I woke up sprawled across the bed. Harry lay the opposite way so my feet were near his head, well, they would of been if he wasn’t so huge. I hadn’t called Zayn. I wasn’t sure if he would be the right state to talk to me.
I rolled over, and saw I had two missed phone calls from Daniel. I had been to all of my meetings, but I had missed one flying out to here.
“Hello, Daniel?” I ask him.
“Brook? Hey. Where were you?” he asked me, with a tired voice.
“Shit, sorry, I forget about the time difference. I’m in Vegas” I tell him.
“What? Brook… You’re… Wait, is that why you didn’t show?” he asks, and I hum a little yes. “Well, I have had some patients Brook, but never some one quiet as extraordinary as you” he told me, and let out a chuckle.
“I will let you, sorry to have woken you up” I tell him, and he smiles through the phone.
“I can do your session over the phone now if you want?” he suggested, “A quick ten minutes isn’t doing anyone any harm” he told me.
I stand up, removing myself from Harry’s ear shot, and sit outside on the patio, closing the door behind me.
“So, Why are you in Vegas?” he asks, his voice is low and torn.
“Well, I am hiding from a man who wants to give me to some kind of gang” I tell him.
“Brook, try to be civil with me, I love a joke as much as the next guy, but its 4am here” he told me.
“Sorry” I laugh, some people can’t see the truth, “I am away with my friend, we thought it would help clear my head” I say.
“Have you had a drink?” he asks.
“No, not a drop since we got here, I don’t know, I like the air out here. It’s clean, it lets me breath it with out causing chaos in my lungs” I say.
“Maybe, I should recommend Vegas to all my patients” he told me, smiling again, the warm heating up my ear.
“You should. It’s nice” I tell him.
“Brook, I want you to do something for me, for when I next see you. I want you write something you’ve not told anyone” he told me.
“What for?” I ask.
“I just… Can you do it for me… and I don’t mean, sunny days and walks in the forest. I mean, really love, like a person, or a feeling, or a memory, or a hatred” he told me.
“Okay” I say.
“Will you make sure you turn up to our next meeting?” he asked me, and I hummed a yes. “Good” he responded. “Anything you want to tell me, that I can help you with?” he asked.
I was tempted to tell him of Zayn. Tell him of Liam. And now of Harry. That the more they threw their love at me, the more I could feel myself, drawing further and further into myself. That the world was spinning to fast, and all I wanted to do was jump of it falling into my own oblivion, but I didn’t. “No, nothing new to report” I say.
“Good, and I hope everything goes well with that wonderful lie you told me, of you and the gang” he seemed to smirk.
“Oh I am sure it will all go swimmingly well” I say.
“I will see you soon” he spoke, and hung up the phone. I smile and place the phone down on the small black table. I look out and see the sun high in the sky, and the streets have no one walking them, and they look lonely.
I heard movement from inside, and I turn to see Harry walking around shirtless, his tattoos shining. Going inside, I stop and lean against the balcony door. “You know… you never did tell me what all those drawings on you meant” I smirk and take a step in, he turned to look at me in wonder, and then checked himself.
“Oh, the tattoos… I never did, did I?” he looked to me, and I shook my head. “How long have you been out there, talking to Zayn?” he asked me.
“No, Daniel called, asking why I missed my appointment” I say, and walk further in, and Harry smiles at me, and looks down with a smirk.
“What was that in aid of?’ I ask, and sit down on the bed with my legs hanging down, not touching the floor.
“Do you ever look at someone, Brook, and just realise despite all the bad things that they have done, and had done them, they can still be the most beautiful person in the world?” he asked me, and and smile looking down.
Letting the smile fade, as I did know what that was like. Zayn. Zayn was the most beautiful person inside and out, after everything bad that the world had given him, a dad who didn’t really love him, and friends that betrayed him, and a girl that always found away to throw everything back in his face? Then, the bet, the lies, the cheating, and pain, he caused me, and everyone around him. Well, that was what it was like. I knew bad things had happened, and he felt pain and trouble like no other, yet somehow, he was still beautiful.
“Yeah, I do look at someone that way” I spoke.
“It’s the way I look at you” he told me.
“It’s the way I look at Zayn” I tell him, and he bites his lip and nods slowly, before turning away. “I like that you look at me that way though, if that is anything?” I say.
“I don’t want pity, Brook. That’s all I have ever had for loving you, so keep it. I am okay” he forced his lips to curved.
“If you’re sure” I tell him, and he nods.
“I am sure” he tells me. “I am happy we came here, Brook. Happy we got one final time together” he spoke.
“Final?” I ask, sadness filling my empty soul.
