Harry plants a kiss on my forehead and then heads out of the room. I take a shaky breath and walk into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I roll up my jacket sleeve and look at the red lines carved into my skin from last night. My eyes trace over the older lines, the ones that are healed now.
I pull out my phone and start to play the song Cut by Plumb. Tears begin falling down my cheeks. Sometimes it's hard to keep the cover show on. I start rumaging through the drawers and find an eyeliner sharpener - probably Eleanor's.
I get to work unscrewing it and take the small piece of metal between my fingers. I slide my back against the wall of the door and try to take deep breaths, trying to calm myself down and talk myself out of it. It's no use.
Slowly I drag the piece of metal across my tender wrist, my body instantly relaxing at the sight of new blood escaping. It's like all of the stress and anger are leaving my body. I take a deep breath and just stare at the window. Another drag and all of the bad thoughts are gone, I'm numb. A smile forms across my face as I continue until I hear a knock on the door.
"London?" It's a female voice.
I scramble to my feet and run to the toilet, flushing it. "Yeah Eleanor?" I ask.
"Are you okay?" She questions.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Actually I'm thinking about taking a shower." I tell her.
"Cool I'll put clothes in Harry's room for you," I can hear the smile in her voice.
"Thanks," I reply coolly. I wait until I hear her footsteps walk away before breathing a sigh of relief and turning the shower on.
My playlist starts playing and I let silent sobs out as I let the burning hot water rush over my skin. My shower lasts for a good 40 minutes before I climb out and wrap myself in a towel from under the sink.
I press my arm against the towel as I walk out into the hallway towards Harry's room. Inside he's sitting on the bed. "Can you step outside for a minute?" I ask in an even voice.
"Babe I've seen you naked before," He chuckles.
"Harry," I look at him seriously.
"Okay, okay. I'll be out in the hallway," He puts his hands up defensively and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him. I let the towel drop as I walk to the bed and grab the underwear and sweatpants El laid out for me. I pull them on, but then just stare at the camisole she put out.
I walk over to Harry's dresser and pull out an over sized tee shirt, pulling it over my head before walking to his closet and grabbing a black jumper, sliding it over my arms and zipping it up halfway.
I run my fingers through my hair and then pull it into a loose side braid. I open Harry's underwear drawer to grab socks and find an old picture of me and him. In the picture I'm on his back, covering his eyes and laughing hysterically. Harry is smiling and reaching up to uncover my hands and Zayn is standing on the edge of the picture with a weird look on his face. I smile at the memory and then feel a pang of sadness. I rub my arm and then take a deep breath before opening Harry's door, having completely forgotten the socks.
Harry turns around and smiles at me, pulling me into a hug. I jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. "Woah," He laughs, putting a hand under my bum to support me. I dig my head in the space between his shoulder and his neck.
I breathe in his smell and it feels intoxicating. "I'm sorry," I whisper softly.
He puts me down and pulls my face back to look at me. "I love you," He smiles softly, stroking my cheek. A tear escapes my eye. He wipes it away with his thumb.
"Where's your toothbrush?" I ask him, dragging him to the bathroom. He points to the red one so I pick it up and start brushing my teeth. I look over at him and he's smiling at me. "What?" I ask with a mouth of toothpaste.
"Nothing," He shakes his head. "It's like you never left," He wraps his arms around my waist from behind.
I finish brushing my teeth and then turn to face him. "But I did leave. And I'm sorry," I say. He leans down and kisses me passionately. When he pulls back he rests his forehead on mine and his beautiful green orbs stare back at me.
"I thought about you everyday," He whispers. I smile sadly and grab his hand, pulling him out of the room. "Wait," He stops, looking down. "Is that blood?" He asks, looking down at a red spot on the white carpet in the bathroom. I shrug. He narrows his eyes at the spot and then gets up, walking with me again.
We walk downstairs to the living room and sit on the couch beside each other. Zayn glances at me from across the room. "So London," Louis starts, looking at me intently.
"Yeah?" I ask with a smile.
"Zayn's a real jackass huh?" He smiles. Zayn hits him hard in the chest. "Ow," He glares at Zayn.
"Family is family," I shrug. Zayn's eyes and Harry's eyes bolt to me. Shit.
"What happened to you between the time that Harry and I talked and now?" Zayn accuses me.
"Nothing," I lie. Harry narrows his eyes at me. "I had a relaxing shower. Better mood," I shrug. "Don't ruin it," I look at both of them before getting up and walking to the kitchen for a cup of tea.
Harry follows me in. "Babe, what's wrong?" He asks me.
"Nothing," I shake my head with a smile.
"I think you're lying to me," He tells me, lifting me up on the counter. I furrow my eyebrows.
"And why would I do that?" I question him.
"Because you are my beautiful fiancee who never admits that she is having trouble with something," He replies. I shake my head with a smile.
"Okay Harry," I say sarcastically.
"Babe, talk to me," He whispers, taking my hands in his.
"It's just weird being back here," I shrug, trying to make it believable. Harry always has been sensitive to my feelings. He knows something is wrong and won't stop until he finds out what it is.
"You're sure?" He questions. I nod with a smile. "Okay," He sighs, stepping between my legs and putting a hand on my leg and one on my jawline. He pulls my face towards him and I kiss him softly, remembering his touch. After a second I push him away and storm out of the kitchen back to the living room. I reach into a standing Zayn's pocket and grab his lighter.
"London!" Harry calls after me.
"Please just go into the living room and wait for me," I ask him.
"Where are you going?" He responds.
"Please?" I ask again, trying to keep my voice from cracking. He deliberates if it is a good idea and then kisses my forehead before walking to the living room.
I head out onto the back porch steps and light another cigarette. Silent tears fall down my face as I breathe out the smoke, letting the smoke burn in my throat. I wipe my tears away as I hear the back door slide open.
My brother sits down next to me. "Stressful?" He asks me, taking a cigarette from my pack and lighting it himself.
"You have no idea," I shake my head.
"You know, the last time I saw you cry was when I got shot in that fight," He chuckles. I hit his chest. "But the only time before that was that time when you were three and you scraped your knee. You never cry in front of anyone about anything. When you broke your arm, your face remained rigid. When mum died, you didn't speak to anyone for two months. But I never saw you cry," He says.
"And why are you bringing that up?" I question annoyed.
"Because I still know what you look like after you've just been crying. The same look on your face is the same one that you had the night you came into my bedroom after mum died to sleep with me. The red eyes, the tired gaze. You've been crying," He accuses me.
"So what if I have? Don't pretend like you care," I scoff. He pulls me against him and wraps me in his arms.
"I am so sorry London. For all of the pain that I caused you, for all of the anger and sadness I brought to you, for not being there for you. I understand that I am asking you to do something huge when I ask for you to forgive me. I'm sorry," He whispers and I watch as a tear slides down my brother's cheek.
I wipe away his tear and stand up, taking a calming breath. "I'll give you three days to prove to me you're worthy of being in my life. I don't do second chances Zayn, you know that. So make it count," I say in a straight voice.
"One condition," He requests. I look at him with a serious glare. "You have to sleep over for the three days," He asks.
"Fine," I sigh and start to walk away. "And Zayn," I add, walking back.
"Yeah?" He questions. My palm collides with his cheek, forcing his face to the right. I stalk away from him and into the house.
I pass the boys and head upstairs to Harry's room, deeming it safe to start to get some rest.