We had reached the top of the stairs to Ricky’s office, Harry bolted through the door like lightening in a field. “Where is she?” he stormed in all guns blazing.
“Who?” Ricky stood up from his chair.
“Harry” Liam warned him touching his arm, and his eyes were red, with vengeance. “Cool it” he told him, and Harry shook him off.
“Brook? Brook, where is she?” Harry repeated, his heart rate beating faster than my own.
“Oh, Brook. You just missed her, we had a drink, and a catch up, she’s doing really well” Ricky nodded, and I shook my head stepping forward.
“I don’t want any of your bullshit, Ricky. Just tell us where she is” I square up to him, feeling my own heart rate climb up with Harry’s.
“Like I said, you just missed her. She is going to pick up her things, and then she is going to be on a plane for the next few hours, don’t worry, she made a deal with me though” Ricky spoke, sitting back in his chair, with a glass in his hand. “Sorry, where are my manners, do you want one?” he asked raising a glass.
“No” I say, “What deal did she make?” I spoke.
“She had a gun with her” he began, and I couldn’t help but think ‘that’s my girl’. “She told me, she would shoot me, so she said she’d come with me, give me the gun, all clean no hassle, if I promised to leave you alone, all of you, Harry you no longer work for me, thanks to Brook, she did everyone here a favour. I have no hard feelings with any of you” he spoke.
“She is such an idiot” Liam groaned.
“Isn’t this a good thing, no more bad blood, she is sorting out, everyone wins?” Perrie spoke, and Ricky nodded in agreement.
“You can have her back once we are done with her” Ricky spoke, “She knows the plan, I told her that before the deal was made, she was fine with it”
“Even the sex trafficking part” Harry seethed.
“Oh that, I know I am a sick bastard, but please, give me some credit, I want her working for me, not as some play thing” he spoke. “I had to throw you guys off my trail somehow, all the information you got was fake” he told me.
“No, bullshit” I shook my head.
“What don’t want to believe your daddy double crossed you?” Ricky stood up, “I don’t lie Zayn. You trusted him because Brook did, and you took everything he said to heart, I wouldn’t hurt her like that, I am good guy” he smirked.
“Fuck off, you a good guy?” Liam snapped.
“Look, I will tell you what I told her, I don’t have many rules. I will keep to my word, I won’t touch you boys, and Harry you don’t work for me anymore. But if you make her double cross me, and lie to me, I won’t be responsible for what happens to you, or her” he spoke.
“Let’s get out of here” Louis spoke from the back of the room, “We can’t do anything more” he told us.
“Louis, this bastard has Brook!” Harry yelled.
“She’s made her choice” I pipe up, and look to the floor. My mind reeling from loosing her, letting my fathers lies creep into my head, Everything had beaten me, and I wanted to hide away for a few days.
“You’re just going to give up?” Liam gasped, and frowned at me.
“If she wants us to stay away, so she can try and play the hero, that’s fine, we know she can do it, and if he is as honest of a man as he says, he isn’t going to hurt her, she’s paying for my mistake, and I know that’s wrong, but she thinks she is helping, let her think that” I spoke.
Niall stood behind me, and I turn to him, and am reminded of the conversation we had that night Brook left with Harry and had started this whole thing. Niall nodded remembering too, and I turn back around, “For now, we let go” I say, turn and leave the room.
I often wondered how you said goodbye to something you knew you couldn’t live without. I mean, many of the goodbyes I had, had never really were goodbyes. I had one try goodbye, which was the one with James, in which we didn’t even utter the words goodbye.
I mean goodbye is meant to be about loosing that person that made you feel so many different things. The first that should run through head after one should be if you run faster enough, you might catch up, but you never do catch them.
That’s what a goodbye is.
“You look like you are thinking hard about something there” Ashton spoke, with his arms folded across his chest.
“I am” I shuffle in my seat, “I often do it, think about things, things that shouldn’t really bother me. Irrelevant details that make no sense or often shouldn’t require thought at all” I explain.
“Well, I hope you figure out what it is you’re trying too” he smiled, warmly at me.
We had a long flight ahead of us, and it was only fair that if I was going to be with him for a while, that we shared our stories. I told him everything that was living and fighting in my memory. “Please try not to judge me to harshly” is what I began with, “I don’t know how three of them loved me” he listened to every word, “And I hated myself” like every sentence had him pulled further and further into me.
