I feel dumb, I feel like what I did to Calum was in the wrong. Why can't I just forgive him? He partially forgave me. I'm confused as to why he did.
I love Calum, I love him so much. But I can't get close to him or I'll break, he'll break. I want to be with him, but I feel like something will happen again to break us apart.
I love Luke with everything I have also. He's been my best mate for ages and he feels absolutely guilty about what has happened. I forgave him because I know he didn't mean to, he was jealous.
I want to be with Calum, but at the same time I don't. I love him, and hate him. But that's what love is right? You love them so much that you get tired of them and you just hate them. Well I must be head over heels for Calum because I fucking love him.
I love how his eyes squint when he smiles so wide and laughs. I love how he doesn't give a shit about what other people think of him. I love his laugh, his voice, his persona. I want to be with the Calum I knew and grown to love since I was thirteen.
Do I just text him and say I want to get back or do I ask for him to spend a while at my place to just hang before I move?
I'm so confused.
"Mumma?" I heard Elysian as I looked down at the small child, smiling as she played many sweater.
"Yes baby?" I asked as her ocean blue eyes looked at me. She put her index finger to the corner of her mouth as she began to talk.
"Daddy?" She asked as I frowned.
"No but I'll have to see if Calum will come over." I said looking at Elysian as her eyes lit up. She jumped up and down as I reached for my phone maneuvering around the boxes for the items in packing. I clicked Calum's contact name as I sat down at the kitchen table.
"Hello?" I heard his voice as I but my lip. Not knowing what to say. "Is someone there?" His voice brought me out.
"Hey Calum" I said as I heard him stop what he was doing.
"Courtney?" He asked confused with joy in his voice.
"Yeah. Do you maybe want to come over and watch movies?" I asked bitting my lip as I waited for his response.
"Sure. I'll be there in ten minutes" he said as I smiled to myself.
"Okay cool" I said nonchalantly as I hung up the phone taking a deep breath. I smiled wide as I looked at my outfit.
Running upstairs quickly to change I slipped on my pj shorts and a baggy shirt. I put my dyed brown hair up into a messy bun as I quickly brushed my teeth.
I heard the door as I picked up Elysian and walked to the door opening it to Calum in sweats and a white shirt. He had a beanie on as I moved out of the way to let him in. I closed the door as he took Elysian from me as he went and sat on my couch. Cue the awkward tension in the room.
"Uh, Elysian. It's time for bed" I said as she nodded hugging Calum and kissing his cheek as I carried her upstairs quickly and tucking her in.
I walked back downstairs as I saw Calum on his phone. I sat beside Calum as he put his phone on the table looking to me as I looked at him. I smiled and looked down as he linked our fingers together.
I looked at the hand and blushed. I'm so fucking in love with him.
"So" I said trying to start a conversation.
"Courts, I forgive you" he whispered as I smiled leaning my head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry" I said as I tried not to cry as he wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me into him as we laid down on the couch.
"It's okay" he mumbled. As I looked up at him. His Hazel eyes looking into my blue ones as he eyed my lips as I rolled my eyes.
"Just kiss me" I whispered as he smiled pulling me close as his lips contacted mine. Fireworks exploded in my stomach as our lips moved together.
I've been waiting so long to kiss him. I needed him, he was my drug. I got onto his waist with both legs on either side as his hands gripped my waist. I rocked back and forth on him as he let a moan escape and into my mouth as I smiled.
His hands wandered up my body as they rested on my hips.
This may look bad if my daughter walked in so I pulled away from Calum as his cheeks flushed and I could feel his erection under me.
"We should stop incase Elysian walks in" I breathed heavily fixing my hair as he nodded sitting up.
Staying in this position for a half hour there was a knock on my front door. I got off of Calum as I make my way to the door to see a worried Luke.
"Luke?" I asked as he pulled his hair in all sorts of directions.
"I can't find Calum! He's not answering his phone!" He said as I saw he had been crying as I bit my lip. Calum walked up behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders as Lukes eyes lit up as he jumped on Calum. "Calum! Don't ever do that to me again please!" He said as Calum smiled patting Luke's back.
He broke away from Calum and looked at me as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
"Elysian is sleeping Luke" I said as he nodded.
"Do you have everything packed for your trip?" He asked as I nodded.
"Luke it's a permanent trip. I'm not coming back to Canada" I said as he pulled me by the arm.
"Will I at least get to see my daughter?" He asked looking at me as I fiddled with my fingers.
"Luke, I think it's best if she doesn't see you" I said looking at him.
"Courtney!" He said pulling his hair in all sorts of directions.
"Luke, she lived without one since she was born" I said reasoning. "Plus you'll be visiting Australia during the holidays so you'll be able to see her" I added as he looked at me.
"But I'll be with my family!" He said as I bit my lip.
"And you don't consider Elysian and I family?" I asked in disbelief. "I'm giving you a chance to see your daughter and you don't even care." I said shaking my head as he grabbed onto my shoulders. I shook him off and pushed him away from me. "I think it's best that you leave" I said looking at him. I was on the verge of crying. I'm trying, I really am but he doesn't give a shit about his daughter and best mate.
"We aren't done talking about this Courtney" he said as he followed me to the front door.
"Yes we are Luke and I want you to leave" I snapped as I opened the front door.
"Luke! Get out!" I yelled as he did so leaving as I slammed the door.
I'm sick and tired of him.