Paris! Breathtaking! It was absolutely beautiful. Just Hunter, and I. Ara sent photos of Sebastian. Hunter Skyped with them. I have to say the statue doesn't do Ara justice. People still lay flowers there for her. Truthfully it was nice to be free. No kids, no nausea. It was perfect. The MRI was clear. So now I need to get back to working. Rose, and Renesmee are nannying and I offered to pay, but they refused.
We’re back home, and I’m pooped. I put Sebastian down for the night. I decided to pick up my book. Gabriel's Inferno by Sylvain Reynard. Brooding arse, who has an attraction to his student. No not odd, at all. Esme insisted on it. She said Gabriel, and I are similar in certain aspects. She smiled, and write on the inside, "Even Angels have days where they're down." Love Mom. The pain Gabriel experiences right away, strikes a chord with me. "Reading?" Hunter smiled, sitting beside me. I nodded, "Yes finally quiet enough." That took Hunter back, "Whoa. Wasn't expecting that as a response." I set my book down, and looked at him. "What?" He held my hand, "Well how was it not quiet before?" I shake my head, "Everyone asking about Paris, and the pictures. Just kept my phone busy." Hunter nodded, "Yeah everyone is always excited to see what others thought of it." He kissed my neck. "My beautiful wife." He grinned, and we headed upstairs. It was Paris, all over again. Candles, caressing, kissing, and much more.
Hunter fell asleep, after he took a shower. I took a shower, and dressed. I walked in to check on Sebastian. Sound asleep. I stood there watching him. I knew he was mine, but I just couldn’t feel this overwhelming glow they portray in movies. I was twenty six, and had my first child. There I felt like I threw away the last four years in my twenties.
Rose is playing with Sebastian, "I'm going to get my little wolf." He coos, and Rose smiles. I watch quietly, pretending to enjoy it. Something's wrong, and I know it's wrong. "Hey little man. Daddy has to go to work. You behave for Auntie Rose, and mommy." Hunter kissed Sebastian, and I; then he was out the door. I see Rose looking at me. "Hey someone's starting to get hungry. Should I give him a bottle, or do you want to nurse?" I shrug, "It's up to you." Rose smiled, "I will let you nurse him. You need mommy, and baby time." I looked at her, "I nursed earlier, and I've pumped for him. Maybe he has gas." Rose sighed, "I will try a bottle." She took him, and fetched a bottle.
Stretching with the morning sun, I feel the mask is back on, my mum and dad somehow know it.
"Where are you off to?" Carlisle asks.
"To see Leah." I reply.
"You're supposed to be resting, it isn't even two days, you have refused to see Fred, why?" He puts his hands against my cheeks.
"I'll be back later," looking into my dad's eyes, "arrange with him to be here at 4." I'm still tired, still I kiss him on the cheek and get going.
Just arriving at Leah's, knocking I walk in, "Hey Leah, hi Rose." I call out gently.
Rose looks up, and holds onto Sebastian, "She's in the bathroom."
I hug Rose and kiss Sebastian, "She’s not holding out too good is she?"
Rose shook her head, "Oh she put on a great mask for Hunter. With me, she shrugged off nursing him." Sebastian coo'd and Rose smiled at him, “Mommy loves you baby boy. She’s just tired.” Rose looked up at Ara feeling lost.
I admit something to Rose, "I do the exact same, I shrug everything off," sighing, "something's going on and," I'm lost for words.
Rose looked at her, "With who exactly? Both of you?" Rose smiled, and looked towards the stairs, "She's coming."
"We’ve got a lot going on, both of us." I chuckle, "this could be fun." I turn, ready to face Leah.
Rose smirks, "Don't we all." I headed downstairs, and smiled, "Hi Ara." I carefully took Sebastian from Rose, and held him, "Hey little man." I cradled him carefully, and walked into the sun room, and positioned him to nurse. I covered myself, and swallowed. He took right to it, and held him, watching as the leaves were falling off our trees.
I grin, "If only you knew," smiling, "hey sis," I follow her in but sit at the other end of the sunroom to give her privacy, "how are you?" I ask.
I smile, "I'm great, and you. You're fine you can sit closer, I'm covered. It's more or less to keep me warm. I get chilly, plus it helps him focus." I gently stroke his back.
I move a bit closer, "I can't buy that Leah, I know you have good days and bad days but you can't hide it from me, something is eating you alive, twisting your soul, I'd like to know, I'd like to help."
