What I Want

Do you know what it's like to want something so badly, with your whole entire body, as soon as you lay eyes on it? Well, that's what it was like the moment I first saw him. It was like the feeling I got when I practice my music, play around with my art, or even how it felt to help out Earth's creatures. Yes, it was like all those feelings, but better... *Parents' perfect angel pretending to be somethings she really isn't...What happens when the real her comes out? Can she keep living the classical life her parents raised her to have, or will she be chased to where there's no return?


20. I'm Done, So Done

        Truth Or Dare died down quickly, but the talking, joking, and laughing continued. I lean on Daymien's side, a mere observer, but enjoying my friends nonetheless. I watch him laugh, bellow so openly, wide smile, his muscles tensing and jostling joyfully. I look over at him, reveling in his beauty. He turns and meet my eyes with his sparkling blue ones, intensifying the room instantly. He slides to his feet without a word, leading me away from our friends in laced hands.

        We enter a spare bedroom. My pulse quickens as he pulls me towards the bed. He sits on the edge, patting the spot across from him. There's a serious look in his eyes, one that's all talk, no play. My heart sinks, but does nothing to kill my quickening pulse, awaiting the conversation ahead. I sit and watch him quietly as he contemplates when to speak, what to say.

        "Do you really intend to marry him?" His voice is small, shaky, broken. He doesn't look up as he speaks, but down a his lap, playing with twitchy, anxious fingers. I let out a deep, harsh sigh that gets caught in my throat, practically choking me. I couldn't speak, didn't know what he expected me to say. I have to. This is what my parents want, what they've made happen. This is what they expect of me. They are making me. I have no choice in the matter. I've always known the day would come. Never wanted it to, but knew it would. But I thought I'd be ready, would have time to prepare, to practice and get used to the idea of acting becoming reality. I never expected to get married right out of High School, never imagined that was what our parents would want for us. But here they are, dragging me down yet again, deeper than ever. My heart is literally breaking, spirit draining.

        "Yes," I say, barely above a whisper. But we both hear it. His every being echos his reaction to that one single word. I grab his arm to assure him we're still together as much as to keep him from leaving me. "Daymien, wait!" I blink away forming tears. "I've never, never thought about living a life all my own. Dreaming is useless if it's about something that'll never be. But that all changed when I met you. You made me want things I've never before considered, made me feel alive for the first time in my entire life. I've never believed in love, knew it wasn't something I'd ever get. Then you came along and filled me with hope and so many dreams, so many things still impossible for me. Things just happen, all on their own...Everything has a reason."

        I wasn't sure if I was trying to tell him to stay with me or to forget about me and move on. I know what I want, but it's everything I could never have. In the end, all that matters is his own happiness. I want what's best for him. Even if it hurts. Because it does. I didn't think anything could hurt worse than forcing those words out. But I was wrong. Hearing them makes everything all the more real.

        "I told you when we met I wasn't interested in playing games. I don't let people in, ever. Then you came along and barged through the barriers of my mind. I couldn't keep you out, but I also didn't want to. But I'm done, Charlotte. Done. We're done." He gets up without a word or a single look back. Just rushed through the door, slamming it shut behind him. Over the sound and the rattling of the walls, there's only me. My heart shatters, only spirit inside me burst. Everything's hallow. I feel dead inside. But was I ever really alive?

        I was, during my all too short time with Daymien. But all that was, was a big fat joke, on my part.

        Who was I kidding?

        People like me don't get happy endings.

        I lost him.

        He's gone.

        And it's at no fault but my own.

        My fault...

        A foreign sound, a gut wrenching sob, tears through me. I slump to the floor, hugging my knees, muscled shaking, too weak to even cry. The bedroom door opens, people hovering over me, kneeling down beside me. Touching me and saying things that only make it all worse. But how could I care? I couldn't get myself to respond a single bit. I was stuck wallowing in my own little shattering world.

        "Charlie, are you okay?"

        "What's wrong?"

        "What happened?"

        "What's going on?"

        "Daymien left in a hurried fit."

        My heart constricts at the sound of his name. My body flinches, tenses, and they see it, read it's meaning.

        "Charlie, honey. What. Happened?"

        Could I tell them we broke up? They're only trying to help. I want to talk to them. I do. But no words come out. Nothing in my mind pieces together into any sense.

        Except that we didn't brake up. We were never really together.

        And eventually, I'll have to return home. All too soon, I will, and I'll have to face my parents. Terrance, too. I'll go back to pretending like everything was okay. For everyone's sake but my own. I don't know how I'l do it. How can I look at anyone and not think of the boy I really love? How can I face the people who are at fault for keeping him from me? How will I be able to move on from this, to continue living?

        How will life go on?

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