1. I Promise
~~Rowan collapsed onto her bed, the blood from her arm running down her white duvet and onto the carpet of her room. Normally she would stop it but this time she couldn’t care less. She had just cut deeper than ever before and the world was beginning to get hazy. “So this is it. I wonder what death is going to be like? What is going to happen after this? It doesn’t matter, anything will be better than this hell I am living in” thought Rowan, a small tear trickling down her face. She didn’t want to die but at this point it seemed like the only answer.
However, we’re starting this story from the end, let’s start where it all began.
Rowan used to be a bright bubbly girl who wore a little too much eyeliner and enjoyed the occasional My Chemical Romance song, and by occasional I mean all. She didn’t care what anybody said about her until… she got lonely. Growing up she didn’t have to many friends, only one honestly, Tess. Tess didn’t care about what kind of music Rowan liked or how much eyeliner she wore, well she didn’t. However, when high school rolled around Tess got mixed in with the wrong crowd and began doing drugs and drinking and who knows what else. Tess became very distant from Rowan and weeks later died after a car hit her while she was drunk. Rowan blamed herself for weeks. “You could’ve stopped her, this is your fault, you could’ve saved her” her guilty conscious would say. That was when the bright bubbly Rowan disappeared. She was replaced with the depressed and self-loathing Rowan everyone knew now.
As the weeks went on, she got lonelier and lonelier. She had lost her only friend and she began believing all the mean things people said about her. That’s when the idea of self-harm began seeming more and more realistic. Eventually she gave in to the urges. After wrestling the blade from her razor, she cut five times, each one having a different meaning.
Annoying, one cut
Stupid, two cuts
Weird, three cuts
Freak, four cuts
Emo, five cuts
The last one was the deepest because that’s what she was in her mind. A weird, annoying, lonely, emo freak and that’s all she would ever be. After doing it once, she swore she would never do it again. But week after week she would find herself in the same spot. Crying silent as the crimson liquid slid down her arm onto the bathroom floor. The cuts got deeper and deeper the more she did it.
And that brings us to now.
She had almost slipped away when she heard the door fly open. Her mother ran to her side and cradled her baby. Tears streamed down her mothers face as she pulled Rowan’s head to her chest. She knew she was too late and that this was the last time she was ever going to see her baby’s smile. Mustering all the strength she had, Rowan spoke.
“I-I am s-sorry m-m-mom. I-I l-l-love you,” said Rowan, a sad smile creeping onto her face.
“No Rowan, I am sorry. I am sorry that I let it get this bad and didn’t say anything. I am sorry I couldn’t protect my baby. I am sorry I have to say goodbye. Please don’t go. There’s a whole world out there for you to see. Things will get better. I promise,” said Rowan’s mother, tears now running down her face. Rowan know saw how much she was loved by someone. She now knew that she wasn’t on this journey alone, she had her mom, the one person who had been there through everything. She know knew she had made a mistake and that this wasn’t the right choice.
“I don’t want to go,” said Rowan, her voice cracking. Suddenly, paramedics ran into the room. Practically prying Rowan off her mother, they got her into the ambulance and drove to the hospital.
“I don’t want you to go either,” said Rowan’s mother sitting in her daughter’s room, still cradling the air where Rowan once was.
That is where this story ends. Did she live? I will let you decide that. Just know that, the decision Rowan made was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No matter how much it seems like it, suicide is not the answer. I promise.