Still. That's what time felt like. Like nothing was moving or making a sound. Like it was wrong to. I hated it. The joy and the laughter sucked up into a big black hole. Just waiting and sitting still. Dad's tapping his foot along to the slow beats of the plane white clock. While Mum just sits still, slowly sipping her steamy black coffee. Me. Well I know what's coming, I've already braced myself for it. 1..2..3 slowly counting the seconds. Dying to get out of here. Dying. That word will soon mean so much to me.
I stand up smiling at the nurse who stood infront of me. She wore a plain white dress going down to her knees, with little black pumps on her small feet, her hair pulled up into a tight bun, with the little odd bits falling down, and the smile she had to fake so many times, on her pale white skin.
"Here" Mum and Dad stood up and took a hold of my hands.
We followed the nurse down the hall ways, the smell of sick in the air, the many people rushing around to help the people who needed it most. My white VANS clicking on the ice cold tiles. The door I had seen so many times these past months stood infront of me. That was the only thing between me and my life at this moment in time. I sucked in my breath and waited for the sound of my Doctors voice.
It was now or never. My shaky hand made contact with the silver handle. I turned it slowly and there was the room. The window open, the computer buzzing away, the plain white wall still there with no life what so ever. I sat down and spaced out while he went on, about my illness and the effects what would come. But then the words came what I was waiting for.
"I'm sorry Fay, but there's nothing more we can do for you" I didn't expect it to hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I would be okay with already knowing it was going to happen. But no I felt like my whole life was just getting pulled away....it was. I wouldn't grow up and have my dream job, travel the world, find love, have kids, get married and grow old with the man I love and see our family come together.
All the way home it was silent apart from my Mum's small cries. She took it the hardest her daughter was as dying and leaving her, in her mind it was almost as though she thought she wouldn't be a Mother anymore, all the years she had put into me, was gone, just wasted like that. Dad was just trying to ignore it and try and look on the bright side, but there isn't one, and I knew that and so did they. The car stopped and there was my home, the place I grew up in. I walked slowly into my room and grabbed my photo book looking back at all the memories I had. The holiday to Wales, Camping with school sitting around the fire and laughing at the events of the day, my cheerleading pictures, me and my friends and all the silly moments we have had, and my best picture, me, Mum and Dad smiling at the camera after we had just finished the race for life. I don't know what took over me but tears came flooding from my eyes dripping all over the pictures. I pulled my skinny legs in and dropped my head, crying, and crying it was the only thing I had left to do.
I felt arms reach around me, and pull me into their warm embrace. Normally I knew this would comfort me, but nothing but pain came from it.
"You know my Mother always told me, that the moment you are about to quit is usually the moment right before the miracle happens" My Mother whispered into my hair and she kept a tight grip on me.
"I-I-I thought I would never quit, but there's nothing more what can be done for me, soon it will be over and time for me to go" I cried harder, I have never had pain like this. My Mother lifted my head and looked right into my eyes. Silent tears were still escaping from her's.
"I know, you feel like you have nothing to fight for any more, but you always used to tell me, how you would always make sure you did everything you dreamed of, it's not to late"
"How? How can I when I have so much I want to do but so little time?" I cried
"Make a list, one of them things what everyone goes on and on about on Tumblr or whatever you kids call is now a days" I laughed wiping away my tears with my long sleeve.
"A bucket list Mum" I smiled, which she returned. She placed a piece of my hair behind my ear.
"Yes that's it, now get some sleep." I nodded and she kissed my head and said goodnight before walking away.
11th June 2014
I found out today, and I know I was expecting this. But how can anybody really be fine with hearing that they don't have long left and that they are going to die. I'm not going to let it destroy my memories though of what I will leave.
Because cancer is limited...
It cannot cripple love, shatter hope and corrode faith. Nor can it destroy peace, kill friendship, and silence courage. It cannot invade the soul, steal eternal life, and conquer the spirit.
I won't give up fighting, even if it's a losing battle. Because at least I know I died fighting my war.
Fay Jones x
A'/N I hope you guys like this story, cause I have a great plot in mind. If you want me to check out your stories just leave a comment :) ily x