We waited for hours for news on Shane. It was four in the afternoon before we were approached by one of the many doctors.
“Ms. White, may I speak to you?” he gestured with his arm to a couple seats in the corner. I moved in the direction and sat down.
“Now, at this moment he is doing fine. We have been doing some x-rays all morning before the incident and wanted to confirm what we thought before we came to you. It is as we fear, cancer on the exterior part of the lungs also. Now, we finished the first part of surgery and would like to start the second but we need you to know that there is only a 60% survival rate. However, if we don’t do the surgery he will die for sure, but in time. I am asking what you would like for us to do.” He clasped his hands together.
I didn’t realize that I was holding my breath until my lungs burned from lack of air. I couldn’t tell if my heart was beating. I couldn’t tell if I was alive.
“I’ll give you ten minutes to think about it, but that’s all I can give you.” And with that he got up and walked away.
Harry walked over and sat down across from me. He reached out and grabbed my hands with one of his and lifted my chin with the other. “What did he say?”
I relayed the information to him. I felt numb.
“What are you going to do?”
“What can I do? Either way he could die.”
“Why not try for hope? Why not try the surgery? It might work. 60% isn’t as bad as 30, or 20.” He squeezed my hands.
“You don’t get it” I said angrily, ripping my hands out of his, and standing up. I started pacing the waiting room. “This is not going to be okay. How am I supposed to play god with my brother’s life? How am I supposed to choose? I can’t choose.”
“Let him get the surgery. It could save him” Harry stood.
“Or it could kill him. I can’t keep losing people Harry. Do you not understand that?” I was furious.
“You won’t. Trust me. You won’t lose him. You won’t lose me. You won’t lose anyone. I’m here for you. I will always be here for you.” He reached out to me, but I stepped away. I can’t do this with him. Everything is only going to get worse. I can’t keep dragging him along. He needs to go live his life.
“You need to leave.” I said looking at my feet.
“What? No, I’m going to stay. For you, for Shane.”
“No. I want you to leave. You need to leave.”
“I-I don’t understand…” he came closer.
“LEAVE! Go away! Go live your life, and stay out of mine.” I pushed him away. “Ever since you guys came everything went to shit. Shane got cancer, I lost my job, just leave us alone. I don’t want one direction. I don’t need one direction. And I especially don’t need you.”
“I thought you loved me…?” he backed away slowly. My heart broke. ‘I do’ I wanted to say. I wanted to run to him and kiss him and tell him that it was all just a sick joke. But I can’t, and I won’t.
“The only person here that I love is lying on a surgical table about to die.” Harsh.
“Alright.” He put his hands in his pockets. “I’ll go. But this time, I'm not coming back. If I leave, then I leave." I nodded my head as water poured from my eyes. He nodded too. Turning his back I saw tears streaming down his face as he walked out of the door.
I sat back down, wondering what on earth I just did. The doctor came back up to me and asked what I wanted to do.
“Fix my brother” I said. And then, I cried.