“Yeah, I am still going to move out when we get back home, It isn’t right, us feeling this way, and hurting ourselves, and the people around us, for what we both know isn’t love it, its just some kind of miscommunicated lust, that we have mistaken for so much more” he told me.
“But it shouldn’t hurt this much, should it? If it was only lust” I say.
“It may hurt, but sometimes even the worst choices bring us to the right places, and we made it this far didn’t we?” he asked, and I nodded smiling.
“Yeah, we did” I told him.
I went to the bed, as Harry went for a shower, and on the back of a hotel manual guide, and ripped off the three notes pages at the back. I wrote what he had told me, what Daniel wanted to hear. And exactly what I needed to hear.
I don’t know how I got here. How it got to so many affairs. How I loved two of them. How having both of them suddenly made it so much harder to breath. Like I had been handed a gun, told to choose one to save and one two shoot, and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t have one live with out me, and the other one with me. I thought I was happy before, being with Zayn, loving his sweet tender lips on mine, treasuring how he smiled when I laughed, missing him when he wasn’t there, loving the danger he brought along side him, the way he would protect me against the creatures that wanted to drown me. Then one beautiful, perfect mistake. I kissed Harry, and Adrenaline ran through me, danger had my number and wouldn’t quit calling and it was those seven little words he uttered against my lips, “Baby, take a walk on the wild side”, That just ruined everything. The words he had told me countless times as we wandered the streets of America. The way his hands could love me, and make me feel almost whole. Love me like I had never been hurt. But then the guilt came, like an ache rolled through my veins, like everything running through me was black, and dark. A little bit like that. I knew none of it would last forever, I know even now I can’t live with out either one, and I know they can’t love me forever. I know they are going to move on, and I am going to be left in the middle of a barren waste land with nothing but scars and memories, and it’s going to hurt, as it all becomes a fading mirage of what could been, and what was. And I was scared, scared of never feeling anything again, but I had to be okay for them to be. I was going to be broken and beaten down for a long time, and it’s what I deserved for breaking my own heart, they didn’t, they deserved love, and everything that came with it, not tears and shattered dreams, so much more, so that’s what they would get, when they were done saving me. That’s exactly what I wanted to give them.
“So you want to do anything today?” Harry asked coming out of the bathroom with a smile on his lips, I shook my head, and folded up the piece of paper.
“You can go and get some food if you want, bring it back, and we can call home, and watch something?” I suggest, and he smiled and nodded.
“Not feeling up to it today? Homesick?” he asked me, and I nod lying.
I wasn’t homesick. I was sick of everything else. I was going to go, I had to get him out of the room. So I could get my things and leave. Save myself for a change, give myself over. Get the first flight back, go to Ricky. Let him take me. Let him ruin me the way I had been ruined before. Then they wouldn’t have anything to save.
They would be free from me. - I’d be on a flight by 6pm.
I sat on the bed. I had lay away all night, spending the day in my own world. Listening to people spoke, but forgetting them moments later.
It was 7am now. It would be 3pm in Vegas. I could call her, I could pour my heart out to her. Or I could simply as how she was. I would figure it out when I got there.
I’d wait. I would wait a few hour, until it was later over there, she could then sleep on what I speak. I had thought about calling Harry, but words still rolled around in my head, doubting my own feelings had never been something I had experienced, I had always known what I wanted.
So why didn’t I know if I wanted her?
If there was one thing I had always been sure about it was her.
“Man, are you going to mope about all day again?” Liam stuck his head around the corner of my door, “If this is about missing, Brook. You’ll get over it” he told me, a little brutally. He wouldn’t of said it if heard the cruel things I was thinking far too loudly.
“I wish it was that simple” I spoke.
As he left, Flo watched him walk away as she stepped into my room. “And if you’ve come to lecture me, I don’t want to fucking hear it” I snarl at her, the girl who seemed to be pushing Brook away from us all.
“Why would I want to lecture you about her, I don’t even like her?” The way she spoke about her made me sick, the way she judged her for her actions, and not who she really was. She judged her for the monster we had turned her into.
I took her light, and she took my darkness. Which wasn’t a fair trade at all.
“She really isn’t any fun to you anymore, is she?” she spoke, and I looked over to her, in her shorts, which showed her thin tanned un scarred legs, and her tight shirt, that highlights her chest. “I want a little fun, Zayn… and Jason? He isn’t any fun anymore” she told me, walking a little closer. Then she stopped, and turned around closing the door, and turning the lock on the door.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I snap, but stay quiet.
“Come on Zayn, I’ve seen you staring at me, and you don’t want to because you’re so madly in love with Brook, but I know that look you are giving me, you want me” she smirked, and I gulped, as she pulled her shirt over her head.
I looked away, “Don’t” I warn her.
“Think of the things we could do locked alone in this room Zayn” she smirked.
