It's official. I'm depressed. And I hate it. If anyone ever wants know what depression is like, it's like having a permanent aching, emotional pain, trapped inside your body. Well, it is for me anyway. And it's not like I don't know why it's there, I know exactly why it's there. It's because I'm alone, terrified, and stuck. Stuck in somewhere I really don't want to be. That is what I don't know. I don't know where the place I'm stuck in is, whether it's my body (because I really hate that) or my town or country or generation or universe. I just don't know. And I have no idea where I want to be. Everything is just so ordinary and terrifying.
And not to be cheesy and lame, but I just really want someone to talk to. Someone I can really connect with, like a soul mate or something. Someone who just understands me. This is getting really cheesy now but I just guess it's because I have no one. I'm not close to my family, and friend-wise I'm just the girl who doesn't really mean anything particular to anyone. I have a lot of friends, but never a best friend or a someone I could talk to. I do talk to people about my depression but it's just awkward. Even talking to myself about it is awkward, so I just try to avoid the subject on a whole.
I looked up to find my Maths teacher and the whole class looking at me.
"Pay attention, this is GCSE coursework, you don't have time to be daydreaming."
More pressure. I sometimes wonder if anyone else panics like I do, because everyone I know looks fine to me.
"Sorry sir, It's just a bit confusing that's all." I said, then immediately regretted it, because he decided to go over the whole thing again, this time making sure I was listening.
Finally the lesson was over and it was break. Of course, break is usually time for us to chill and have a snack, but since I'm making sure I don't eat anything for the next two days, I just use break to play games on my phone.
I think people are starting to realize about my problem because it's being brought up a lot. Like "Izzy, why aren't you eating?" and "How come you never talk anymore?". I try to shrug it off and say things like "I'm not hungry." and "Just a bit exhausted with school and stuff." and it usually works, but not this break.
"Hey Izzy, what's wrong with you?" Asked Samantha, a recent addition to our group, who clearly doesn't understand the 'If they look upset just give them space' rule we have in the group. I just smile and reply,
"Nothing, just not really with it recently i guess." and then try and join in with the conversation.
"Are you sure? I mean, no offence or anything, but you look pretty ill and sad." She questioned again.
"Yeah, you do seem a bit depressed, anything you want to tell us?" Emma then asked. Great, now all the attention was on me and I felt like a prick. Like I was just wasting everybody's time on something they probably wont care about. I began to panic and started shaking.
"Yeah I'm fine I promise, I do feel a bit ill though, I'm just going to go to the bathroom."I lied, and then rushed off into the bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls.
I tried to fight off the tears, but I soon gave in, like I always do. All I did for the rest of break was stare at my incredibly fat thighs and hate myself. "Why am I such a bitch?" was all I could think about, I mean, I had lost so many friends because of my problem, and my life wasn't even that bad.
The bell rang and I made my way up the school stairs, towards geography, trying not to stress about the fact I was being thrown about in every direction by careless idiots.