a hopeless student

Dyslexia - the word of my illness - the word on my life, and the word on my person. Hopeless cases according to the teachers. Idiot according to students. I was a nobody, I was a zero, I was the one that no one else wanted to be. I was just me!

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26. My mom and her life

Jamie! 
You promised not to leave me. You promised...

 

The loneliness is so complete and I can't do it without you. I will die, I will give up. I don't want to live without you. You are my everything, and you are my soul, no one can't live without a soul. You promised I was your beginning, and I was your end. Did you mean then that you would leave me?

 

--

 

"Shall we let them share a room?" 
I heard Jon's voice to a doctor. Share a room with a child that I didn't want? I couldn't be a mom and I didn't want to be a single mom. I didn't take care of anything that reminded of Jamie. 
"Yes, it might get her to wake up?"

 

When your hearing devices and hearing voices, you learn quick to shut them out. I was just aware that people came and people went. I can't say I was totally gone, because I had a conscious mind. I was so aware of all the movements, but my body refused to obey me. It was as if it was just my brain that worked. It picked up sticks of memory, which made ​​my heart cry and it sorted the sounds around me, so that I could imagine what was happening.

 

"What happened to her?" 
A hoarse voice. A wounded voice. I recognized it, but I couldn't put my finger on who it belonged to. 
"She ended up in shock, says the doctor." 
It was Cath's voice. I heard her weak voice and I knew she was worried. I heard it in her voice and I heard it in her tone. 
"Is it my fault?" 
the hoarse voice that almost couldn't be bothered to talk. 
"She was worried and she gave up hope." 
I agreed. 
"But I'm alive." 
"But she doesn't know that." 
"Is that why she gave up, because she thought I was dead?"

 

It took me three days before I realized it was Jamie's voice. It was he who was lying in the hospital bed next to me. I heard him, I felt his presence, and I realized that he was alive. 

 

I opened my eyes and I saw him. He lay with tubes in his nose and he looked weak, but he was alive. He smiled as soon as I opened my eyes and I saw the pain in his eyes. 
"Sara, don't give up." he whispered hoarsely. I felt the tears came. I saw him and he was breathing. 
"I thought you were dead?" 
He coughed and tried to smile. 
"No, I promised not to leave you." 
I sniffed. 
"But ... you weren't there? Your never called me?" 
He looked at me with love and I felt hope came back. I couldn't move my body, but I could see him. 
"I love you." I whispered "I love you so much that I can't manage life without you."

 

--

 

The tiny little body lay in an incubator, and I saw how the heart moved in his chest. I sat in the wheelchair and I just stared at him. Was he mine? Was he the son of Jamie? I just stared and I didn't dared to breathe. 
"He's strong!" the doctor said, and he smiled at me. "He just needs time to port the body to a life outside of you." 
I smiled a little bit and I watched carefully the little body. He didn't look like me, so then he was like Jamie. 
"He'll be fine." said the doctor hope filled. I smiled and I looked up at him. 
"His name's Tim." 
"Tim?" 
I nodded. 
"Tim, Ace, Taylor and his father's Jamie!" 
The doctor laughed a little bit of joy I guess. 
"Yes, Jamie can't wait until he gets to see him, Tim." 
I smiled. 
"I know!"

 

--

 

I forced staff to move my bed closer to Jamie. I wanted to lie down and hold his hand. I wanted to caress his hair and I wanted to complain about the beard that had grown on his face. 
"You're crazy." he murmured teasingly. "Not even when I'm close to death, you can't help but complain about my beard?" 
I giggled. 
"One, you aren't near death yet, and two, I can complain if I want to." 
He agreed. He enjoyed my hand slid across his face. 
"So you met Tim?" he whispered questioningly. "What about him?" 
"He's fine." I replied. "He just needs a little more time." 
Jamie nodded. 
"And we'll give him time?" 
I nodded. 
"And you must have time to heal as well?" 
He laughed a little bit and I saw his amused eyes. 
"We are the sick family?"
I shook my head and I looked at him tenderly. 
"No, we are a hole family, we have just a little unlucky at the start?" 
He nodded and I saw that he began to have pain in my body again. Soon, the doctor would come and give him pain relief. I hated when it did take time, and I hated to see the pain in his eyes. 
"Don't look at me like that." he mumbled almost irritably. "I be just sad when your eyes are so... sad." 
I tried to smile. 
"It's because I care." 
"I know!"

 

--

 

The walls were cold and there were guards everywhere. I slipped into the room, where visitors would be. There were tables and chairs in the room, which stood far apart. I saw that everyone else chose the table. I did the same thing. I sat down at a table in a corner and I hesitated. It felt odd to be there, but at the same time, I wanted it done.

 

I recognized mom directly. She looked older and a little thinner. She had the same brown eyes, but it was something that was changed. When she saw me, it was as if she hesitated. Like she almost wanted to go back to the cell and forget that I had visited her, yet she came up to the table.

 

"You come?" 
I looked down at my hands and I swallowed. 
"Grandma has been nagging at me." 
She smiled and she sat down. She looked at me carefully, and it was as if she no longer hated me. 
"How are you?" she asked. I looked up at her. What should I answer? 
"Good?" I whispered. "And you?" 
She looked down at the table. 
"I could have felt better, but I'm struggling." 
There was silence. I didn't dare say anything to her, because I didn't even know what she wanted to know or tell me. It was as if we were two strangers, and that if she wasn't my mother.
"Sorry!" 
I was startled. 
"Huh?"
She took a deep breath and she had to struggle to say words. 
"I'm sorry I totally screwed up." she said with a confident voice. She looked at me again and this time her eyes were honest. It was as if she really looked at me and she felt no hatred. "I didn't know I did wrong and I didn't think that I was a bad mom for you." 
I frowned. Should I forgive her? I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. 
"You destroyed sixteen years of my life." I whispered. "You said I was the cause of all your problems. You lied and you threw shit at me." 
I wanted to be honest, even that I saw that she was suffering. She had tears in her eyes and she looked ruefully at me. 
"I know!" she said quickly. "I know! You don't have to talk about what I did. I'm aware of what I didn't."
I remember everything as if it were yesterday. 
"Grandma told me about my father." I said cool. "He wasn't a drug dealer or a drug addict." 
She quickly wiped away the tears. 
"I know." she swallowed. "He was the love of my life. I loved him more than my life and when he died, then I died also." 
Okay, I began to understand what she was talking about. It was like when I thought Jamie was dead. I had also given up and I hadn't bothered about Tim, but I didn't tell that to my mom. 
"He was wonderful." she continued. "He was everything..." she paused and she looked down at her hands. "You remind me of him so much that it was so hard to look at you when you were growing up. I saw him in front of me and I hated you because you got his personality. I hated everything that reminded me of him."
It was like the penny dropped down. I no longer saw a hateful mother, I saw a woman who had lost hope. I did everything possible not to show my feelings or what I was thinking. 
"I'm married to Jamie." I whispered. "The man that got you to beat me." 
She nodded, and she chose to avoid me. 
"I know!" she whispered. "Grandma told me everything." 
"So what am I doing here?" 
She gazed at me. Tears ran from her eyes and she tried to collect herself. 
"I want you to understand, I want you might forgive me."

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