23. True Freedom
Amanda and I stay in our hug. She squeezes me. I feel so safe. Amanda then pushes me away. I turn to see Eilidh leaving the dropship. Amanda gets ready to fight Eilidh.
"No she's not worth it," I whisper, I've had enough fighting. Jaxen is standing looking utterly bewildered. He tells Amanda that he has to go after Eilidh. I cannot express my hatred for that girl. Amanda let's him go. I can see the happiness in her hazel eyes.
"Don't you ever get that sick again," she gives me a smirk.
"I'll try," I smile and hug her tight. She leaves me in the dropship. I'm not fully better but I'm okay. I'm sure I could leave... I decide I can. I storm out of the dropship.. Except I don't really storm... It's more of limp. I sit down on a log, pulling my bright hair back. Everything has changed in the camp. People are dying, and I've heard the grounders.. The grounders are coming. I remember that first day, when we first got out of the dropship. It was amazing. There was no fear of grounders. The sky was so bright, we were sheltered by the green trees. Our first breaths of the fresh air. I can't help but smile even thinking about it. Beautiful as it was, it didn't last long. But now... What is the point? The grounders are coming for us. We're going to war. I miss my cell. Why did Amanda and I have to get arrested?.. Why did we fight those guards..? All this days ago. Rebellion? Revenge? Insanity? I don't know. But all I know is that it was worth it. To get to this amazing place. Maybe it's not so amazing anymore. Irregardless. It definitely was amazing. And then there was the spearing of Jasper. I don't know how I didn't throw myself across after him. I think I love him..
I glance down at my wrist. I realise I still have my metal band on. I put a hand on it. I yank my hand away quickly. Ow! It hurts to even touch. Why have I even got this on? Maybe Bellamy was right to take them off.. No.. Well...? I grab it a scratch at it. It hurts a lot but I ignore my need to stop. I can't believe that I haven't noticed it..
There is a dagger. It is on the floor, forgotten, almost completely buried in the bark. I lift my hand. I want to pick it up. I bite my lip resisting the temptation. My heart urges me to use it. Unable to fight the urge any more, I snatch the dagger up and brush it clean of mud. Holding it carefully, shaking, I dig it into the skin under my wrist band and pull up. Searing pain kills me. I hate it. I resist. I gasp and then the pain ends.
I look down to see a white band shape on my wrist. The band is off. I leap up and whoop. I can't help myself. I can't believe what I've done. But it feels so good..
For the first time, I feel truly free..