The Chubby Girl's Original Reviews (Closed until I clear the waiting list!)

Hello everybody! Emilie here, I'm bored and I want to take a little break from Stripes, Checks and Polka-dots, so I'll be doing reviews! I'll be reviewing original stories only, not that I don't like fanfics, of course, but original stories need more love! ♥ Cover artwork by Ancalinar on deviantArt •

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2. Phoenix Arising- Evelyn Shadownight

• Phoenix Arising •

• Evelyn Shadownight •

 

Hm... Well. This is interesting. Allow me to give a blurb of my own for the readers to have a brief understanding of what we're dealing with here.

Hope is a young girl who looks radically different from the rest of her family. She has blonde hair with pruple streaks(???) and gorgeous blue and orange eyes while the rest of her family has dark hair and brown eyes. 
Her parents witness rather strange incidents involving birds when doing mundane things such as going to work and entering their office.
As a child, Hope is bullied on the playground because she's ugly and is somehow attacked by birds. She runs off to the toilet for safety but the girds follow her.
Anyway, that night she goes to bed and a beautiful woman calls her princess after entering her room and kissing her forehead. Then we get a flashback to a castle where a baby is stolen before we're brought back to the harsh reality. 
Hope wakes up and is told by birds to pack her bags and leave immediately.

 

Now we shall move on to the critique.

The main character: Goodness, what's going on with the name and the looks?

For the name, I'm guessing your character lives in Britain and comes from/was adopted by a middle-class family. Why would they have given her such a typically American name? If the story was happening somewhere in the Bible Belt, I would understand, but this is happening is what I'm guessing is England. A more classical name would certainly fit better.

As for her looks, I'm sorry, but there must always be logic, even in fantasy worlds. My main qualm is the fact that Hope has purple streaks in her hair. If her hair was just blonde, it would be fine in my opinion, the purple streaks are just too much. Same with the orange flecks in her eyes. Of course, everybody wants to create something beautiful with their work but we must always think: will the reader like this or will they think it's hard to understand? Will they think it's ridiculous? Will they think the character is too bland and put the book down? What you've described here is an emo girl's first OC. It's not a bad thing, per se, but it's a common mistake which can easily be changed.

All in all, I recommend you change the name (if it was given by the 'normal' family) and keep the blonde-hair-blue-eyes trope, but take away the special colours... You can always add them in later.

The writing: Starting with the character's physical description can be tricky. In this case, it was poorly executed. Giving your reader a block of a description to read with make them want to stop. Try lacing your description in with actions such as 'she ran a hand through her long blonde hair' or 'as she passed in front of the mirror, she came to face her blue eyes'. Other than that, everything looks fine... Except for the dream/flashback scene. You can leave that out and keep it for a later chapter. I honestly think a revelation like that should be kept for later.

Also the bullying scene seem a bit... Off. Children don't usually attack people randomly, just because they're ugly. They're much more vile than that. You might want to keep that in mind!

Grammar, spelling mistakes and Typos: I honestly didn't find any, good job on that! Keep that up!

 

All in all, I don't think this deserves the Koala Tea Badge BUT It's still a good story with a lot of potential! If you'd like any advice on anything else or thought my critique was too harsh, please feel free to drop a comment!

Thanks for dropping by!

Yours truly, Emilie

 

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