• Shattered Souls •
• Chloe_123_x •
I like the fact that you start with the place and date for a third-person story. It helps a lot! Also HUZZAH! A male protagonist! I'll add that to my personal list.
Now let's give this a good read... Hmmmm.
Oh heavens this is confusing, but really really interesting. I have to talk about it.
The main character is male. We do not know his name, age or appearance, what we do know is that he is lured in by a bunch of visibly insalubrious creatures and accepts to become one of them.
Wow that was short but efficient. On to the CC we go!
The main character: We don't know anything about your MC, which is both a good and a bad thing. Good because it leaves more room for imagination (and it'l allow you to reveal what he looks like later on) Bad because, well, those who aren't willing to imagine won't want to read more. I, very personally, do like this and want to read more.
Your MC is visibly ageless... Or not. I'd say he's under 30 as the male voice in the beginning says that he's a 'child'.
There's no description, it is entirely your choice if you want to add one or not, but you could always lace in a physical thing in your writing.
The writing: Your method of writing is insanely confusing. You use big words for a really fast pace. You need to choose one or the other. Beautiful words (which you use magnificently though quickly) or a quick read.
Grammar, spelling mistakes and Typos: I'm stuck on the first sentence, I don't understand what you mean by 'He could feel the lure", but that might be because English isn't my first language. Other than that, everything seems fine to me!
I really liked this. I don't usually read fantasy, but this was interesting and, thanks to you, I discovered new words to add to my vocab! I'll follow the story now and award you with the KOALA TEA BADGE OF APPROVAL.
Terribly sorry for the short review, I have a long list and I'm trying to get things done quickly and efficiently... Also, there were very few flaws in your story, good job!
Yours truly, Emilie