I had eagerly awaited Zayn’s text all day, I mean, I know he was 5 hours a head of where I was, but I had expected something by now.
it was eight o’clock now. All day the people in the house had told me, plans, and codes, and everything I would need to know. - The first drug bust we were doing was going to be a down two job, some people had stolen drugs and 80k from Ricky, and it was our job to get them back, much like what I had done in Spain months ago, I was going to be a distraction.
I would go into a low lit wine bar with Naomi, and we would go over to the men, I hadn’t asked their names, because I didn’t know if I could fit them in with all of the information I had acquired.
I sat in the conservatory of the large house with a thick brown blanket over me, with a mug of coffee, watching the rain pour down on the window, and my only focus was those droplets that lay against the cold glass.
“You look like your in some kind of movie, contemplating the wonders of life” I heard a deep laugh, and moved slightly in the soft couch, and move to look at the figure at the door.
“Hey, Alfie” I smile softly, and sit up and place my cup down, he offers me a smile back, and sits down beside me, resting his elbows on his knees and looking out the window with me.
“You seemed to make yourself at home pretty quickly” he told me, and I nodded at him and he cocked his head to the side, “Are you okay? Or have I just interrupted some deep thought about life?” he dipped his head down to look at me, and I laugh at him.
“No. No deep thoughts here, not about one solid thing anyway” I tell him.
“Oh, so I was thinking, you need to buy some new clothes, like for your under cover work, you need something for tomorrow when you go with Naomi, so would you like to go shopping? I can take you, if you would like?” he was so kind, and I wished he was good.
Like really good. I mean, I wish he hadn’t been thrust into this lifestyle, he was too good for it, too good to be being nice to me.
I mean, for dinner we had gone to pick it up, and he told me his mum was an artist and his dad was an english teacher, and he often wishes he had picked it up, but he got involved with the wrong crowd, and I sighed at the similarities with my life. - He’d even been in love and had his heart broken.
He was sweet, kind, and I couldn’t imagine him ever doing wrong, even with his devil like smirk , I couldn’t imagine it.
“That would be really nice, Alfie, thank you” I grin, and lean back into the couch, and he lingered for a moment like there was something unspoken he wished to say. “You can talk you know?” I smile, and he nods laughing.
“I was just wondering… Could you tell me how you got your scars?” he asked me, “I don’t have any, the gang has never really got that many fights whilst I have been here” he spoke, Alfie was about 18, thought I was just 19 I felt years and years older.
“How long have you been in this gang?” I ask him.
“Only a year or so” he told me.
“Then there is plenty of time for fights” I smirk, “But sure, which one would you like know about, I have a few” I say.
I pull back the blanket from me, and reveal the legs that have memories embedded into them. “That one” he spoke, and traced his fingertips over the bullet wound I had gained on my thigh.
“I got shot, er… It was by Steve, you’ve met him I take it?” I ask, and he nodded quickly, “Yeah, we’ve had out fair share of disagreements” a chuckle escapes his lips.
“That one?” he asked, seeing a large line peeking out from the top of my shorts onto my stomach, that my short T-Shirt doesn’t quite cover, I touch it quickly, and I move so I am sat on my legs, and knelt beside him on the couch.
“My brother, he stabbed after him and some of his ‘friends’ set fire to a building I was in, he gave me matching” I pull up my shirt a little more, and show him them both. “We are okay now, but I don’t see him much, that night he set the fire, I almost died in the arms of a boy… he’s a little be like you actually, and I was engaged to him for a little while too” I spoke, and his eyes widen.
“That’s Harry isn’t it? He came here for a while, Dominic told him he had to come here, and that is where everyone said he was just like me” he gave an impish grin.
“That’s something to be proud of, Harry’s a good person, perhaps the best one I have ever met” I say, he nods.
“Even better than Zayn?” he asked, I gulped and look away from him, the sudden comfort and rush of happiness I felt sharing my scars, and reliving the blood rushing memories, was gone at the mention of his name. I pull the blanket over myself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, it’s just, I heard you loved them both”
His words hurt me, because they were so true.
“It’s hard, loving two people, I don’t recommend it” I snap, and I am shocked at my harsh words to the sweet boy.
“I’m sorry” he stood up, but then I was frightened and I quickly turn and grab his arm.