“Wow” he took in a breath, shaking his head. “I got told you were tough, but I had no idea” he spoke.
“I am not tough, its a matter of deception, I may seem strong, but I break” I tell him, the words I had told so many people, so many times.
I asked about him then. He began with, “I’m a lot more boring” and I laughed. He told me he wanted to be a writer, he often considered being a poet, but his dad was in a gang, and so was Ricky, so he followed suit, no money, no connections in the writing world, he stuck with what his family knew. “I’m not a bad guy, I mean, I couldn’t ever hurt someone if they hadn’t hurt me” he would tell me, and I wanted to tell him I was that way once, that you don’t ever think you could, but then a person enters your life and that all changes.
We spoke nonsense then. Knowing each other helped, he made me laugh as he imitated what he had done before, and he spoke in different tones of voice, and he smirked at me as I tried to remember the happy parts of my life.
As we spoke, something changed. When I looked into his eyes, that had a rather enticing quality, I had a thought. That I was going to like this boy. His mischievous smile, and rather odd hair, the nosies he would make, and how his laugh filled my ear drums, and took away the clouds over my mind.
“So, this Zayn guy, do you think he is ‘the one’” he smirked at me, and I look away from him, and out of the plane window with has a black sky.
“I used to think so, I use to think he’d always be my only, but then people changed, and lies and cheaters got involved, and we broke so many rules, and our hearts got crushed and we cut ourselves on the broken pieces, so as for him being ‘the one’, I don’t know” I say.
“I mean he doesn’t sound perfect” he began, and I turned to look at what this rather peculiar boy had to say. “But neither do you” I nod for him to continue. “You two sound like you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, cause you to think twice, and say those three words and mean them… hold onto him” he told me.
“You really are quiet the poet, aren’t you?” I say.
“I mean, he isn’t going to throw words of poetry at you, he probably not going to think about you every moment he wakes, but he sounds like he has given you a part of him, that he believes you can not break” he told me.
“Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t take more than he can give” I sighed as he spoke.
“I’ve done all three of those things” I pout, and he smiles softly at me.
“Then just smile when he makes you happy, and yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he isn’t there” he paused, and his eyes danced with my own, “Love hard when there is love to be had” he tells me.
“Love hard when there is love to be had” I repeat, “I like that” I smile at him.
I knew it now. I knew so much more than what I did before, and I knew the first thing I was going to when we landed, I was going to fix this. I was going do say all the words, and all the thoughts that should of been spoken long ago.
It was 11pm, and I was sat on my bed, with the lights turned off, and the curtains closed. No drink in my hand, just thoughts in my head, and believe me, a drink wouldn’t of solved this problem.
I heard laughter down stairs from Niall, Tiff and Louis. Perrie sat with Flo in what sounded like the kitchen, and they shared a glass of wine, laughing too. Liam had left the house, about three hours ago, not speaking a word to any of us, and Harry much like me sat in his room with the lights of, and did nothing but think.
A bright light from an unknown number lit up my screen, and I wasn’t going to answer it, but I did. “Hello?” my voice was dry and shattered.
“It’s me” the angelic like tone, brightened the dark room, but faded when I had remember that I agreed to let her go. “And, I am not meant to be calling you right now, but I don’t care, I don’t care about anything, I can’t tell you where I am or what I am doing but,-..” I stop her.
“Brook, wait-.” she stops me.
“Don’t, If I don’t sat this now, I am afraid I never will” she told me, and I sighed.
“I met someone today, and they told me something about us, that we aren’t perfect. I knew that, and so did you. But, I realised we aren’t meant to be perfect. I’m meant to screw up, and so are you, thats just how life is, and how we have always been. I also realised that I don’t tell you enough, that I love you. I love everything. I love the fights, the screaming, the tears, the bet, the lies, everything. I love it, because it’s part of what makes us, and thought it may hurt, I loved every minute of hurt, because it was with you, it was in your arms.” she paused, and I am glad she did, because this was breaking what little I had of a heart left, and soon enough, as she regained control over her own emotions, she continued.
“And truthfully Zayn, I have just had a long flight thinking of reasons I love you, and I could talk all day, and night and I would still have a million more things to say abut you. But too many words become meaningless, so you’re… you’re just the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I want to thank you for loving me. So what if we hurt and we get lost, somehow in this man world, we always find our way back to each other don’t we?” she spoke, and was slightly out of breath.
