I stood by the door with Harry, and the other stood in front of us. Louis had excused himself, and Tiff had not returned to a farewell.
Zayn stepped forward and hugged me tightly, “Don’t do anything too reckless, please, I would like you to return in one piece” he whispered into my ear, and I smile.
“I could say the same to you” I say and pull back and he cups my face, and smiles kissing me softly, and I wrap my arms around his neck again hugging him, pulling him close.
Over his shoulder, I see Harry holding Hope. Hugging her tightly, wrapping his arms around her as much as they will go, and her smile as his lips caress the top of her head.
And I wanted to give Zayn my undivided attention, really, I did. But, as I hold him, I see Harry loving Hope. I felt empty. I was being selfish, again. I wanted all of Zayn’s love, and Harry’s. I could not share my heart, I could only give it to one. I had made the choice to give it to Zayn, but by only holding half of Harry’s love, I felt weakened by everything around me.
I could only love one, and leave the other with memories.
“Call me when you land okay?” Zayn spoke, drawing me back to him, pulling me away from them, and smile up at him softly, and nodded kissing his cherry lips once more.
“Be safe” I tell him, and touch his cheek, “Give me something to come home too” I say.
“We should be going” Harry spoke, I turn around and looked to Harry, he had Hope clinging to him, wrapping her small frame around his torso.
“I love you” Zayn purred in my ear, and I to look up to him, and nod, kissing him.
“I love you” I say to him.
Harry kisses Hope, and we walk out, he guides me out, and we sigh turning around saying goodbye. “What’s another goodbye to us, huh?” he asked me, and I sigh and force a smile at him, we had said it to many times for it to be any different this time.
I got into the car just as it started to rain, and we drove away, the people we adored the most standing outside watching us go.
The drive was long and silent with the radio humming in the back ground, Harry had he sunglasses pulled over his long hair, and he glanced over at me every so often, I didn’t need to look at him to know he would be doing it, his eyes watching me left a burning hole where he had glared upon.
“Are you okay?” he asked me, “You normally can’t stop talking for the life of you on car rides, well you didn’t when we were away” he spoke.
“A lot has changed since then, I have a lot less to say now, and there is a lot less I can say” I tell him, and he looked forward, one hand on the steering wheel, and the other on his lap.
“Things haven’t changed that much” he sighed.
“I have, I’ve changed enough for everyone” I spoke.
“Oh yeah? Is that good or bad?” he asked me, and I looked upon him, “I quiet like the new you” he spoke, and I looked down hating what he liked, “But I loved the old you” he added quietly.
I smile at him, “So you and Hope, huh? You’re official?” I ask him, and he gulped and nodded slowly, coughing to cover himself. “She’s good for you” I say, and it pains me so I look away from him, and turn my head to the wind with water droplets on.
“Yeah, she is” he spoke.
“When did you two…?” I trail off, and he looked to me, and chuckled to himself.
“I can see this this making you uncomfortable, Brook, and I sure as hell don’t want to talk about Hope around you” he spoke, “It’s weird, she is always trying to find a way to bring you up, and you always find a way to bring her up… I feel like some kind of prize” he smirked.
“Well she won you” I say, not meaning git to sound as bitter as I spoke it.
“Don’t make it sound like you didn’t have the chance too” he told me, and a frown blew over his chilled face. “Besides, Zayn won you” he says.
“Sorry” I spoke, “I didn’t mean it like that” I say.
“You did though, don’t make me feel guilty for loving her, Brook, don’t even try to, you’re the whole reason I am with her, because you told me to love her, so that is what I am doing” he snarled.
“You love her?” my voice cracked a little, and he looked to me as we pulled up to a red light.
“Isn’t that what you wanted, me to be happy with someone who wasn’t you?” he asked me, and I nod slowly, but look up to him.
“I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon, I… I don’t know, I guess I am still caught up on the idea that you are always going to be there, waiting for me to realise what a fool I have been” I shook my head to myself.
“I am always going to be there” he told me.
“Not how I want you to be” I say, and then realise what I have said. I didn’t know what was going, my thought process was slow, but he was on the ball with his reply.
“Don’t do this again. You’re going to hurt me, Zayn, Hope, and yourself… you’ve not bee a fool, Zayn is right for you” he told me.
