Chewing On Bullets

I promised myself I'd never commit suicide unless it was with a gun. My family never owned a gun. I thought it would buy me some time in hopes that things will get better, but every nights the same. Every night I number the odds in my head, and I contemplate giving up. Every night I chew on bullets.


3. When it happened

It was Tuesday one the 18th of September when I saw him making out with her in my car. Only 9 days after our second year anniversary my boyfriend had his tongue down Sarah's throat. Yet, like an idiot teenage girl I was I stumbled back into the school and pretended I didn't see. "It didn't happen." I whispered to myself when I remember his hand in her shirt. "It didn't happen." I muttered when I saw him in between 6th and 7th period with her glittery lips stick still faint on her lips. "It didn't happen. It didn't happen. It didn't happen." My mind was a broken record until he smiled at me with his blue sea eyes lighting up, and he leaned down to give me a kiss with his sparkly lips. My hand flew out of his grip and smacked him hard on the face. I felt my heart stop and goose bumps appear on my arms. In that moment most of the students in the hall stopped and stared with dropped jaws. I, the pacifist, just smacked my boyfriend.

He stared at me with hurt in his eyes and his hand on his left cheek, "Why?" he asked crestfallen. I remember the words he whispered to me in 9th grade how many times he said "Other guys wouldn't give you a choice." every time I said no when he tore at my pants. I remember his threats "I could make you if I wanted to." or "Honestly I think I love Sarah more than you anyways." how he always said "No one even likes you." "You're lucky I'm even dating you." Then, something snapped. I remembered how many time he held me down on his bed despite how many times I told him no. I remembered I stopped answering after he stopped listening. I remembered soon enough he stopped asking.

I felt my jaw clench when I saw his light blue eyes stare so innocently as if he wasn't the same guy fucking Sarah Linen in my goddamn car. Next thing I knew I was on top of a guy three times my size punching his left cheek over and over again. Some students gasps and some girls cheered me on as I called him a cheater, a whore, an abuser, and finally the word slipped as I called him a "rapist pig." Some girls cheered even louder while some guys slipped away to class. I wouldn't get off him until two teachers pushed through the mob and pulled me away. My fist were covered in blood and his nose was broken and his eye was swollen shut. No one came to his aid accept the nurse. Not even Sarah Linen stopped.

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