This was not supposed to happen. He must be joking. He's just angry I thought. This is just another break that will last a day, maybe two. He always did this. But I was nervous this time...this time it felt different. Probably his mother. She had a tight grip on his life already and had always hated me. Or maybe I'd gone too far with my longing for commitment. I thought I was entitled somewhat to that since we'd been together for 2 1/2 years. And I had moved 1,000 miles away from home and everyone I knew to be with him. Just moving in together. I would've settled for that, but he'd shot that down. Something about his mom "cutting him off" if we lived together. Of course. Damn her. Regardless, I knew how much the "commitment talk" bothered him and I should have let it go. I was going to go see him, this I decided immediately. He had moved to a new apartment and I would simply ask to see it. Nothing more. A quick text and he agreed. I was gone in an instant; my heart full. He was just joking. He always did this.
I got to his new place and rang the doorbell, butterflies as intense as the day we first met. He opened it and half-smiled. That was weird, unusual for him. I followed him up the stairs and thought about if this was our place instead of his. Dammit! Knock it off. This is what's causing problems. You're causing problems. Do you want to push him away? He gave me the grand tour, but it felt forced. Dating for 2 1/2 years and he was treating me like someone he'd just met. Maybe he was just being cautious. He'd been prone to that behavior. We sat down on the futon, but he left a generous space between us. Fair enough. He was still angry. I made small talk and he seemed to loosen up. Good. This was good. Suddenly, the conversation stalled. I'd run out of small talk, or rather the anxiety of where we stood was eating away at me. So, I let it go. Asked the big question, the one that was on both of our minds (or at least mine). "So, we're okay...right?" I thought he'd laugh it off, maybe smile, and things would go back to normal. But he didn't. He sat, stone faced, and said nothing. Instead, he shook his head. When he did open his mouth, I heard nothing. My head was reeling with the realization that this time it was really over. How did this happen? He was my whole life, my whole world. I didn't move down here 6 months ago to be left alone. But in a way it made sense. Why he'd been feeling so distant from me. Why he'd been spending less and less time with me. Why he hadn't bothered to invite me over to see his new place. I bit back tears and looked at him, but I still could hear nothing. And then, the dam I had quickly built, broke. Tears flooded down my face. I was literally a mess and I knew it. Aside from a face full of tears, I could feel the snot running down my nose. Gross, but what was I going to do about it now. I didn't care. What I did care about was his response. He always teared up when I was crying. Always. But when I looked over at him, he was completely blank. Stony-faced. He didn't care; not that I was hurting, not that he had hurt me, not about me. That hurt more than anything else. And the pain engulfed me; the worst pain I had ever experienced. It felt like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest. There was nothing there now; just a huge, gaping hole of blackness, pain. I wiped my face on the sleeve of my sweatshirt and stood. "I need to go," I said. "Tiffany, I..." he began, but I cut him off. He wasn't really sorry. I didn't want to hear any empty apologies that were supposed to make me feel better. They would only cut deeper and serve as a reminder that at one point he did care. I stood in front of the stairs and turned to him. "Do me a favor?" I sobbed, "Push me down these stairs." I knew it sounded crazy, but it was true. I wanted him to do it; it'd probably do us both a favor. He'd be rid of me for good and I'd stop feeling this icy pain that I was sure would never leave. "Tiffany, really...let's not do this. Stop being so dramatic. I'm not going to push you down the stairs," he muttered. I sobbed even harder then because I really just didn't want to be in this world anymore. I didn't want any part of it and he wouldn't even do me the kindness of eliminating the pain he'd caused. I left then, in a hurry to get away from him. I had nowhere else to go, so I returned to my apartment.