The "behind-the-scenes" of the thoughts of wanting to be skinny. Is it really all that amazing to be as skinny as supermodels, to be able to see your bones, poking out from underneath your thin layer of skin? Is it all really that great to always feel icy cold, no matter how many layers of clothes you put on? Is it really all that superb to see your hair continuously falling out in clumps, every time you brush it? And when you don't brush it, is it attractive for everyone to see that you have a bird's nest on your head, because you don't shampoo your hair either? And is it really all that glamourous to look like a human walking stick, and have everyone avert their gaze, or direct their gaze, away/towards you? Is it all that AMAZING?
Anorexia is a well-known subject to talk about nowadays, there are many portrayals of anorexic people and their lifestyles etc., but what many people don't know is that their portrayals... well, they're correct, but they've only just touched the surface. There's so much more many people don't know, until they become anorexic as well.
One example? We have our own habits, which stem from our lifestyles and anorexia. We punish ourselves for eating when we're not meant to, and we do it, thinking it's for our own good and well-being. We have our own set of rules to follow through with, and our own quotes to keep us motivated.
Many people think it's easy not to eat food, as we haven't for so long, but the truth is, it's never easy to give up on an essential in life. Food is what gives us our energy, and we all crave for food. That's why I carry around a booklet of some quotes that make me repel against eating, and quotes for me to keep going on with this strictly no-eating diet. It's hard.
But I was quite flexible with my diet. Sometimes, I'd allow myself one bite, and only one bite, per meal. So in total, 3 small spoonfuls of whatever I decided to eat on that day, for the whole day. It's not easy, again, to having to force yourself to stop eating, because everything has its own challenges. I just thought I was brave enough to overcome the challenges.
I also exercised immensely. I exercised everyday until I could not do anymore. And then the next day, would be a repeat. The same thing. Exercise until I drop. Literally. I exercised until my legs and arms could not support my weight anymore, and I fell onto the floor. I had a treadmill at home hat I used everyday. I still have no muscles!
When I was fed, and being given one age appropriate meal after I was discovered to have anorexia, I couldn't stand to stare at the food, or eat it. Not even one bite. And you'd think that Id love to eat seeing as I craved it! But no, I think that your mind tricks you.
When there's no food, you want some. But when it's given to you freely, and it's bigger than what you usually used to consume, your mind immediately switches to the side where it says the meal has so and so ingredients, and thus this much calories, and you'd need to exercise for this many minutes or hours more to get rid of the extra unwanted fat etc. and on it goes.
How I got anorexia? Well, this stems from my abuse blog. I trained myself not to eat, but when I did manage to sneak in some food, I did eat it, but in precise amounts. I trained myself; one bite per day, so I did get my energy needs, but not so much that my stomach would grumble again when I became hungry.
It also stemmed from the bullying, and name-calling, teasing and tormenting. Mentally, I believed them, so I trained myself not to eat. From the day I believed them, my one bite per day relaxed diet was cut. I didn't eat AT ALL everyday from then on.
I'm improving slowly now, it's hard but I'm working on it. I still exercise everyday, but at regular intervals. I don't over-exercise anymore, which is a huge step in the right direction for me. I hope to be able to eat a regular, age appropriate meal by the end of this year, and so far, I'm doing OK to my standards, and the hospital staff are quite... surprised to say the least, from my improvements. Thanks dad! <3