We arrived home, and it was pleasant. I missed my bed, my shower. The hospital had a clean smell to it. Those harsh cleaners, that are so abrasive on one's sense of smell. Hunter has taken care of the laundry, as I'm nursing Sebastian, and it's hard. I'm sore, and swollen. Creams, heating pads, and just plain discomfort aren't making me the happiest of campers in lovely Port Angeles.
"She's nursing him right now." Hunters talking to my mom. "Yeah she's still in a lot of discomfort." He's quiet, shuffling around downstairs. "Lucas scheduled her follow up for six weeks. We have the pediatrician Monday at two o'clock." I stay quiet, gently rocking. "I will have to get back to you. I'm not sure if she wants anyone here. Alright. Love you too. Bye Sue." Hunter hung up, putting the phone back in it's cradle.
Sebastian is dozing off, so I try and unlatch him. Nope, he reattaches, and it's hurting. I wince, and swallow back the pain. I tell myself this is for him. It will benefit him. It's supposed to help us bond as well. I look down at him. He has Hunter's nose. I gently stroke it with my free hand, a small smile shows on Sebastian's face. Finally he releases from me, and a little milk dribbles down his chin. I grab the cloth, and carefully dab at it. "Time to burp sweetheart." I carefully position him, and start gently patting on his back. After about five minutes, he's offered me several small consecutive burps, and one rather large one.
I manage to stand up, and move carefully to the changing table. I laid him down, slowly taking him out of the swaddling he was in. He starts fussing, and I feel horrible. "I'm sorry but I need to change you." I proceed carefully undoing his diaper, and cleaning. I have to apply ointment, and keep the dressing over him. The talk of circumcision, makes me feel horrible. I regret it. I've taken away one choice for him. Bad mom already, and he's only three days old. I get the diaper on, and he decides to leave a present of generosity. I shake my head, and start the whole process over again.
Finally changed, fed, burped, and ready for a nap. I lay him down carefully in his crib. A gentle breeze blows in through the open window. He stirs a little, but doesn't wake up. Thank you God. I watch him quietly, and then step out, shutting the door slightly. I quietly go downstairs, there must be something to clean. I look around, and Hunter is hanging the clothes out to dry on the laundry line. I decide to make him something for lunch. I can't seem to find anything else to do. So I get to it. Once I'm done making the sandwich, I leave it on the counter for him, with a glass of lemonade.
I wander into the sunroom, and sit down just staring out the window. The breeze is beautiful today. The wind chimes blow softly. I sigh, just feeling bored. I have no interest in television. I'm not sure what I really want to read. I couldn't care about journaling. So I curl up, and pull my knee's to my chest, and stare off.
"Leah?" Hunters voice is soft. He's in the kitchen.
"Sunroom." I reply, and wait for him to come in.
"Hey beautiful." He walked in, holding the plate, and glass of lemonade. Carefully he set them down on the coffee table, and sat beside me. "Did you eat already?" He smiles.
I shook my head, "Not hungry."
He nods, "Ok. Well if you are, let me know." He leaned forward kissing me. I kissed him back. He picked up his sandwich and started eating. He looked around the room, "Soon we'll have pictures of the three of us up in here. Then one day, the four of us, maybe the five of us?" He smiled, excitement was radiating off of him, like he was contaminated with a nuclear biohazard that glowed for miles. I forced a smile nodding. The last thing on my mind was more kids. After what I went through with Sebastian, I wasn't sure I even wanted more. I'd just have to phase, and prevent it. Then I thought about it, I phased when pregnant, and it didn't affect him.
"You're awfully quiet. You ok?" He set down his plate, and looked at me.
"Just thinking is all." I shrugged.
He smiled, "I'm so excited to have the whole summer with you, and Sebastian."
It was as though a red flag was being waved above my head. I felt as though I needed to be rescued, but why? My face must have shown the panic, at hearing his words.
"Leah?" Hunter waved his hand in front of my face.
I shook my head, "Yeah?"
He looked at me, "You had a blank stare, then a panicky look on your face. Talk to me please." He held my hands. His thumbs running over my knuckles. He was all smiles.
"I'm just tired, that's all." I forced a smile. Hopefully that would hold him at bay.
"Oh alright. Well want to go lay down. I can lay with you while he's napping." He smiled.
I looked at him, I was on the verge of tears, but I couldn't let it happen.
"Leah, seriously talk to me." He leaned in closer to me.
"I'm feeling a bit down." I swallowed.
He released one of my hands, and stroked my cheek, "Ok. Do you want to talk about it? Do you know why you feel this way?"
I shook my head, "I think I'm just tired."
He stood up, and took my hand, helping me up. "Let's lay down while he's sleeping ok. You're exhausted." He held me, and walked upstairs with me.
We laid down once we were in our room. He wrapped his arms around me. My stomach felt so weird without that little human in it. Part of me was jealous he wasn't in there. I missed feeling him move. I also wasn't responsible for him yet. I could still come, and go as I please. Now, now I had to make sure I had everything packed. That was the car seat, the stroller, the diaper bag. It was endless. Hunter sensed it, "Try and relax please." He was tired, the tone of his voice gave that away. I waited until I heard him snore softly. I carefully slipped out of his arms, and left our room.
I checked in on Sebastian. He was sound asleep. I looked around the nursery. Esme had done such a lovely job. I remember how I used to picture myself holding our child. The happiness I would feel. The love I would feel. Sadly, I wasn't feeling those things. I was feeling selfish, and angry. I was feeling out right bewildered. I was feeling, heartbroken. I'd lost everything I'd imagined, and gained something I wasn't expecting. What mother felt like this. I wanted to just get in my car, and drive. It was nice when it was Hunter, and I. We had one another. How could I have been so stupid. I should have been more careful. I walked out of the nursery, and crept downstairs. I walked out the back door, and through the woods, to the beach. I sat down, and watched the waves come up on the sand. "I can't do this."