Chewing On Bullets

I promised myself I'd never commit suicide unless it was with a gun. My family never owned a gun. I thought it would buy me some time in hopes that things will get better, but every nights the same. Every night I number the odds in my head, and I contemplate giving up. Every night I chew on bullets.

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1. Whore

I nearly break my door off its hinges in hopes to find some sort of soluitude, but that hope is short lived with Jane comes rushing in after me. "What's the big deal it never bugged you before?" She complaned with her hands on her hips and her many keys clinking together. Jane was only 14, but she already had a job at Vinni's Burgers and her drivers license. Jane made me look like a failed 16-year-old. "You shouldn't be mad at me." She said with her hand on her chest, and a sassy tone in her voice.

"No I have every right to be angry with you!" I burst. I could feel my voice lower to my chest creating a deep and maniacing tone. I turned to her with burning eyes, and finally gave in "I have every fucking right." I started slow. "When you fucking use me to entertain with your rich stuck up bitchy friends I have a right to be mad. When you point out my flaws to them to make yourself look good I have a good fucking right to be mad. When you bring up dark past of horrible shit that's happen to me to flaunt me around as a slut to your fucking "friends" I have a damn right to call you a heartless bitch." By the time I had spilled all these words it was like I was no longer in control. My face was so close to hers I could count how many blackheads she had.

Her blue eyes glared back at mine with an angry look. She clenched her jaw and replied, "It's not my fault you're a whore." I wasn't suprised to hear her say it. She's still only in 8th grade, and honeslty I don't think she understands how heavy those words are yet. Still, I wasn't thinking straight at the time. I didn't even hesitate in back handing her across the mouth. For a scrowny girl I could hit hard when I was angry.

When Jane pulled herself off the floor her face was red and her blue eyes were tearing up. My jaw was still clenched, and my hands had already formed a fist. By the look in her eyes I knew Jane would tell my family instantly without bothering to mention why I hit her. Hoping the situation won't get any worse I mummbled, "Leave." She slowly walked out of my room, and headed to the shed where my dad was.

"Whore?" I asked myself with a heavy sigh, "Am I really a whore?" I've only had sex with two guys, and both times I was dating them. Though, to one of them I was their own personal sex toy. How could I've been so fucking stupid? To just let someone use me up like that? It's no wonder she thinks I'm a whore.

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