1. I miss Tilly.
Its 3am and I cant sleep, not because I'm not tired but my brain just wont let me. I have to be awake by 6am in order to get ready for school and stuff but I don't feel like I have the energy to pull through. People sometimes think I am just a strong person that has the ability to carry on but its not really the case, being an insomniac is terrible and I honestly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I mean it literally affects the entirety of your whole life no matter how hard you try to pretend that it doesn't. I haven't slept in exactly 15days straight and at some point the lack of sleep begins to do things to your brain. You start hallucinating, daydreaming and just seeing things that are actually not there, you know things that don't exist. Sometimes that pays off because it takes you to a different realm, the other day I imagined what it felt like to have Tyler's arms wrapped around me, the comfort and safety his smell brought and I could almost feel it. It felt so real but then I came back to reality and when the realisation hit me I wept until my eyes were sore and I had no tears left.
I miss my Tilly, he was definitely the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time but we decided to take a mutual break because we both had problems of our own which we had to sort out. I agreed to us taking a break but I honestly wish we didn't, you know like I just want him to hold me and tell me I'm going to be okay. I want to lay across him while he's on Tumblr and just lay there happily because his presence provides me with a cocoon of safety like no other. Before I met him I used to think it was super cheesy when people said "Being in the arms of the one you love is one of the greatest feelings ever." but now I know why they say that because it honestly just gives you this happy place where all your troubles are gone and you just focus on the positive things.
Before we broke up about a month ago, his mum got diagnosed of cancer and when he heard the news he was broken. I remember just holding him whilst he broke down and sobbed for what seemed like years and with every tear drop my heart sank even deeper. When we went to his house, I greeted his mum and she gave me some sort of stare that scared me but didn't say anything at first and then when Tyler went upstairs to change she looked at me directly in the eyes and said "You need to leave my son alone, I don't have much longer to live so I don't want you taking him away from him. I don't want you distracting him for the little time we have left together so I would love if you didn't see him again." I knew his mother hasn't always been the biggest fan of our relationship simply because she thought I was too young for him but I didn't think she hated me that much. However, I had no choice. I mean you cant say no to a dying woman so that day when Tyler came downstairs I told him we had to talk so we went outside to their garden. We were holding hands and I remember he was drawing imaginary circles on my palm with his right thumb as he usually did whenever he held my hands and then I couldn't even look him in the face when I blurted out "we need to take a break."
Remembering the look on his face hurts, his face suddenly went blank and his hands went still and for a while everything was so quiet that I could hear the sound of his heartbeat pounding through his chest just willing to escape. He looked straight at me and said "But.. We're doing just fine babe.. Why? Did I do something. Please..." in a shaky voice I interrupted him and said "No Tilly, you didn't do anything wrong. I just think your mum needs all your time and attention right now." and at that moment his face began to go red with rage and the tears began to fall. I tried to walk away but stopped dead in my tracks when he said " What happened to I'll be by your side forever and always? Troye Sivan answer me! What the fuck happened to I will always love you and stand by your side when you need me. For Fucks sake I need you more now than I have I ever done." and then he started crying and his breath came out short bursts which terrified the fuck out of me because that only happened when he was having a panic attack, so I tried to calm him down and say "Tilly you need to keep breathing okay?" he didn't reply the first time so I got closer, held his face in my hands and then repeated myself and this time he said "okay". His breath gradually started coming back to normal and I explained to him that I still loved him and I was letting him focus on his mother because she needed his undivided attention and love whilst she was getting treatment and if the treatment didn't work then she'd need him even more. After about an hour of tears and loads of explanation he said he understood my point of view and then we hugged and that was it. He walked me to the car and I could see his mother's smile of victory as she stood by the front room window watching us.
When I got home that day I couldn't stop the tears because I felt as though I had lost a part of me that kept me stable and since then I have been pretty much a ball of shit. The first week after we separated it was so hard to control the urge to call him or text him, I couldn't stop refreshing his twitter and Tumblr page to see what was going on with him. I just needed to know that he was okay. I didn't leave my house for a week because I just didn't feel like there was anything worth going out for and the comfort of my house was the only thing that could come close to substituting for the comfort that Tyler's arms would have provided.
I mean what do you do when you cannot be with the one you love because the one that loves him most doesn't want you there?