256. All I want in life is to loose weight and gain money yet instead, hear I am, gaining weight and loosing money.
257. Really in the mood for receiving 50,000,000.
258. Peeing on the side of the toilet at night because it makes less noise.
259. Never run back to whatever broke you
260. Teacher: Where's your homework Me: Where's Leonardo di Caprio' s Oscar
261. That moment when someone's using your phone.
262. I hate brushing my teeth at night because that means that I can't have anymore food and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment.
263. I love it when people try to hurt my feelings because I don't have any.
264. Teacher: Have you done your homework? Me: Have you graded my test? Teacher: I have other students tests to grade Me: I have other teachers homework to do.
265. Boyfriend: Baby I miss you. Me: Your xbox broke didn't it? Boyfriend: Yeah.....
266. What I do in the shower: 2% wash, 3% wash hair, 95% contemplate life
267. A theif broke into my house last night looking for money.... So I got up and looked with him
268. Housework can't kill you. But why take the chance?
269. If I was a clone that would be bad, i'd have no-one to blame but myself
270. I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes
271. Santa: I've seen your facebook statuses. You are getting a dictionary for Christmas.
272. Don't judge me because im quiet, no one plans a murder out loud!