She didn’t really how long time it had been now. Everything was the same. Not long ago she started at this new school and she didn’t know a single person around her. She was kind of alone but tried to be a part of it all. Until this very moment it had all been fine. It was bearable. Everything that wasn’t bearable she would suppress and act like it was nothing. And it had worked. Little did she know. Suppressed things add up in the end. It wasn’t because it was that much of a special day or event. It had started out as a normal school day. The only thing that was different about this day was the fact about the smaller party in the schools basement. It wasn’t a new thing. It was a thing that often was made for the students’ amusement and joy on Fridays after school. It was her first one. At her old school there had never been something like this so she was a bit exited to go. People started to gather in front of the staircase. People she didn’t know. It was older people. It was people from other classes. Of cause – It was for the whole school. The music was loud once the entered the small room. It had barely started but the smell of beer was already in the air. Not that she minded it. At this point she started to get skeptic and fall back in an old habit. She would sit passively trying to find out what to do, say and where to be. She had never really been at parties so this was a new world for her. The rest of her classed seemed comfortable and was already starting to drink and having a good time. There she sat. Outside the circle not really paying attention to what the others was doing. She wasn’t a part of it anyways. She noticed that after a short time. She didn’t really know if it was her seat that was just too far away or if they just didn’t gave her a thought. She had looked around at all the people. Seen people she knew but never talked too or lost contact to long ago. Saw new people playing alcohol games and having a great time. She observed them silently. Only once in a while some one talked to her and made her snap out of her thoughts. Slowly she felt a wall starting to build between her and those she was sitting next to. That feeling that had always been when she was at parties or with her old friends. As time passed it got worse. She needed to get rid of it and looked around. She saw the person she had spent the most time with the past weeks. A girl from her class who was talking with some guy.
She didn’t wanted to interrupt their conversation and stood up to leave the room. She went outside to get some fresh air. It didn’t work much. Her head got peace for a moment. The music that had filled her head with sounds was gone and the quietness had taken over. She tried not to think about it. How she was separated from the rest. Those people who probably didn’t see her leave.
The wind was cold on her skin but it didn’t make her go inside again. Not at first at least. And when she finally went in she had suppressed the feelings and the thoughts. Though… She knew that it would come back right away if she went back to the basement. So she didn’t.
A woman asked if it was everything she wanted while scanning her stuff. She paid the woman without a word and found a place to sit. The music was still to be heard from the basement even though it was in the floor below. It still hurt a bit and made the feeling come back. But her mind kept suppressing it. Once her bottle was empty she sighted and stood up to trash it. No matter how much she wanted to go back downstairs she couldn’t. The place would hurt her and she knew. She had never been a party animal. In fact she had never really been invited to anything though she knew her friends had held small things from time to time. Back then she didn’t care but now there’s a feeling of regret. Maybe, just maybe, she would have had a better time if she had been more open back then. Been to more parties. Been more like the other girls. But no… She had been an outsider in some degree the most of her life. People had bashed her. Some would call it bulling… She herself did so. Back then it didn’t seem so bad but now that she is out of it she have come to realize her old place was the worst. But did it even matter? She didn’t show it but somewhere deep inside she just felt lonely, abandoned and sad. There was nothing to do now. She sighed and went to grab her stuff so she could get home. It was for the better. For some reason she went towards her class instead of the exit. She tried to find her friend. Just to say goodbye.
Someone called her name behind her before she could enter the door. Her real name and not the name she was called. They voice didn’t give away who it was who talked, but made her turn around in the door to correct him. It was him. Him who her friend had been talked to last time she saw her. But the friend wasn’t here. Had she gone home already?
The guy apologized for using the wrong name. She wanted to say it was okay. It was a struggle to say it but she did succeed. Though, tears started to gather in the corner of her eyes. That little thing was about to break her. She wasn’t mad about the use of the wrong name. Not at all. Stuff like that slips. She looked away as she wanted to go back the way she came. To go home. Something stopped her. Someone asked if she was okay. No answer. The question came again and she had covered her mouth and nose with her hand and sleeve. Quietly she shook her head. It was almost invisible and she ended up looking away. Though, the guy must have seen it since he asked about what happen. No answer. He asked her if she wanted to talk about it. No answer. No matter what he said she didn’t answer. She barely knew the guy. They had small talked once or twice before the week before but she knew nothing about him. Yet she followed him when he told her to come and sit. Once again he asked her about what happen. At this point tears had started to run down her cheeks and it wouldn’t stop. It was difficult to tell him what bothered her. Why she was breaking at this very moment. Though it was heard for her to explain she tried. Slowly her mind got empty and her words filled the room. How she felt in class. How she felt she could talk to her classmates but when grouping up, how it made her feel left out. How she had suppressed everything. She talked and told. He listened quietly. He had asked her to tell what happen after all.
First when she got quiet he open his mouth and told her how he had it the same way not long ago. How he had dealt with it. Told her what she could do and gave her advice. This time she listened. From the look it could have seemed like she wasn’t paying attention to him. Like she didn’t care at all. She did care. She cared a whole lot. No one had ever told her something like that. No one had ever given her tools to get out of the evil circle. But this guy did. This guy she barely knew, she barely had talked to. The two of them was not like each other. They were different from each other. Yet they both knew how it felt. But after the talk, even though it had been good for her to talk, she still had tears running down her cheeks. He said “hey” to get her attention and rolled his chair closer to hers then leaned over to hug her. She accepted the hug though she rarely hugged people like that. She wasn’t good at physical contact but this time she let herself. Shortly after she was about to let go, to break the hug… But didn’t. In the last second she changed her mind and kept hugging. She might have held him a bit tighter and longer than needed. But once the hug broke she was able to smile. That hug had been what she had needed for a very long time.
She would remember this.