Today of course was just like any other day for a sixteen year old girl with Lymphoblastic Leukemia, appointment after appointment with my special doctors who all told me the same thing "I'm not doing very well and I need to rest more and start taking double the medication I'm already taking frequently throughout the day". I know every one of the specialists I see want to try and help me and tell me I still have a chance to live for a couple more years, but I know what they really mean, that I'm going to die soon.
"So how are you feeling today, Brynn?" one of my special Leukemia doctors asked me as I sat on a big chair in a closed-off office. "I've been better, but I've been worse", I answered truthfully. She quickly jotted something down on the piece of paper attached to her clip board and then looked up at me with a sympathetic look. "I love your determined attitude" she said smiling ever so slightly. Her name was Dr.Jrelly, I met with her once every week, and she always asked me the same questions everytime. How are you feeling? Have you been taking your medication? Is anything bothering you? Can we take some more X-rays and PET scans?
And I always responded the same way "Good, Yes, No, and sure".
After hours of PET scans and X-rays and other random check-ups, I was free to go. I wouldn't exactly say free, I was only free till next week when I would relive this day over.
After the appointments, my mom and dad would drive me home and I would go back into my room where my mom would check on me every hour and try and make me eat something, but she always failed. The medication they put me on, made me lose my appetite and made me very drowsy. The doctors always said sleep is my best friend.
When you spend most of your time in your bed, you have a lot of time to think. I know most girls think about boys, clothes, shopping, what their plans for the weekend is, but I'm not like most girls. The only thing I can think about is dying. I'm not afraid of dying, but I'm afraid I never made my life worth living, I'm afraid I will leave this world empty with no one who knew who I was. I'm afraid of leaving everything I don't have behind.