We were always destined for this, I guess. You falling, me becoming a demon, Sam dying, then you. Heaven never went back to the way it was, even though Metatron died and we never did manage to close the doors to Hell but I don't care. I had you and I loved you. I never told you because I was afraid. I was afraid the you wouldn't love me back and that Sam would see me as some one who wasn't his brother. When he died I almost found the strength to tell you. And then you died and I lost my chance. I didn't know if you could hear me or see me but I poured my heart into your grave, shoving the demon part of me down for a few hours so I could cry. It was the second time in years that I had sobbed that hard.
You stood by me while Sam bled out, tried to heal him and when you failed and he stopped breathing, you held me and cried with me. I wanted to kiss you and then tell you everything I felt about you but I couldn't. Even through my demon body I felt grief and love and regret. My emotions had dulled so much that when they pulled through the dead part of me, they were so strong I almost died. I made it through with you and now you're gone.
I never realized what it all meant. Everything you ever did for me. You loved me. I get that now. You pulled me from Hell,rebelled for me and you fell... I'm crying now because I love you too. I'm sorry I never told you. But I wanted to so bad. I wanted to kiss you and hold you and love you but I never could.
You've been gone for just over two months. The first month I was in denial and in so much pain I could barely breath. The second month arrived and I pulled myself out of denial and went to Conway Springs. I found Krissy Chambers and she cleansed me. I never told her what I was planning to do.
I've already drowned a bottle of pills so if you're up there somewhere, then I'm coming to meet you. I'm so so sorry Cas, I really am. You, Sam and Bobby were the really only people I loved and could count on. You all died, slowly one by one and my souls shredded along with my heart. I can hear my ruined heart beat slowing and my head is pounding. I'm sorry,
Goodbye my Lov