“Please, stay?” I mentally groan at my desperation not to be left on my own, “I mean, I just get a little sensitive about all that stuff, you don’t have to be sorry” I soften my expression, and he does too, sitting back down I go of his arm.
“So what about that one?” he smiles and touches the skin on my arm, and we are fine again, the brief moment of uncertainty has disappeared, and he asking again, and that familiar rush of reliving everything washes over me and I do nothing but smile as he listens intently, taking in what each meant.
He frowns, and winces as I tell him the excruciating detail.
“Wow, I have some catching up to do” he grins.
“I mean, I know they aren’t pretty, and I… Zayn used to remind that he still thought I was beautiful with them, and sometimes I needed that, but looking back, I wouldn’t change any of these, I mean, they made me what I am, they each have a story and build up a part of me, and I love my story, as many twists, turns and tears it had, I think it’s a pretty good story” I tell him.
“It’s a fantastic story” Alfie flushes.
As we still laugh at some of my stories, the door opens, and warm air hits us, as we have been sat in whats like a cool box for a while now.
“Are you two going to sit out here all night?” Ashton poked his head around the corner, and I smiled at him, as he walked into the room and sat with us, “I never actually sat in here before” he looks around the white room, with a clear roof.
“You are more than welcome to join us” I tell him, and he shakes his head.
“It’s been a long day, I am going to go to bed. I just came to tell you, Ricky is going to be here for tomorrows drug bust, he wants to see you in action” Ashton spoke, and suddenly the past two hours with Alfie were irrelevant, everything depended on tomorrow.
Zayn’s life. The boys life. Harry’s contract. Everything depended on me not fucking it up.
“Oh, really?” and he laughs at me, and nudges me.
“Don’t worry, just go with it, I heard that’s what you do anyway” he smirked at me, and patted Alfie on the back, giving him a nod saying goodnight. “Goodnight” he disappears, almost as quickly as he walked in.
“This boss doesn’t come down often, I imagine he will be down a lot more seeing as you are here” he tells me, and I laugh unsure. “Don’t worry, he isn’t a bad guy” he nudged me, and I offer him a warm smile, for him trying to make it easier.
“I think I might go to bed” I tell him and stand up, realising the day has been long and its now 10pm, and where Zayn is it will be 3am, I also come to the conclusion that he isn’t going to text or call me. “You know, be ready to impress tomorrow” I smile at him, and he laughed amused by me.
“I will see you tomorrow, bright and early” he told me, and walked out of the room stopping at the door, and turning around to meet my eyes, with the same hope and freeness that Harry’s once held - Now he is holding a different kind of Hope, my subconscious adds, and it hurts a little bit. - “I’m glad you are here, Brook” he told me.
“You are?” I shift a little to look at him, he simply nods, and smirks to the floor.
“Things might just get a little more exciting now” he grins before leaving the cold conversation, taking what warmth was in here, with him.
As he leave, I look to my phone once more, before shutting it off, letting that annoying voice shut down with it, there was no point waiting, it had been a while since me and Zayn had texted each other every night, I couldn’t actually remember a time when ever did things like that.
A time when we went on dates, - One date, when we first met, and I tried to run away didn’t really count - or a time when we stayed up late on the phone, begging the other person to hang up, because we were always together anyway, when we would text a thinking of you text, none of it, we didn’t do the getting to know you part of the relationship, because we didn’t need to, he loved me and I loved him, it was a simple as that.
Maybe if had of done that, the getting to know you, and slept away from each other, craved each other more because we slowed things down, things would be different.
But with Zayn, things were never slow, things were always moving quickly, one minute I could give him my everything, and then have him break my heart into thousands of little diamonds, that somehow he would glue back together, and in this whirlwind, which we were living in, I never knew what would happened next, and I liked it.
And though a lot of the time, it hurt, it was worth, and sure I wish I had took things a little slower, I wish I hadn’t loved him that much, that fast, but loving him was the best mistake that I ever made, and if it is classed as a mistake, then I don’t want to know what the right thing would been.
I don’t want to know what it is like to love Zayn slowly, and have that burn inside of you, and having to wait, because it was so beautiful loving him, and to be loved by it, it was a kind of desire that I wish everyone had, to be loved by him? The feelings of loving him hit you hard and fast, and it doesn’t hurt that much, the only part that hurts is hurting him, and letting him down, and even when he would yell, it would only make you love him more, because when he was angry, he wasn’t angry at you, he was angry at him self for thinking he didn’t love you enough, and it made me adore him more.