“I know, I hate myself for still loving you. Harry, I got so jealous before when you were holding Hope, because I remembered when you used to do that to me” I tell him.
“You did?” he asked me, almost being pulled in, leaning a little closer, until the car behind us beeped, and he pulled up and drove, staying strong enough for the both of us. “No, we can’t do this… I don’t want to do this” he told me, and shook his head.
Then once again we sat in silence - in the car, on the plane, and until we got to the hotel room.
I had showered and I sat on the bed we were expected to share, given it was a last minute booking. - I sat with my hands wrapped around me, pulling myself together.
Harry came in from the bathroom, and his eyes caught mine but he pulled himself away from me, he leant against the window frame, which peered down. “I think we need to talk about before, Brook” he said.
“I think so too” I whispered, standing up and walking over to him.
“We can never be what we were, I can’t do it again, I can’t love you”
“Harry…” I whispered, and he moved away from my touch.
“I tried, I tried, okay? But I can’t keep pretending that everything is alright” he spoke, and moved away from me.
“I would give everything to take it all back”
“I know you would, and I know how sorry you are, Brook, but that doesn’t change anything” he spoke. “I can’t stay with you guys anymore, it isn’t fair on you, or me, or Zayn, or even Hope… I want to act like nothing happened, but do you know how hard it is?” he asked me.
“I hate seeing you with Zayn, I know I have said I am okay with it, but you know it hurts to see the person that ruined what I still consider to be my last chance of happiness” he told me, “And I know you love Zayn, you are in a difficult place, and you only want me right now because you’re lonely and you don’t want to be left alone with your thoughts… I don’t like hearing you say you miss me, because its things that mean nothing anymore, and if it hurts you to see me with Hope, then it isn’t fair” he told me.
“I hate how you are always right” I say.
Harry turned to me, “When we get back home, I am going to move back out, take Hope with me, keep her save… give her all the love I saved up for you” he told me, and I nodded.
“Okay” I say.
“Don’t… I know that look, you’re going to cry… don’t cry” he begged me, shaking his head, and his own eyes teared up.
“I’m sorry, but this is killing me” I spoke. “You’d think me and you would be okay with this, we have had so much back and forth, and I have ruined everything, because I have loved you and Zayn… I am sick of loosing people, of hurting people, and I just want one day when I don’t have a melt down, where I just sleep without a worry” I cry.
“I am glad you loved me, if I had to be ruined anyone, it would be you” he spoke, and walked over cupping my face. “I would let you ruin me again, but I just don’t think you’d survive it” he spoke.
“Me?” I ask.
“Yeah, I could survive it, because it’s you, your love is the most beautiful thing in this world, and who ever you give it to is lucky, your love can do anything…” he paused, and brushed hair from my face, “…it makes people feel things that they didn’t even know were possible… I could live on it, but you can’t keep giving it, or you’ll run out” he spoke.
“I am so sorry”
“Don’t apologise anymore… here is what we are going to, we are going to go out and have a drink, we are going to dance, gamble, and forget everything… we are going to party in vegas” he smirked at me, “How does that sound?” he spoke.
I smile, and his large thumbs wipe the tears away from my eyes. “That sounds fantastic, but I say, we grab a bottle of whiskey from the bar, and sit watching bad films, in that bed, and be like we used to be… friends” I say.
“That sounds perfect” he spoke.
There was so much sound, as everyone stood around the kitchen, with a drink in their hand and a laughing at who they were talking too. I stood near the back door, and sighed with a drink in my hand.
“Try and look like you’re having a little bit of fun” Flo spoke to me, taking the drink from my hand, pressing her purple lips to the bottle. “You look like someone just died” she spoke, and pushed the bottle against my chest.
“Yeah, well, it’s not exactly my idea of a good night, we should be planning what we have to for when they turn up here on Wednesday” I say.
“Everyone needs a night off Zayn, even you” she smirked.
“Liam, get him another drink” Flo spoke to him, and he looked to me, but I shook my head and he nodded, showing little concern, because he knew there was nothing he could do about it.
“Louis and Tiff, try to refrain from touching each other up” she giggled standing beside me, I wondered how much had happened since I had been off in my own little world which consisted of the gang and Brook.
“Since when were you two fucking?” I ask, stepping towards them.
“It’s been a while” Louis smirked up at me, and I roll my eyes at him. I had to get out of here, away from the strangers before me.
