Close As Strangers.

I love him, I do. I love him with every ounce of my body, I’m just tired. Tired of pretending that I’m okay and that I’m happy for him because, I’m not. I’m not happy for him and I’m certainly not okay. Could you live without the love of your life for 6 months straight?.

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1. I miss you.

The street light outside the window seeped through the silk curtains that were drawn closed; no sound could be heard for miles except the sound of crickets buzzing in the field below my bedroom window. The alarm clock beside me flashed 2:09am, rolling my eyes I realised it was too late and I was done waiting for the call that was obviously not going to happen. Switching off the electrical lead the apple Mac was plugged into I began to shut down the computer when a loud buzz echoed through the room indicating a Skype call was coming through. Debating whether or not I was going to give the caller the satisfaction of my company I caved in and pressed accept.

“Hey baby” The Australian accent filled the room, “Hi” I backfired trying to keep my annoyance in. “I’m sorry I’m a little late calling, I had fan stuff to deal with” I weakly smiled staring back at the green eyes that pierced through the laptop screen, his curly hair was pulled back with a red bandana which admittedly looked hot although I’ll never admit it right now. “Late Ashton? A little late? You’re four hours late. Four.” Tried as I might, I could not keep my anger in. “Four? Really” His hand ran over his face rubbing his eyes “It’s 2am there right?” he questioned, I nodded slowly biting the inside of my lip and his eyes began to look sad. “Eh, another time zone taking me away from you” He muttered under his breath “Yeah” I murmured back chewing on the sleeve of the Nirvana jumper I was wearing trying to stop the tears that threatened to spill. “I miss you” I managed to spit out trying to swallow the lump in my throat, looking back at the screen Ashton’s eyes were filled with hope. “I miss you too”. “How is everyone?” I quizzed desperately trying to keep the conversation from dying, I just wanted to sit and watch him. “Yeah, they’re good” He weakly smiled again “Luke’s hitting on all the American girls” a genuine smirk appeared on his face making me smile, “Luke hits on everyone” I chuckled back remembering the time he tried to hit on me when really all I was interested in was the tall lad beside him. “Anyway, I’ll call you tomorrow. Well today there, so later?” he frowned “Okay” I faked another smile. “I love you” and before I could reply I ended the call.

I love him, I do. I love him with every ounce of my body, I’m just tired. Tired of pretending that I’m okay and that I’m happy for him because, I’m not. I’m not happy for him and I’m certainly not okay. That’s selfish isn’t it; I’m not happy for my internationally famous boyfriend. I’m not happy for him because I can’t have him to myself every single day, he’s in a different country every 24 hours and finding the energy to keep a relationship up with him is hard. I should be happy for him. I should be boiling with pride and happiness but I’m empty. Empty and exhausted. This isn’t fair.

The alarm clock flashed 4:00am and I stared at the ceiling above me. I’ve never felt more alone in my whole life, I ache for his touch, smell and love. Tears flooded my face and drenched my shirt but I didn’t care. He’s too far away and it’s unbearable. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Just as doubts began to flood my mind, the Iphone on my wooden bedside table began to vibrate. Ashton’s name lit up the room, taking it in my hand I swiped it and answered “Ash it’s 4am what do you want” I sniffled wiping away the tears, the line was silent and all I could hear was heavy breathing for a few minutes “five months, it’s been five months, all I need is that you hold on for one more month Alexa” it was now my turn for heavy breathing, was it that obvious that I was having doubts? “I can’t” My voice broke as the words escaped. “We can” Ash’s voice was hopeful as my heart broke again and again. “Ashton it’s too much, I haven’t seen your face in ages” the line went silent for the third time “Okay” he croaked and just like that, Ashton gave up fighting for us.

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