“I guess what I am trying to say is that, I am not sorry. I am not sorry I slept with Harry, or anyone else. I am not sorry that you placed a bet on me. That I almost married someone else. That you left me on our wedding day. That we made about three books worth of mistakes. I am not sorry, because I have loved every minute of it, every minute of loving you, hating you, wanting you, touching you, craving you, I have loved it all, and do you know why?” she asked me tenderly.
“Because it was you” I could feel her smile through the phone, for two years, I wanted those words, and it would of made everything better, we wouldn’t of ended up here, but now, though they meant so much to me, it felt so little. “Are you going to say anything?” she asked.
“Yeah” I sighed, and took in a breath.
“Sorry, have I just like…” she stopped, and I began.
“I don’t think we should do this anymore. At least not for now.” I spoke, and it killed me to say those words to her.
“Zayn, what do you mean?” she whispered, and I could already here it. The feelings in her voice.
“I mean, us. I can’t do it right now. You’re not here, and you aren’t well, and I don’t know, Brook, I can’t fight anymore” sighing, I stand up.
Her smooth voice waited a moment, “But, what about everything I just said” she croaked, and she was probably crying.
“Brook, I agree with everything you just said, and I love you, I love you more than anything in this world. I don’t regret anything. I am not sorry either, but I am sorry that we let it get to the point where we hated each other, I am sorry that every time I look at you I see you with your legs wrapped around one of my friends, I am sorry that we tried to hurt each other over such petty things, I am sorry that you took all my darkness away and made something good, because I took your light, didn’t I? Look at you now” I tell her.
“But… I love you” she cried.
“I remember a time you meant nothing to me. I wasn’t aware of such a fine creature to walk the earth, and now I have bags under my eyes, and I lay awake till 4am, and in a matter of seconds after I met you, you became my world, and now all we have is bitter sweet memories” I let a tear of my own fall on to my cheek.
“Please. I never loved anyone like you. I love you. Please, stay” she begged me.
“I want to” I cry now too, not caring because she deserved every single one of my tears, like the stars in the sky, she deserved so much more than what I gave her.
“Then why can’t you?” she sighed, crying, frustrated, hurt.
“Because for now, it’s time we moved on” I tell her.
“I know” I whispered.
“Can I still call you?” she asked crying.
“I don’t think you should, not for a while” I tell her.
“My friend told me, ‘Love hard where there is love to be had’, What happened? Did we not love enough?” she asked me.
“My dear, we loved to hard. We loved so much even god himself couldn’t handle what a perfect mess he had made, our love was written in the stars, and we should of been loving up there, for a greater purpose, we are merely specks on a flower, and we should of been a ring on saturn. But now we are like the sun and the moon, the darkness and the light, one of us must go so the other can live” I tell her.
“You can’t have a dark room with a light bulb” she spoke, and I laughed.
“That’s why I am going, so you can stay in the light, and I can go back in the dark where I belong” I told her.
“Promise me, when all of this over, you will go back to that pub where we first met with me. And we will order the same drinks, and wear the same the clothes” she sobbed, and struggled with her words, and I smile.
“I promise, because one day, I get that brook from that old bar back, the one who wore fucking shorts in January back, I am going to love her again, but this time, I am going to know how to handle a hurricane”
After a beat I spoke again.
“When you have done what you have to for Ricky, come home, come home and let us stop worrying about you, please?” I beg her.
“But we just-..”
“I don’t want reminding. I just want you home in a few months when you have figured out who you are going to be, and how you are going to handle yourself, and if you still love me then I am going to love you, even you don’t I will” I tell her.
“Then why did we need to break up?” she whimpered.
“So we can live with out our other half for a while, so we can be on our own, and be who we were, and then when we have figured it out fulling of who we want to be, then we can love, and we can be who we have to be” I tell her.
“I am going to hang up now” she told me, as she cried silently.
“Okay” I spoke.
“I-…” she paused on the heart wrenching words.
“And I love you too” I finish for her, and hang up.
Placing the phone down, and rolling over to her side of the bed, wrapping my arms around the pillow that smelt like her, and after 30 seconds of looking blankly at the wall, I cried. I cried for her. I hadn’t cried for anyone else, but her.
I cried. I sobbed. I am dead. I love that, I am sorry for you ZOOK lovers but man, my heart is aching. REMEMBER ITS A ZAYN FANFIC THOUGH!! —- Don’t hate me.
Love you all <3 x