I laughed so hard. It felt good, like the world was lighter, and the scars were fading the longer I spent with his voice in my mind. I was crying as Harry commentated over the film, sitting cross legged beside him, and grinning like a fool at him.
“Please, stop…” I laughed, and he grinned and his dimples popped like they used too, and the crinkles beside his eyes smiled with him, and I loved the look of him.
“Why did this stop, huh?” he asked me, and took my hand, and pulled me to lie down beside him, and I giggle hearing his heart beat a little bit faster, and hearing my heart get a little slower.
“I think you have had a little bit much to drink, Harry” I say, and sit up, with his hand still intertwined with mine, and I smile lightly, and his thumb draws circles into my hand.
“I hate the fact we said no” he whispered, and I sighed and pulled my hand away, covering it with my own, and he cocked his head looking over to me.
“Yeah… me too” I spoke and stood up, letting his hand fall to the soft white sheeting, “You should probably get to sleep, beat the hang over” I try to laugh about it.
“You’re nervous” he told me, and he had lay back, his curls pressing against the pillow, and I turn to look at him and smirk. “You always giggle when you’re nervous, but you shouldn’t be around me” he told me, and I laughed again.
I sit down beside him, and trace my fingertips over his loose strands of hair, wrapping it around my finger. “I have little to no will power around you, and I hate it” I spoke.
“If I kissed you, you couldn’t say no, is that what you are trying to say?” he asked me, and I nodded.
“So please don’t kiss me” I beg him, and looked down to my legs, and let go of him.
“I won’t, just lay with me” he told me, “Please… I won’t ask anything more, or do anything else, I just want you to lay beside me” he spoke.
So I did. I lay beside him, both of us lying on our backs. I smile softly, hearing his light breathing, but he reaches and grabs my hand, and interlocks our fingers. “Nothing more” he whispered, softly, and I smile, letting out a deep breath.
Closing my eyes, and falling asleep for the first time in a long time, happy.
I pulled my coat around me a little bit tighter, she hadn’t called. She hadn’t told me she was safe, I knew she would be, but I wanted to hear her say it. I sigh and looked around the grey stones around me. She was with him right now, and I was here. Alone with what was once her.
I stood by her grave. Or what I thought was her grave, and I thought for a moment, hoping it would all be alright. Hoping all this would be over soon, and I knew it would be, because we had been through too much to go back now.
I sat with whiskey in a paper bag, and lent my back against the living girls grave. I just wanted to be alone, we had been surrounded by too much at this point, and I could sit and listen to the talk of others whilst she was so far away with Harry, her main temptation.
So I just sat for a moment, feeling closer to her now that she was not here. i drank the whiskey, and wondered if things would be like this if she had of died all those months ago.
For a split second I wish she did. I wish she had died, then she wouldn’t of had to see all this. She wouldn’t of had to feel this much pain, she wouldn’t of saw me with Perrie, she would still of been her purest, she wouldn’t of book my heart, and so many in finding her self.
Then I stop myself, because I think of my self with out her, and I see nothing, I feel nothing, I am nothing. Without her beside me, I don’t see anything, I’m just a skeleton in a body, and nothing more than that.
“I thought I might find you here” I heard a low voice, and I turn around and see Niall with his hands in his pockets. “I come here sometimes too you know, when I miss her, even though she is touching distance, I feel closer to her here” he spoke and walked forward in the moon light.
“I couldn’t be around everyone, it was too much, everyone being happy with out her there” I say, “Even with out Harry there, I just couldn’t do it” I say.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me” Niall spoke, and sat down beside me, and I sigh as he took the bottle from my hand, checking the label and taking a sharp and bitter mouthful.
“I feel closer to her here too, please stay with me" I say, and after a moment, he spoke.
“Why did you stay Zayn? She ruined your life, and I love her as much as everyone else, but you let her ruin you, and you just sat there and let it happen, I mean, was it worth it?” he spoke, and I knew he was right, but I sighed and took the bottle back from him.
“If you find someone you love enough to ruin your entire life for, Niall?” I pause and look to the grave I am lay upon, and run my fingers over the name, “It’s always worth it” I sigh.
Comment please, I need to make sure you all like it, because I don’t know what you want me to do if not. So comment, and tell me what you think. Love you all. xox