turn a corner.
You know what, no more. I can't stand this internal fighting anymore. I want to be my own person, I want to show the world who I really am, I want what I want for once. I mean, do you know what it's like to want something so badly, with your whole entire body, as soon as you lay eyes on it? Knowing with your whole being that it's somehow, someway, meant to be...?
That's how I've felt my whole life, wanting but never grasping, hoping that one day it'll come to me, that it was meant to be, so it therefore, at some point, would be.
But I can't wait anymore. I need to know what it's like to be my own person. I need the world to see the real me. I need to know that it's okay to be an artist, that it's okay to be a musician, that it's okay to give back to others and not expect anything in return. Because that is who I am. Because those are the things that I love, the way all of those things feel.
But at the same time, nothing compares to the way Daymien makes me feel.
From the moment I saw him, I felt it.
That feeling, it was like when I play my guitar, write my music, poems, my stories, it was like drawing, and it was like solving all of the world's problems, all combined into a whole.
He was like all of those things, and so much more.
He was like all those things, but way better...
I know what I want, so while my parents aren't home, I grab my purse and race down the stairs. This is going to be so much fun...