I look at her, "I have a few years left in my twenties. That's when I'm supposed to be traveling. Seeing the world. Enjoying exotic foods. Then in my thirties settle down, have kids."
"Ah," moving closer, "plans that didn't quite work out the way you planned huh?" I pat her knee gently.
I look at Ara, "Phasing freezes the body. Why didn't I phase for six years. Someone must have known this would have happened."
"Maybe you're body clocked off? Decided to resume it's normal thing? Hun I have no idea, maybe we could do some research later in the week?" I smile.
I look at her, "This can't leave the room. Hunter thinks I'm happy, and I love being a mother." Rose knocked on the door frame, "I can take him if you want?" She looked at Ara.
I cross my heart with my finger, "I swear it will never leave my lips." Sighing, "Sometimes we're so confused because plans didn't work out," kissing her cheek, I look between Rose and Leah, "only if you'd like to Rose, no pressure."
I bit my lip so hard, trying to not cry. Rose caught the scent in the air, before she saw it, "Oh God Leah. Stop hun." She quickly disappeared grabbing a wet wash cloth, and bringing it back. I'm starting to tremble. Sebastian just doesn't feel connected with me." Rose handed the wash cloth to Ara, "Please don't bite your lip again. I'm not hungry, but it means you've hurt yourself."
The scent of blood drifts by my nostrils, I close my eyes trying not to throw up, "Oh hunny, please don't cry." Rose hands me the washcloth, "Thanks. Can you take him for a bit?" Rose nods and takes Sebastian. "We'll be ok Rose, promise." She smiles and walks out, I huddle up to Leah and put my arm around her, "The connection is there, it's just slow coming."
"He seems to like Hunter better. I'm just not meant to be a mom. It's stupid to think I could be a mom." I start to cry, and curl up.
"Leah, they've bonded, you're sad and angry that the connection isn't there, no its not stupid, you're gonna do great." Rubbing my temple, "Don't throw this opportunity away, keep trying, little steps make great progress." I'm saddened to see her so defeated.
I look at Ara, "I can't nurse him anymore. It's just so painful. Even pumping is horrible. They say, oh you should do it because it's good for him." I swallow, and look at her, "I just thought it would be easier. You see these other mom's who are so energetic, and full of life. I'm tired."
I stare into her eyes, "Then don't. Switch to formula." Growling a little, "Although it is good for him, you also have to do what is best for you," hugging her, "they haven't gone through all the heartache and pain you've been through."
I hug her back, "Do we have to tell Hunter? I know he knows something is wrong. I feel like," it catches my breath, and I'm afraid to say it.
"Not yet we don't," I prompt her, "please finish." I rub her shoulder.
"Ever since the bites, I've felt different. I felt weak. I was over powered. I was created to destroy them, and yet I was bit by one." The nausea is eating at me.
"It's probably psychological but there again I'm not you," laying down next to Leah, "they saw the advantage and took it, if you weren't pregnant, it would have been a new ball game," I can tell she feels sick, "take a deep breath, you won."
I inhale deeply, and exhale. "I look at her. When they bit me, I was so afraid of everyone losing me. It wasn't a lot, but what if it didn't' stop. I imagined Sebastian growing up with Hunter. I imagined HIM, stealing Sebastian from my womb." I look at her, and close my eyes fighting back the fear.
Swallowing hard, "I don't have a clue what the consequences would have been if they had continued, if he had touched him, I would have gone to hell and back to get him home." I blink back the tears that are so close.
I'm trembling, "I love that little boy. There's not doubt there. It's been teetering these past few months. I'm not sure if it's being overwhelmed, or what's exactly going on. I guess I let my imagination run free, and had this perfect picture painted."
"It is perfectly fine to paint a picture hun, just don't finish it too soon, you may change your mind about the color." I rest my head lightly on her chest.
I whisper, "I feel like I've lost control of my life. To have her invade my dreams. My labor, and delivery were harder then I thought they would be. Most of all, I miss my dad."
"It all comes down to change sweetie," inhaling deeply, "he will always be around for you, wish I could say that time heals but I'd be lying," smiling a little, "what would you say to him if you could speak with him? What would you do?"
I looked at her, "That I miss him so much. That I wish he could hold Sebastian. Just to hug him one last time. Apologize for the temper, before the phase." I smile a little. He was such an amazing man. Charlie is also, Everyone in my life is amazing. I just feel as though he was taken too soon. I blame one vampire for doing that. She got hers, but it's still hard."