All the thoughts of Zayn thrash around in my head, and pang on that echoing whole in my heart, and I miss him more than I ever have before, thousands of miles lie between us. And all I want is for him to scoop me up in his arms, and lie with me, feel his lips against my skin, and remember what its like to love and be loved by him, because only he can make me feel that burning feeling in the pit of my stomach, only he can heal the scars, and only he can make me want him with out even trying.
I sigh and feel sadder than I ever have done before, knowing he isn’t going to take me back easily, and that nerves my stomach, not being with him again.
It does more than anything ever had, any gun shot, any knife, any cruel words. It doesn’t hurt like they do. The thought of not being beside him again, it destroys me in only a way he can.
I missed her.
Though she had kissed Liam, and fucked Liam - keeping it all a secret from me - I didn’t care. I missed her, and I hated myself for it.
I hated myself for adoring the girl that would always hold my heart, and break it. I don’t want her to spare my feelings, or to lie to me, I want her to tell me what she wants from me, to tell me what more I can do, to give her look that she looks for else where.
I missed her, and it was killing me her being a thousand miles away, not being able to yell at her right now made my head explode. I wanted to scream at her and tell her I hated her (again), Tell her that she is on her last chance with me, she shouldn’t of lied to me, and that I was going to remember this.
Then I remember myself, none of that would happen, because I would look into her eyes, and all the anger, and madness would flood away, and I would want to hold her and make her love me more.
As I sit in the park looking at the little tree growing behind our baby’s wooden plank, I think - once again- about how different our lives could of been.
Charley would be nearly reaching her second birthday, and we would be in a house far away from here. Brook, she would wear nice dresses, and sweet red lipstick. I’d of gotten a normal job, maybe as an accountant, I had always been good with money. I would come home and kiss the lipstick from her lips, and pick up Charley, and adore her more each time I looked at her.
Imagined her eyes being like Brook’s, and getting lost in the innocent face she had, as she tapped me for me to play with her, and after she had fallen asleep, me and Brook would sit outside, and we would have a furnace, roaring in the night time, and my arm would hang low around her waist, and I would kiss her and a great fondness would show on her soft face, and I’d tell her I loved her each night as we looked out at the stars, or be it summer - the sunset.
But that was just a dream. - A beautiful dream that I would never share with Brook, a dream where Charley wasn’t there.
Because in this life, you can’t get out of it. I couldn’t run away with Brook, no matter how much I wanted to, for two main reasons.
One, this world had some sick and twisted plan for ever fucker on it, and once you’ve been throw in with the wolves, you can’t exactly get back up. - The gang of mine, being the wolves, and I couldn’t get out.
Two, I wasn’t even sure if I would be able to run away with Brook. Brook, might of changed so much when she returns that I don’t know her face, or the touch her skin is foreign, so much so, that I couldn’t possibly love her, or worse, she realised she couldn’t love me.
Even though Charley wasn’t here, I wanted her to know that her mum and dad loved her, and some how I wanted her to think we were still together, that we were strong, because I like to imagine that is how she would of been.
I wanted her to know we love each other, and that though daddy cried, and mummy probably sobbed, that we loved her, and that each day we wanted each other more, that is just got harder to tell each other that.
I wanted her to still have a whole family, because I didn’t, and neither did Brook. I wanted her to know that we were her family, and we may of been apart, but she had us, and we were a family. - No matter how destroyed we were.
Three missed calls from Liam, told me it was time to go back, I plant a gentle kiss on my fingertips and sent it to Charley.
I didn’t know what to say to Liam, I don’t think I had anything to say. I wasn’t even mad anymore, because all those months ago are when things were easy. - She was alone, and so was I. I did things I wish I didn’t too. - The only difference is I though she was dead.
The other week, she was hyped up on medication, so I wanted to give her that excuse, but at the end of the day, she knew what she was doing, but there was always going to be a need to defend her.
I wanted to be mad at Harry thought, so that’s what I was going to do, yell at him, for not telling me, for being my best friend and keep such a secret. - Yell until I couldn’t anymore.
Hands up if Zayn just assaulted your heart?! COMMENT LY.