"How was he?"
My mom plays like she cares. She stands at the hood and smoke. I feel the smell of her sweat and I see that she haven't even changed clothes. I throw the bag in the hall and I look at her.
She snorts and she looks at me with that look. She wants deep down just get rid of me, and she thinks that I'm a mistake. Every time her friends show up, I hear she screams that I ruined her life.
I nod a little bit.
"No food at home?"
She sighs quickly and blows smoke from her mouth. It forms a cloud of smoke around her and she looks at me cold.
"Can't you go and buy food? I'm not healthy today."
I nod quickly and I go over to her bag. I find some notes and I put them quickly in my pocket.
"Can you buy some wine?"
I shake my head quickly.
"Mom, you know I'm not old enough."
She knows, but she tests me all the time.
"If I send a patch or if I call the liquor store while you're there?"
I spin around and I look at her again.
She sighs and I see that she gets irritated.
"Yes, I'll disturb the neighbors then." she snorts. "Damn that I can't get what I want."
I slide out in the hall quickly and take on another jacket. It's getting cold outside and I know that the grocery store is a good part away.
"I might go over to Peter." I hear her crying. "He and I are thinking of going to the movies."
"Aren't you sick?"
She snorts and she realizes that she said too much.
"Yes, I might not be sick like that, but you got the damn money for food? Didn't you?"
It's dark when I started to walk home again. I have a bag of groceries, and I feel the hunger creeps inside me. Damn that I was born. Why had my mom had to get me. Didn't she know what abortion was or a condom? I often become angry at her, but just because she gave birth to me. She always talked about her being a model before I was born. She had been on the big festivals and met famous people. When I was born I destroyed her figure and thanks to me, they didn't give her more jobs.
"You're a loser!" she used to yell at me when she was drunk. "You're a loser and a zeros that shouldn't exist. They are just in the way."
I had no idea who my father was. She changed stories all the time. Sometimes he was a wealthy businessman who was cheating on his wife. Sometimes he was a drug addict who was dead. Her lies didn't affect me anymore. I couldn't get to everything she said. I had a dad! He had made mom pregnant. I was born and he didn't want me. It was that story.
I did the dishes, I cleaned the kitchen and then I could make food for myself. My mom was with her friend and I knew that they drank alcohol. I knew she would surely fall asleep with him, but I was used to me alone.
The school had distributed computers to some students and I was fortunate that I got a laptop. It was nice to be on the net, but I just looked at the pictures and I never wrote anything. I had Skype, if my grandmother wanted to contact me. She was the only one who cared, but my mother hated her. She didn't dare to visit us and I didn't dared to visit her.
"How was your teacher?" asked grandma and I lay on my stomach in bed. I smiled at her face and I felt safe, though she was so far away.
"He's wonderful." I whispered and blushed. "He's handsome, nice and he seems to care."
"Ouch!" she said and laughed a little bit. "Don't forget to learn something?"
"Oh, no. I think he will make sure that I learn to spell or maybe read."
"And your mother?"
I felt the mood was running off me. I hated talking about her.
"Do you have food?"
"I got to go shopping food before so I have eaten."
I saw at grandma that she hated that I was where I was. Social services had often been involved. Then Mom had tightened up for a week, but then it was as if she went back to the old booths again.
"You shouldn't stay there."
"I know, but I want to go to school and you know that I have my stuff here. I don't think she'll survive without me."
"You aren't her mother?"
You could say that I had taken care of my mom, but it would be a lie to say that I tried with all my heart. I made sure we washed clothes once in a while. I made sure that we had something to eat and then I didn't care. The house looked like a dump, but my room was clean. I was a pedant when it came to my stuff. Maybe it was a way to show her that I'm still struggling?
Middle of the night I woke up because she got home. My door was locked and I heard how she came up the stairs.
"Damn, I hate this house." she screamed and she swerved into the bathroom. I had no idea if she was talking to herself or with me or with anyone else. "I'll fucking burn this shit up one day."
I put a pillow over my head and I closed my eyes. Yet I heard her profanities and how she got into her bed. She lay down with her clothes on and she fell asleep. Her snoring sound was heard throughout the house and I hated every breath she took. Damn that she was my mom!