When I woke I couldn’t get back to sleep, it was six thirty and I know I would be the only one awake, I roll on my side and opened the draw to the bedside table to find two journals, I take the top one out and open the first page, a picture of Ellen falling out, the words on the words on the page surprised me, the date telling me Ellen was only ten when she wrote them.
It’s been three years since you left; mum and dad have told me I should stop blaming myself. Sometimes I think I should live with Tegan because mum and dad don’t want me, there always with Josh. Remember how mummy told us we were going to have a brother or sister? Well we have a little brother, his name is Josh, we call him Soap though, just like we call you Peaches. Tomorrows our birthday, I wish you were here to share it with me, remember the fairy party we shared? That was fun, when aunty Den, you and I raced to eat a donut each with no hands. I wish we could do something like that tomorrow, I see this lady now, she told me to write down how im feeling, mum and dad tell me I see her because of you, I tell her I miss you, she tries to get me to speck about other things like what I like but I don’t want to, you were always the one to talk to people.
Lynthia, mum is calling me I think we are going to get a dress for the party tomorrow, I don’t want a dress. I tried to tell her but she doesn’t listen to me anymore, not like she did when it was you and me.
29th March 2006.
I look back to the photo, ‘it’s our birthday tomorrow’ Ellen writes, ‘our’ it can’t be, I studied the picture further, that isn’t Ellen. I flip the page and continue to read.
Our birthday was yesterday, I had fun. Tegan was there, that was the best part, she stayed with me the whole party unlike the other people there, Josh ruined my cake, every other time I was allowed to cut it first but Josh grabbed it with his hands, everyone though it was so cute and I was so angry. It was my party; I wanted him gone and you to come back. Last night Tegan stayed she stayed on the floor and she didn’t hear me cry, I cried because I missed you, I have to go see that lady again soon, im going to tell her about the party and how I cried, mum and dad don’t know, im the only one that does and I just don’t want to be alone anymore.
Please come back to me Peaches.
31st March 2006
I flip the page and read on and on, when the door clicks open I shover the book under the pillow and push the draw in quickly, I see Ellen step in and she clicks the door closed.
“Morning.” She smiles and I smile back, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” She laughs and I do the same, she gets on the bed and kissed my lips, laying her head on the pillow and tracing her finger down my shirt till she slid her hand over my stomach and cuddled into my side. “I thought you’d still be asleep.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Neither could I, I think im stuck on London time.” I nodded, “Really Lou, are you okay? You’re really pale.” I nod and wrap an arm around her.
“Im fine, if you want, try and go to sleep again.” she smiles leaning up to kiss me before snuggling into my side and pulling the doona over herself, after a while I know she was asleep, I pulled the book back out and started reading again.
I met this boy today, he was very nice, he asked me to play soccer with him, his cheeks changed colour a lot like yours, the peachy colour I miss seeing when you smile, I was going with Tegan and her family to see a movie today but Tegan got sick and we couldn’t go, remember the cubby house dad built us? Well he took it down yesterday, mum held me while I cried, she knew I didn’t want it to go because of us, I took a bit of the pink sand that still sat in the corner after you put food colouring on It, I put it in a small glass bottle, on the back mum put a label, it says ‘Lynn’s sand’ it sits on my bed side table the same with a photo of you and me at the park near aunty Dannie’s. You know the one we went to after the bush walk and lunch by the stream with Uncle Joe.
I got a haircut yesterday, it’s really short but I like it. The hair dressers asked why I wanted to cut such pretty hair but I don’t think it’s pretty, I like it the way it is now because I can only see it when I look in the mirror and I try my best not to do that.
13th September 2006
As I read on, it gave me an insight to Ellen in a way, this was how she saw things, pages and pages were flipped, as she wrote to her sister, she wrote things that make me believe she wished she was her sister or more like her.
Remember the tree we carved our names into with dad? It fell down today, mum took me to see it before they chopped it up and throw it away. I remember the day we did that, dad told us to do it but once our names were marking the tree he told us the police would come and get us because we did a bad thing, we cried to mum that night, she told us daddy was a meanie and that no one was coming to get us.
I have a small shoe box, it sits on a shelf in my wardrobe, I took two small leaves from the tree and there kept in there now along with your pink sand and photos of us, there’s also a small piece of glass that a doctor removed from me after the accident, it’s in a small bag and its labelled, I can’t read the label, it looks like scribble but I took it from mums draw, I wanted it, she wasn’t there she shouldn’t have it.
4th December 2006.
Piece of glass from the accident? Does that mean Ellen was there when her sister died?
We drove past the spot yesterday, mum and dad don’t know I remember but I know that’s where it happened, im sorry it happen, it should have been me, you shouldn’t have been on that side, that was always my side. I miss you Lynn’s all the time, I stayed home from school today, I didn’t feel like going, I told mum I felt sick but I don’t really, I just don’t want to be around anyone.
Mum gave me an old drawing we did together, she told me to keep it so I put it beside my door, just above my light switch. Do you remember the drawing? The one where we are on top of the hill and we are looking over all the people because we said we were better than them, we said that because they didn’t have us and we had each other, do you remember that drawing?
17th December 2006
I think back to the day last year when I saw Ellen drawing in her car, the day I found out she was a great drawer, she was drawing a girl on the top of a hill looking down at everyone, they all had someone but the girl at the top of the hill was alone, she was standing looking over ther people as they all stood together as one, they all had another and the girl at the top of the hill didn’t, it was the opposite to the picture she described her and her sister drawing.
It’s Christmas tomorrow, we are going to nan and pop’s for the day, I hope nan gives me that big bag she always did, the one full of different presents, that’s always my favourite part of Christmas. Today is really hot, im in my swimmers because we got a pool two months ago, you would love it, it’s so big and mum said that in the winter it will have a heater so we can use it all year round.
I wish you could reply to me, I wish we could talk even if it was for one more day, even if it was only an hour, I don’t even remember seeing you after the accident, mum said that I was asleep for two days after then she told me you were sleeping too, she told me that you might not wake up and you didn’t. They said there was some kind of robot keeping you alive, saying it was helping you breathing and making your heart go, they said that nothing was working and after a month you died.
24th December 2006
I flipped the page and it was the back cover, a newspaper clipping was pasted down.
Car crash leaving young girl fighting for her life and her twin in a stable condition.
Two young girls and their father were out for a drive when a speeding and drunk driver smashed into the left side of their vehicles, leaving the oldest of the Twins to fight for her life in hospital, the youngest in a stable condition in a induced comer, the father escaped with no injuries the drunk driver died on the scene after continuing on and into a pole, speeding was also a factor in the accident.
9th January 2003.
I place the book back in the draw and am about to pick up the second when Ellen stirs, I close the draw and she soon wakes, I kiss her lips and we talk.