My Story

This is about my life, basically, a long version of an About Me. It explains my life from when i remembered it. This may be upsetting or triggering to some. Just a warning: contains bullying, abuse, self-destruction, eating disorders and mental health issues. Yes, I am a girl with many issues! Also taken from my blogs at ©1Disawsum


1. Bullying-Physical, Mental and Everything In Between

People always say that you LET yourself be bullied, you let the bullies get to your head, but NO! That is NOT how bullying works. People who have never experienced being bullied don't know or understand the effects of being the victim, so what gives you the right to tell us or judge us on the way we react with bullying? Being a victim is the worst, you're victimised, alone, negatively criticised, hated on and pointed at, wherever you go. People take words differently, but either way, you don't let yourself be bullied.


I go to a girls school, but don't be fooled by girls- they can be vicious when they want to be. I've experienced all sorts of bullying by now- physical bullying, verbal bullying, alienation, a sub-set of bullying, sexual bullying/harassment and cyber-bullying. Yes, a lot, but not all of what I've gone through.


Now, it may seem extremely unlikely that I've been through everything listed above and more, but I have bruises, scars, stitches and X-rays to prove it.


Physical bullying is not the one that takes its toll on me. However, in saying that, I have been hospitalised more than I can recount now of instances of physical bullying. I've undergone many surgeries on my legs, spine, arms and head. I've been tripped down steep stairs at school, my head has been repeatedly smashed into metal lockers, and my body has taken many, many beatings in its lifetime of 14 years. Yes, from what I can remember, I've had to live this life for 14 years, and I have been bullied for 8-10 years. The other years, we'll get to it a little later as earlier mentioned.


Physical bullying has hurt my body, even punches leave a multi-coloured bruise. I have them everywhere, on my stomach, legs and arms, even my head. I've had things thrown at me, fists and legs punching me, and I've fallen over deliberately, yet strategically timed, feet, placed in front of my path.


Verbal bullying is harsh, words can kill you inside. Being called a sl*t, bitch, h*e, and other degrading words, for example, dumb, stupid, cray, mentally ill, ugly, idiot etc. do take its toll on me. People say words won't or don't hurt you. They do, and are just as harmful, if not more harmful, than physical bullying.


When I was first called that, my first real taste of being a victim of harsh words, I laughed it off, like they were just joking. But when other people joined in, and day in, day out, I was called those words, I started to really believe them, because if they didn't mean what they said, surely they would've stopped by now? After all, it was everyday they tormented me, until they began to see the changes in me.


I used to walk like I was proud of being myself, I used to fend off insults like I was a professional at it, but soon, everyone saw me as the girl with the hunched shoulders, the girl who never looked up at people, the girl with no life. I got scared.


I was scared that if I looked into anybody's eyes, the same would happen to me if I look into the bullies' eyes. I would get kicked, punched, and get called names. I was scared of even looking into teachers' eyes. I was scared of everything. Every corner, in and out of school, I would be paranoid about somebody hiding there, waiting for me to walk past so they could get their daily dose of 'fun'. Most of the time, i was correct. There really was someone there, in hiding.


I got scared of the dark, again, thinking someone was hiding in the dark, and at an unsuspecting time, I'd be hit and punched and bruised afterwards. I was scared of night time, but then, I became scared of daylight too. Night time because of darkness, no visibility, and I feel that I am more of a victim at night than daylight. Well, I felt. I realised soon after, that in the daylight, you are exposed, your secrets, revealed. 

Being gossiped about behind your back is not a pleasant feeling to feel, especially when things are taken to a whole new level. For instance, rumours. For a year and a bit, I've escaped being the subject of a rumour, but after that, I started noticing things. The writing on the back of every toilet door, has a conversation about me, pictures of me photo-shopped stuck everywhere around the school, people even started vandalising the school's property. Then began the destruction of everything that I owned, and then the alienation began.


Two years into bullying, I've been the subject of gossips and rumours. Everywhere I went and looked, I saw something related to me, all negative, as expected. But during all of this, I was included in a group for group work by some brave people who dared to go against the bullies. But then 2 years later, I was never included for anything, because the bullies have forced others not to talk to me or do anything with me, otherwise they'll be the next victim.


I was alienated. In class group work activities, the teacher had to force people to accept me into their group, but even then, after the teacher left, I was taunted by words, secret kicks and punches under the table. I had to pretend nothing was wrong the entire time. It was pure torture. So I took it upon myself, to tell the teacher I wanted to work alone. They grudgingly agreed, due to my high marks they said, but placed me in front of their desk, so I don't do anything I'm not supposed to.


For most people, they feel it as punishment, being placed in front of the class, but for me, it was the best idea. I was so wrong...  Leaders of bullies are always smart. They found out other ways of hurting me. This led on to become cyber-bullying. They tracked me down, found all of my usernames and the sites I go onto, everything.

Then, I was sexually assaulted by the bullies' male friends. At first, they wolf-whistled at me, then some started making hand motions, eyeing my parts, looking me up and down, and then smacking me on the bottom.


The next year, I was raped. Yes, raped. It was a group one, but luckily, I took no part in it, except being the victim. So no, I'm not a virgin. It's hard to speak about it, so I'm just going to leave it at here.


The bullying has not ended, but I suspect its had its peak last year, hopefully, nothing new will happen. living sand breathing itself is such a pain, but emotionally and physically, but I will hopefully be able to soldier on. Once I'm out of the bullying etc. zone, I know the scars will forever remain with me, and I can't say I'm happy with it at all, but I know I will learn to accept it. After all, it's never going to magically disappear forever. I've known that long enough.


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