I stood up, and handed her her shirt. “Get out, you don’t anything about me and Brook” I spoke.
“Oh I know more about her than you do” she raised her eyebrows, and I turn to her slowly. “Yeah, I know a lot of things she hasn’t told you Zayn… things you couldn’t even dream up” she told me.
“Fuck off, you’re just trying to mess with my head, well it’s not going to work” I tell her.
“I wouldn’t do that, I am many things Zayn. But I don’t lie… I think you’re a good guy Zayn, you’ve just got the wrong girl… she won’t tell you, she is scared you’ll realise how much of a fuck up she is-..” I cut her off.
“Don’t talk about her like that”
“I won’t. But you should ask Liam what happened with that all those months ago…” she paused, and pulled her shirt over herself, and turned around after unlocking the door. “And a couple of weeks ago under this very roof” she told me, seething as she left.
I looked down. Liam? Months ago with Liam. When she was dead? So many questions rang loud in my mind, making me feel more, and more, and I could feel it building up. I couldn’t do it.
I braced myself to go and see Liam. I stopped though, showering, and taking away the memories of today.
I stood in my bedroom, and Liam walked passed. “Oi” I shout, but get cut of my phone ringing loudly, and I see Harry’s name is bright on my screen.
Liam still was into the room.
“Harry you’re shit for timing man” I say, and sigh as Liam looks at me with a frown. “What do you want?” I asked, and I nod for Liam to wait.
“Zayn, Brook’s gone” he said out of breath.
“Gone? Harry, what do you mean by gone?” I turn, and it doesn’t take Liam much time to figure out who has gone.
“Brook, she left, something about saving herself, she left a note, she wanted us to be normal, and move n with out her, so she’s gone to sort this mess out her self, she hasn’t told me where she has gone, just that we shouldn’t come looking for her” he spoke.
“I told you not to let her out of your fucking sight!” I yell, and pace the floor.
“I was gone no more than half an hour, she had this planned Zayn, she may of seemed sad to leave, but didn’t it ever occur to you, why she looked so upset the day we left? Because she knew it was a goodbye” he told me.
“Shit, well we have to find her” I say. “Liam, call her phone” I order him, and he nodded, after hearing what was going on, through the phone.
“I’ve tried, she won’t answer” he told me.
“We can’t let her do this” I whispered, “She doesn’t understand that we want her does she?” I ask him, and he sighed, “She doesn’t understand we all this shit because love her” I say, and think about last night, all the hurtful things I said about her.
If this was living with out her, then I didn’t want to. The mere idea of now really not being able to touch her silk, milk like skin, or her cascading locks of brown and blonde hair. It scared me, it scared me more than anything else, every had. Loosing her scared me.
I sat on the plane, and my head phones were in. I looked around, as everyone slept. My phone rang, loud, but it didn’t stop the happy holiday makers from sleeping. It was Liam.
I hadn’t answered Harry. By now he would of told Zayn, and Zayn hadn’t tried to call. So Liam was his second in command. I answered it.
“Hey” I whispered.
“You’re causing quiet the stir and you aren’t even here” he told me, his voice low and dominating as usual.
“I’m sorry” I say.
“Why don’t you just come home, Brook. If this about saving yourself, don’t. We can save you, you’re not going to get hurt in all of this, because our past” I blink away tears as he speaks.
“I know, but it’s my past too Liam. I want you to be free of this curse, that I brought along with me. Not many things have gone right in my life Liam, nothing had really, expect for you five boys that after everything, still manage to say that you love me” I tell him.
“It’s about time I fight my own battles, and not hide being the army” I heard his breathing get heavier, and sadder. Like a could had been thrust upon him.
“We can’t loose you, Brook” he spoke.
“You’re not loosing me. I am sorting out a problem, and I am not going to come back after it. You can go and get married and have children, Zayn can meet a better girl who isn’t going be a slut and fuck his friends, Harry can love Hope with no guilt attached me, do you see what I am saying, Liam? Everything is going to work out better with out me there” I tell him.
“Why can’t you just be dead again, Brook? Darling, things were so much easier then” he tells me, and I can hear the tears in his voice.
“When have we ever done easy?” I ask.
“At least tell us where you are going, so we know what to expect” begging didn’t suit Liam, and he didn’t do it often, so I must of been scaring him.
“Goodbye, Liam” I hang up the phone, and take out the battery, snap the sim card in half, and place everything in a bin that is going passed on the trolley.
Saying goodbye was hard, but it was the flashbacks that hurt.
Shit. The. Bed. Brook is leaving to sort all this out on her own. 5sos fans should be excited, Ashton is about to get some serious airtime in this fanfic. Love you all. COMMENT AND FAVOURITE!!
and I hope you all had a wonderful christmas, and have a happy new year :) x