I get down on my knees and cup her hands gently, "Leah, in my heart and soul you are my sister, I love you more than life itself, each one of you is amazing," gulping, "I could if I chose, to give you the only gift I can, I'm scared it would break your heart and I would be responsible for it."
I looked at her, and shook my head. "It's nice to think that my father is still around. The wind chimes, thinking I saw him. When you wish hard enough, you can see things you're desperate for. I'm a wolf, no magical abilities. I've never been on the edge of death. I can't have you hurt yourself for my selfish gain." I lean my forehead against hers. "I will continue to try for Hunter, and Sebastian. I'm just afraid of hurting Hunter."
"You did see him, trust me," smiling, "I've been on the edge several times, I'm not afraid," sitting next to her, "this wouldn't hurt me, I am sure of it, let me grant your one wish, it isn't selfish of you," resting my head on hers, "you hurt him more by not being honest, yes that's coming from someone who can't open up."
I look at her, and shake my head, "He's gone. I need to realize it. People move on." I feel a headache starting, and I'm nauseated. I've worked myself up, and now it's coming out. "He knows I'm depressed. That night we were together, when you gave us the tickets." I looked at her, "Did he say anything?"
"I understand," all the stress is acting on her body, "only that you're afraid to upset anyone and that the one time he was angry with you, he thought he had broken you."
I look at her, "He was angry because I hadn't told him about the battle. I'd written a letter to him. He still has never opened it." I start crumbling, "I was so afraid he wouldn't talk to me. I'm terrified of upsetting anyone. That includes Sebastian." I swallow and rub my stomach.
"I was there, watching, I wanted to join but my demons kept me from doing it," cradling Leah, "don't be afraid of upsetting people, I'd rather you do that than bottle it in to a point it breaks your spirit." I start rocking Leah gently.
I hug her, "Sam said he wished I disappeared. I never felt so worthless when I was a wolf before. Then Jacob didn't want me in his pack either." I swallow remembering, "Nobody wanted me."
"Look at how far you've come Leah," shaking it off, "I've never been wanted, I never allowed it, until recently, you accepted me without question, except Sam of course but I'm not wasting energy on him," I smile, "we shall fight our demons together." I kiss her forehead.
"I promise to be there when there's no hope or light."
I looked at her, and I spoke softly, "I'm just tired. I feel like I'm always fighting with demons, with life. Since Harry has been born, I don't feel wanted, or needed for that matter."
"Sibling jealousy, it is common," breathing, "Sebastian needs you, Hunter needs you, you're wanted, I want you, I'd want you to be happy and treasure every moment, once that moment goes, we can't get it back," hugging her, "you are wanted, don't choose to be invisible, choose to be whoever it is you choose to be."
I spoke softly, "I just feel so overwhelmed. Our first day home, Hunter was looking at the wall. He said there would be a picture of the three of us, then the four of us, then the five us maybe."
"Tell him you feel overwhelmed, let him in every now and again," looking at the way the wind is picking up, "I'd agree with him," smiling, "but don't tell him that, he's trying to keep your spirits up, I believe what I said that day, Lucas is wrong," looking at my watch, 2pm, not long til doomsday, "time will tell."
"Can you be there. It sounds stupid." I look at the wall, seeing the picture of the three of us. It does fit perfectly. "We had beautiful nights in Paris. Then last night as well. I'm not sure if I can do it again. I know he wants more. I think I'm afraid. I couldn't have asked for a better set of coaches."
"Sure I can, anything for you," chuckling, "Paris romance capital of Europe, though Venice would disagree," sighing, "that will be your choice, we couldn't have asked for a more testing superstar," I whisper, "I wouldn't have changed it for the world, you did good."
I look at Ara, "I've not been sleeping much."
I look back at Leah, "Can you think of any reason why?"
I nod, a bit nervous.
My voice is soft and gentle, "Please tell me."
"I startle awake. I make sure Hunter, and Sebastian are breathing. I make sure the doors are locked. That there are no candles going." I sigh. It's hard admitting this.
"That's your instinct, a maternal instinct," smiling, "come snuggle up to me and see if you can grab an hour or two, I will wait until you are asleep, I won't move." I open my arms.
I curl up beside her. "You have a motherly feel to you." I rest my head against her. I close my eyes, and listen to the wind starting outside.
"Thank you hun." I curl my arm around her. It would seem I can't resist sleep, I
close my eyes and listen to Leah's heart.
Rose came in quietly, and covered us both up. Sebastian was down for a nap. Rose started making lasagna, and a tiramisu. As I slept, the dreams stirred me.