Chekov paced up and down the dank alleyway. “Vat do they think they’re doing, anyway? A Star Wars only convention! Star Trek came first. And it’s better.”
“I daresay you might be the slightest bit biased, ensign,” Spock spoke up. “Though I will concede that Star Trek did indeed air first and does send messages of equality, peace, and cooperation both between and within worlds. If Star Wars has no contending messages of value, then logic holds that Star Trek would be deemed the better.”
Data tilted his head at Spock, blinking once. “You Vulcans are a highly organized race. It is quite refreshing.”
“And you are a fine specimen yourself,” Spock replied. “Perfectly emotionless.”
“Oh get a room, you two!” Scotty said, throwing his hands in the air. “You’re not helping our situation here.”
Kirk stepped forward to take charge just as Picard did. They looked at each other, eyes narrowing slightly. “After you,” Kirk said deferentially.
“No, Captain Kirk, I insist. You were one of my idols at the Academy. Please, go on.”
Kirk straightened his uniform top. “Very well. First we need to-“
A blast took out a large section of wall right behind where Kirk was standing. He instinctively shoulder rolled, then jumped up and spun around. He dropped into a fighting stance and froze with an expression of surprise on his face. All Kirk found was a shocked looking Uhura holding a phaser which was pointed at the crater in the wall. He straightened. Well, perhaps he had overreacted a bit. “What…is the meaning of this?” Kirk said dramatically.
“I don’t know, sir,” Uhura said, nice and naive. “I just picked it up and pulled the trigger. I didn’t think it would actually work. But then again, what do I know? All I do is make phone calls and talk to the computer; no one ever lets me touch weapons,” she grumbled.
“Stay in character!” Bones hissed.
Uhura rolled her eyes. Kirk took his own phaser from his belt and aimed it at the wall at the end of the alley. He fired and a beam of light shot from his gun, colliding with the wall with a flash. Some bricks crumbled and fell. “They actually work,” he said in amazement. “How is this possible?”
“I am sorry to interrupt you, sir,” Data began from the edge of the alley, “but it seems that our weapons are not the only ones which have miraculously gained legitimate power.” He nodded towards the Star Wars fans gathered in front of the convention center. “The Star Wars group are currently hacking a trash can to pieces with ease using some sort of glowing rod in various colors.”
“A lightsaber, you mean,” Scotty said. “I heard mention of them in one of my technical journals. I didn’t think they were real.”
"Pfft," Chekov muttered. "Lightsabers were invented by a little old lady from Leningrad."
“Well apparently they are,” Picard said, ignoring him. “But, that in mind, we have bigger problems.” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “They’ve also realized that they are real, and they have suddenly remembered that we’re over here in this alley.”
Jake blinked, trying to decide what to do. What would James T. Kirk do? “Set phasers to stun,” he ordered.
Bones grabbed his arm. “Jim, don’t you think that maybe we should just talk this over with them? I mean, they’re not actually going to hurt us, are they?”
“Oh my God!” Counselor Troi shouted suddenly. “I’m hearing voices inside my head! I’m actually feeling people’s feelings! What? This can’t be happening!”
“Well, what’s it sound like?” Bones asked impatiently. “They’re just role playing, right?”
After a tense pause, Troi shook her head. “No, whatever is up with this convention center, or whatever is in there that’s causing our weapons to become real is messing with our minds as well. We’re becoming more like our characters,” she said. Deanna’s face was grim. “And they came prepared for war.”
“We just want a nice trek and they gotta go have a war,” Bones muttered, annoyed.
“Well it looks like we’re just going to have to go in there and stop whatever’s causing this,” Kirk said authoritatively. “It’s either that or we have a full fledged Star War right here on earth. I don’t think anyone wants that.”
“I feel inclined to mention that if it were a Star Trek only con, this would not be nearly as bad, for the mission of the Enterprise has always been one of peace,” Spock pointed out.
“Yes, thanks for that, Spock. I think we’re all agreed that a Star Trek only con would be better, but for now, we need to put an end to this before the opposing Star Wars characters kill each other. Or us.”
Data looked around the corner. “They are coming.”
Picard and Kirk shared a glance. Picard pointed towards a fire escape ladder on the side of a building. “Up there. Let’s go.”
They followed his order with no hesitation, just as the crazed Star Wars fans came storming around the corner.