I don't know what it was but I loved the rain. I loved the sound it made when it hit the ground like stampeding horses. I liked to listen and watch the thunder and lighting battle within the black rolling clouds that billowed above. Everything was blissful.
I despised the sun. I hated the way it hung in the sky gradually rising and then falling day after day. I hated the blistering Florida heat it provided. I hated the light it gave off. Darkness can conceal me but light can reveal me. I don't think I want people to see me for what I really am, a real life cold blooded heartless killer.
I would swear that I'm not evil, but I'm afraid you won't believe me. Yes, I like to feel warm red blood seeping through my fingers. No, I am not a psychopath. Yes, I am a sociopath, but you wouldn't understand why I do the things I do.
It's pointless to try to explain my motives but I'm going to try anyways.
Once up a time, my drunk father brought home a sickly looking fat goldfish for my tenth birthday. He said, "Kenway, put this damn thing in a bowl of water and watch it die. I don't know why you want a god damned pet so much and if it were up to me you still wouldn't have one, but your sick mother smiled her sweet smile and told me to get you one of these lifeless creatures, so here." He handed me the bag of water that held the little orange fish with a big belly. It had big round scared eyes. Who wouldn't be scared of my old man? He beat me till I learned how to fight back.
That night I watched the fish swim around in a clear plastic container. It's movements were slow and weak but at least it did something. I looked into its strange fish eyes seeing if I saw a spark of soul, but I didn't.
My mama needed a new heart, but we couldn't afford one. We could barely afford her treatments. That's when a bright idea flickered on inside my dim ten year old brain. I can give the fish's heart to mama so she can live longer.
I smiled at the fish that would save mama's life as I hopped down from my chair and ran into the kitchen. I grabbed a knife and a spoon from the utensil drawer and started to run back into my bedroom but a hand with strong long fingers and bony knuckles stopped me.
"Where the hell do you think you're going with those?" My father asked in his raspy voice. I turned around almost mechanically and faced my father. He had thinning dark hair that had silver weeding into it. I focused my identical eyes on his steely blue volt like ones. Like the fish, I didn't see a glint of soul in them, just sorrow and rage.
"N-nothing." I say. My voice isn't as firm as I'd like it to be. I put the knife and spoon in my back pocket and gave my best innocent smile.
The man before me frown and stuck a cigar in mouth. "Yeah, yeah. Get out of my sight." He said as he lit the role of brown paper.
I turned and ran for my room. The fish awaited my arrival, trembling in fear. I didn't care whether or not the fish had feelings, as long as I could use it's heart to save mama. She was the only one who attempted to understand what was wrong with me, unfortunately she never found out. Oh, but I did. I loved to kill. For some funny reason the crimson blood of my victims made my heart skip a beat and my fingers shiver with excitement.
The beady eyes of the orange colored fish stared at me, unaware of its impending doom. I smiled at the creature in the fish bowl. I should thank it for what it's about to do. I wish I could make it more painless, but that would take away what little enjoyment the small animal would provide. At the time I wondered why I wasn't normal. I get it now. I've seen normal and it ain't pretty, but it must be considered gorgeous compared to me.
I was always a good looking kid with pretty blue girly eyes and short jet black hair. Yep, I was a pretty boy. All my teacher's adored me. I have to admit, I played my part pretty damn well. I hid my true self behind a smile and a pair of fake glasses. Most people would 'kill' to be my friend, but would they if they actually knew the real me? Probably not.
I reached for a cup on my bedside table from the other night. My fingers wrapped around it and I pulled it towards the fish bowl. I watch the fish flick it's fins back and forth for a while, learning it's movements. With one quick motion I dunked the cup into the water, capturing the startled fish.
"Gotcha!" I yelled as I drained the water from the cup, making sure the fish didn't escape. In front of me was a tin tray which I dropped the fish into. Out if the water the little goldfish seemed more slimy and a lot less composed. It flopped around for a while until it became dormant. That's when I began my dissection.
I picked up the knife and fork. Where was a fish's heart? I read somewhere that an ants heart was in its lower region, but a fish was no insect. The fish's body seemed to grow and shrink, as if taking breaths. I shrugged and plunged the knife into its gills. Red blood flowed from the opening and onto the silver tin tray. Strange. The fish's eyes remained soulless even as it experienced pain, this perplexed me.
I gotta find that heart for mama or she's going to die. I carefully cut open the fish, parting its scales. Various organs and bodily fluids flowed from the fish. At the time I couldn't identify the better part of the organs. One was long, one was fat, it was all the same. The organs moved with the fish's last movements. Where is that damn heart!
That's when I found it…
It was a pinkish organ resting inside the carcass of the dead fish, beneath my blade. Carefully I scooped it up with the spoon and held it up for further examination. There was no doubt, that was the heart. It had stopped beating but surely mama could make it beat again. Small drops of blood fell from the organ. Gross, but oddly… satisfying.
Then I realized something...
Mama was the only one who was ever truly nice to me. She was the only one who loved me. A fish's heart couldn't hold all the love mama had. Mama's heart was too big to be replaced by a soulless fish's. A single tear fell from my eye. It was the last tear I would ever shed. I let the heart fall from the spoon. This was all for nothing yet... I enjoyed it.