“Hey mum, do you have another one of this? So I can take back to London?” Ellen asks turning the photo towards her mum as we sit in the dining room eating breakfast, Ellen’s brother at school and her dad at work, her mum smiles taking the photo between her fingers.
“I’m sure I do.” She replies observing the picture of Ellen and Lynthia, “I haven’t seen this photo in years.” She looks back to Ellen who smiles but I can tell she is hurt.
“What’s her name?” I asked and Ellen looked at me, “Your cousin. What’s her name?” She looked towards he mum, who places the photo on the table and left as Ellen picked it up again.
“Lynthia.” She swallows as she observes the photo.
“You don’t see her much?” Ellen shakes her head.
“I, ah, im going to go to the bathroom.” Ellen tells me and gets up from the her spot and wonders towards the bathroom, I turn the picture so I can get a better look, they must have been identical, the only thing different is there eyes and freckles.
After a moment I went back to Louis, he was looking at the photo of me and Lynthia, I wish it was easy to tell him, I wish he knew about her but I can’t make myself tell him, maybe I should get my mum to do it, then against she will just make me.
“You oaky?” He asks and I nod, smiling.
“Yeah, im fine.” I say as best possible, he looks at me sympathetically and I can only wonder why.
“I’ll be back in an hour.” I smile pecking Louis lips and heading out the door with my parents car keys, the sun warming my chilled body as I drop into the car, I start it and pull out of the drive way heading in a direction I know all too well. I stop on the way to get a bouquet of roses from the servo and make my way to the cemetery, I park the car and get out, slipping the keys into the pocket of my shorts before walking up the stone steps to the grave yard, I take the normal way as I make my way to Lynthia’s grave, once I finally see the familiar stone I place my roses on the grass in front before stepping back and observing the writing I haven’t read in over a year.
“Hey Peaches.” I say softly looking at the stone, its dirty and slightly green from the Australian weather, “Sorry I haven’t been in so long, I wanted to say happy birthday.” I pause, “For next week anyway.” My eyes close briefly as I like my lips forcing myself not to cry. “I didn’t do anything this year for the anniversary, but im sure mum and dad did.” I sniffle, “I really miss you and im still sorry that it happen, I know the only reason you were on that side of the car was because of me and I wish I had never complained, it was only a stupid spot in the car.” I wipe the tear that fell and look to my feet, “I hope the weather is this good on our birthday, it seems that it always ends up raining.” I take a look around, there are people visiting there past on relatives and friends, the cemetery seems as if its fuller then it once was, I turn back to the stone, observing the deep red roses, “I brang you roses, dark red, your favourite, I always thought it was funny how alike we were, roses being both our favourites.”
I turn after hearing a scream of joy and see two children running around; I smile as I watch for a moment. “Remember when we did that, coming up here sometimes after school and running around, playing hid-and-seek behind the stones, mum would ask where we disappeared to but we would just say we were at the park.” I sigh, “I haven’t written you in a while. Tegan told me I should stop, she said it’s the only way I would get over your death even though it was eleven years ago, I was brushing my hair this morning when my fingers brushed the scars, I almost cried but I stopped myself, I know mum would have understood but Louis wouldn’t have. I’m normally not like that but I guess because im back home the memories flooded back.” As I speak the words my fingers brush though my hair, it flows freely in the wind and as I brush one of the scars before I flinch away, “Louis doesn’t know about you. I want to tell him I just don’t know how. It’s so hard when my head battles with my feelings; he makes me feel so good and makes me feel so beautiful but…” I look at the ground in front of my feet as tears slowly fall from my eyes, “But, I will never be you, Lynthia, that’s all I want. To be like you, I sometimes wonder whether Louis would have liked you better. Everyone did, mum and dad included.” I suck in a breath as I look up at the sky, wiping my eyes.
“I love you Lynn, I wish it was me.” my eyes flutter at the thought, “I know mum and dad do to, I was such an expensive kid and if it was you they wouldn’t have to pay to find out what was wrong, you were perfect, you were everything.” as I whisper the words it’s as if I can hear her voice telling me the words she did when we were young, telling me she can’t be perfect if we are the same person, saying she can’t be ther better one if we are exactly alike, but it was always untrue. I was the one with the learning problems, with the hearing and seeing difficulties, I was the one that needed therapy because I couldn’t cope with the doctors’ appointments and the never ending questioning, she was the better twin and everyone knew it, I was the one that couldn’t speck, I was the klutz, im the one still here and I hate it that she’s not with me.
I can’t stay any longer, I speed walk from the spot and rush down the stone steps almost tripping over an elderly woman who looked at me sympathetically, I drop into the car and start it as fast as I can, I race from the cemetery car park and am on a main road in no time, heading back towards the house but take a corner going towards my old high school, I park outside and send Tegan and Claudia a text telling them to come out, shortly after I see them start heading out the school gates, I flee from the car and am embraced in a group hug.
“When did you get here?” Tegan asked smiling up at me.
“Last night.” I reply brushing my hair back from my face.
“You’ve been crying.” Claudia states and I nod slowly, “Why?” I look back and forth at the two for a moment before talking, I told them I went to Lynthia’s grave, and that I was just emotion from all the memory’s coming back.
“Well were out of school now. Let’s go.” I smile and we all make our way back towards the car, I get in the driver’s seat and Tegan the passenger while Claudia climbed into the back, we decided on the shops and soon we’ve pulled into the car park, parking in the spot I did when I still lived here, we got a table in food court as we talked, they mostly asked me questions about London and the boys there. The girls started talking about something that happen at school as my phone vibrated, I took it from my pocket and saw it was a massage from Louis.
LOUIS: You said an hour two hours ago.
ME: Sorry, I ended up picking the girls up. I shouldn’t be too much longer, is my mum suffocating you yet?
LOUIS: Funny but no, we were having a nice chat about you when you were younger.
ME: Is that so? Tell her I said shut up.
LOUIS: I will not do such a thing. I’ll leave you; have a good time, love.
ME: Bye, baby. Xx.