So currently I am sat, in the waiting room of the hospital. Something about they want me to have a check up, to see if anything has changed. I'm not expecting anything though, because it's not like all of a sudden I will get better and that everything will be okay, and I'll die of an old age. No life just isn't like that and it never will be like that.
"Miss.Jones? Dr Lawson will see you know" The same nurse as before smiled at me, I nodded and made my way down to his room.
It's sad to say that this place is like another home to me, from all the time I have been here, I could tell you were to go with my eyes closed, and I'm not at all proud of that. I opened Dr Lawson's door, and made my way to the seats across from him, my parents following my lead.
"So, we are going to run a few test, and see if anything has changed. Is that okay?" He asked.
Before my parents could answer, I spoke up. "No. I don't want any test doing nothing will have changed"
"We could just check to make sure" My Dad argued.
"No cause we all know, that for a fact nothing has changed and it's not going to. I'm really sorry to say this but we all need to stop living on false hope it's not good for us" I sighed, my Dr nodded.
"Fay, may I ask. What do you think about cancer?" Dr Lawson said, folding his arms and leaning back in his chair.
"I wish cancer got cancer and died. Therefore it would know how it feels to live each day in fear" He nodded.
"And what do you think about the people finding the cure?"
"I am thankful that they are trying but, the can give us Viagra, Levitra and Cialis, yet they are finding it harder to get something for cancer? This is what I think, they should stop playing with their dicks and focus on the more important stuff" My Doctor smiled, and asked if he could just talk to my parents.
I sat down in the waiting chairs, and look around at all the different people here. When you look at a person, any person who your eyes may come across, remember that everyone has a story, good or bad, they will have a story, and everyone has gone through something that has changed them.
But when people look at me, they wouldn't think I was a girl with cancer. I look normal, no sign of anything. I look healthy but if you were to look inside of me, you'd see my soul slowly dying. That's the thing with dying you can feel it. I ignore the feeling I get because I don't want to feel it.
My phone beeps in my pocket and a new message appears.
Test from Louis
Fay, if you don't want to talk to me it's fine, just don't make me feel like an idiot for waiting.
I gulped, there was no way he was going to be okay with me now. But what I'm doing is stupid I just don't want anyone to get hurt. I don't want him to get hurt. Trust me I wish I never met up for the stupid coffee with him.
"Fay you ready to go?" My Mum asked, I looked up at her to see Dad and Dr Lawson.
"Do you mind if I just talk to Dr Lawson alone" I asked and they nodded.
I followed Dr Lawson back into his room and took a seat, he looked at me waiting for me to speak.
"So..Is it wrong to drag someone into this?" I asked
"You've met someone?" He smiles, he truly were a Doctor who I could get on with and trust.
"Yes. My parents will just say leave him out of this, but I'm not sure. I've been ignoring him and it feels wrong almost"
"You are not dragging him in, he's coming to you by choice" He explained.
"But he doesn't know" I said dropping my head.
"It's up to you what you do Fay. It's your life and whatever you want you should go get it"
"Thank" I nodded.
I left the room quickly and made my way to the car. As I got in my parents turned to look at me. I just smiled and Dad set off driving. As the car moved I looked out the window, my town really was a beautiful place. Doncaster born and raised, I smiled as we passed by Miss Lucas' house. She hates me, I always caused trouble for her on my way home from school.
I sucked in a breath as I saw him. He was wearing a white tank top, and black shorts, his hair still messy as ever. He was kicking around a football with a bunch of boys much like him. His friends. See he's not missing me and I wouldn't make a difference to him. He's happy as he is and I'm not going to wreck that for him.
As soon as we pulled up outside my house, I ran out of the car and straight into my room.
"FAY YOU NEED YOUR DINNER!" My Mum yelled up the stairs.
"I'M NOT HUNGRY I'M REALLY TIRED" And I wasn't lying. I felt full to the point where I could throw up and my body was aching.
I changed into my pj's and wrapped myself up in my blankets, and within seconds my eyes closed.
15th June 2014
I want to be alone, but I don't want to feel lonely.
I like being by myself, but I want somebody to hold me.
I don't want to be sad, but at this moment in time it's too hard to be fucking happy.