Laying awake in bed at 3:00 am, you probably assumed I'm talking to a boyfriend or pondering about love or something meaningful but the truth is I'm an insomniac. Even if I tried to sleep which is a huge no no for me I wake up trembling and all that haunts me is the memories on constant in the form of nightmares. Exaggeration may be the term some would use however It's the truth people probably laugh at me yet they don't know who I am? what I've been through, you can't see the monster inside me slowly destroying any happiness I wish to have. who would see this? especially when my life is based on fake smiles and fake laughs. I guess you could say it was almost a clown like persona sad eyes yet a joyful smile. Two emotions both contradicting one another yet form the mask used to hide sorrow, pain and misery.
My name is Amelia, Amelia Woods just a name, just another burden upon this torturous world. Leaning against my headrest using the comfort of my blankets to give me somewhat warmth and trying to block out the voices in my head telling me I'm better off dead, nobody needs me what importance do I have in their life? I felt my fingers grip onto my skull tightening in hope that the voices in my head would be quieter. Silently screaming and that tiny array of hope flashes inside me hoping someone would hear me.
Suddenly everything goes quiet and all I can hear is my mismatched breathing, my fingers dropped to the side of my body still shaking, I opened my closed eyes allowing my vision to become blurry and then the tears fell, the sobs grew louder as I dug my head into my pillow. Screaming, punching trying to get all the frustration out.
I sat up and my chest began to tighten making it difficult to breathe. The anxiety which I suffered from was getting worse. No one understands how hard it is to have depression, anxiety and pretend that everything is okay. Do you think It's easy to lie to my parents, siblings and friends, telling them I'm perfect when my mind is displaying thoughts of suicide, death, razors?
"Amelia wake up honey time for college" the angelic voice of my mother was heard alongside two knocks on my door.
"breakfast will be ready in 15 hurry up darling". my panic started to decrease and subsided to come out at a slower and steady pace.
"I'll be down in a few" my voice replied slightly shaky but mostly faking happiness.
"okay honey" my mother replied.
I got up and saw my younger sister stretching, time for my charade to begin I felt my lips curl up into a smile, a demonic smile fooling everyone hiding the inner thoughts which were flooding my mind a minute ago.
"Hey you alright A" my sister Anne said in a worrying tone, oh god did she realize my panic
"Perfect I mean why wouldn't I be, I slept late since I was watching some YouTube videos" i said in a chirpy voice
liar, i mean look at you, you pathetic shit your worth nothing no one worrying over if you let someone in they'll just hurt you the voices in my head spoke.
"Okay dokey next time I'm taking your phone before you sleep" she replied
I laughed which would seem perfectly normal but only I knew the struggle I had to force the laughter out my mouth.
"Time to get ready college is starting soon, you eating breakfast?" she said whilst taking her clothes to the en-suite in our shared room.
"I'll get ready within 10 minutes no worries, and I don't really feel like eating I might just grab some chewing gum from the shop" I replied.
Anne walked out the bathroom "Ame listen you haven't been eating properly please eat something for mum?" she said in a worried tone
Eat why don't you not like your fat enough hahaha you deserve nothing to eat, just to die the voices said in a cynical tone.
My eyes closed for a second when I opened them Anne was looking at me worriedly "You alright?" she asked gently whilst approaching me.
"Fine just for mum I'll eat something" I said whilst faking happiness, I saw her smile "Great see you downstairs" she said whilst running down the stairs.
I closed the room door and slowly leaned my back against it letting the tears fall down my face, I really need to stop crying it's weak, as long as i don't cry in front of someone I told myself. My eyes wandered to the clock 8:20am time for college soon....