Last year, if anyone were to ever tell me my life would change so drastically that I would actually contemplate taking my life, I would have thought they were crazy. I HAD to be there for my younger siblings. They NEEDED me, always have, always will. However circumstances changed, life changed, and I changed. I fell in love. I fell so hard in love that I had scabbed my knees and broke more than bones. It was a beautiful disaster until I fell so hard that I ended up breaking my own heart. He didn’t have to leave for me to go crazy. I’ve always been crazy; crazy for him, and crazy in love. He was the one good thing I had ever had and now he was gone. He left with tears in his eyes, but hate in his heart; because when I broke my own heart, I demolished his. I tore it to pieces as if it was no big deal, yet I didn’t mean for it to happen. I meant to love him forever, until we grew old together, but I couldn’t. He was always better off without me, I had always told him that but he never listened. So when I ruined everything, he left. It’s selfish of me to have wished he would have stayed. He needed to go, get away from me and have a happy, full life. Not a life full of drama, tears, hate, and turmoil. I always ruined everything and I was done being THAT girl. I just wanted to be me, and not hurt anyone. Yet that wasn’t possible, because I AM ME, and all that me is, is a plain, old, worn out rubber band that had finally snapped.
I sat in the waiting room alone. For hours. There was no one left. Bricia took the guys to their hotel. I was never going to see them again. It had to be done. I asked the nurse for a piece of paper and pen, and sat down, trying to think of what to write to Shane. I wanted to give him a letter of faith. A letter for him to read when he felt down. Something like what he gave me. I did my best to convey my feelings, but I had none. Nothing but sadness, and an empty hole where my heart used to be. What do I say to someone who is about to die?
It took me a while but I finally finished it. I slipped it inside my purse and continued to wait. Another hour passed. Chelsea had texted me asking where I was. I told her I was with Shane, and that I wouldn’t be coming home for a while.
It felt like days passed before the doctor stepped up to me at around 5 in the morning.
“We do believe we were successful, however we don’t know for sure.” He trailed off.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Shane has yet to wake up. He’s breathing but remains unconscious. I’m afraid he may have slipped into a coma.
“A coma? For how long do you think?”
“Were not sure. It could be for a few hours, or a few weeks, or indefinitely. We aren’t’ able to tell.” He looked me in the eyes. I saw how tired he looked. After operating for hours upon hours I would be tired too. In fact I was tired. I was exhausted.
“We will keep you updated on his progress. Would you like to see him?” he held his hand out to me. I took it and he pulled me to my feet, walking me down the long halls to Shane’s new room. It was located in between ICU and the operating wing. I sat down in the chair next to his sleeping figure. His chest rose and fell softly. It reminded me of when he was a baby. Mother used to put us both in the bath together when I was five and he was three. We would go on long walks to the local park where Alex and dad were practicing for t-ball.
I smiled at the memories. Mom would look so pretty in her sundress. She would smile and push us on the tire swing. That was before I had a care in the world. Before my parents were taken away. Before I met the man of my dreams.
Before I ruined everything.