Best man speeches
I am going to give you a piece of advice. Whatever happens to you marry for love and wait for the right time. I seriously don’t feel comfortable being married at the age of twenty. Also don’t get pregnant before marriage. Hell, who am I to be saying that to you? I should be telling you to live a full life but then your parents might just want my head on a plate.
I joined Chris half an hour later after I was shoved into a white dress which was like my wedding dress but above my knee and a-line. Chris’s friend pounced on me.
‘How did your three weeks go without the puppy over here?’ They said. I smiled.
‘They went fine. I want you guys to meet my best friends Phoenix and Emily.’ I wove through the crowd trying to find them. I pulled Phoenix away from Jamie who was chatting to her. Emily was stood beside her.
‘Guys have you met um, these guys?’ I asked them Phoenix looked them over.
‘That one looks familiar. Like he followed me around for a month. Really creepy.’
‘We are Christopher’s best friends. I am Jacko, this is George, Fitch and Teddy.’ Said the tallest boy. He had jet black hair and grey eyes. They were nothing compared to Chris's. Taylor get with it. Phoenix pulled out Jamie from behind her.
‘This is my boyfriend Jamie Maylord. Taylor’s second cousin.’ Jamie stuck out his hand which was shaken very vigorously by Chris’s friends.
‘I am Leo de Lyon prince of France and Taylor’s best boyfriend.’
‘So Taylor how do you know these guys?’ Phoenix asked.
‘I don’t. They are Chris’s friends. Jacko was his best man.’ I said bluntly.
‘I haven’t seen your siblings yet.’ Phoenix said suddenly. I grinned and danced through the crowd again with Phoenix and Emily following.
Valentine and Cecily were sat by Vanessa. I picked up Valentine who tried to pull my hair.
‘This is Valentine. He is the oldest age three. And that is Cecily who is the youngest. Or it might be the other way around.’ Phoenix took Valentine which Emily scooped up Cecily.
Best man speeches were hilarious putting it lightly.
‘Okay people of this large royal family who hate each other. I am Jacko. I met Christopher what when he was eight? It was obvious he was different to everyone else in the Academy. He was small and looked slightly lost and confused. So we invited him over. And then we find out oh dear he is a bleeding Lord . Then we find out that he was once best buddies with the Princess. Now she is a coveted thing in that people want to guard. Anyway anyway. So we all went to this school where they taught us for half a day and then we would learn “other stuff” at the Academy. Anyway so they had an open science lab where you could go in and out and Fitch, who was always the good one maybe slightly dim witted and then would come out with a gem of why have people not walked on the sun yet, yeah so he nicked a huge block of potassium.’ He started laughing and pretended to wipe away his tears. ‘Sorry. One moment.’ Chris was bright red in the face at this point. ‘Anyway the school asked for it back like you know. Just hand it over anonymously and we will let this slide. Fitch panicked and gave it to Chris who was known as Two because he was so small but always first. So Chris shoves it down the toilet and runs away. Consequently he blew up the whole section of that school’ Everyone started laughing. I poked him in the side. Phoenix was the next one to stand up.
‘Now Taylor was, no sorry I correct myself, is the sassiest girl dog you will ever meet. I think Christopher has toned her down. So she was sat in class and we have the game “who can annoy the teacher the most”, as they do in our pretty crap school. Taylor with her little red head down and “working” starts singing. I know a song that will get on your nerves song. At the end of it she would get a bit louder. Nobody knew who was singing it as Taylor was always a good girl. Or so we thought. I guess she has the impact of someone you just want to kill. And trust me. She is dead billions of time over in my mind.’ There was another laugh. She raised a glass to Chris. ‘Good luck mate. If you ever need help on how to kill her I am always free. Booze is included in the price.’
‘I am George, Chris's awesome best mate. We were playing scrabble and we all knew Chris was up there in the world so we decided to make it interesting. Ten English pounds a point. Chris was awful at English and I was the one who was working hard and all so I expected to win. Which I did, by five hundred points. Which gets me up to five thousand, three hundred and sixty nine pounds. Chris paid me back a month later. He had gone around to all the banks near where we stayed and got the money is ten pence coins and poured them in my room. He had a car his beloved Mini which I believe he still has. We were what fourteen fifteen? Anyway so I found the money and Jacko sat on the table with his feet up screaming that it was Two and he did nothing. Anyway so I poured as much of the money as I could into his car. He had left me a post it saying “good game” and I gave him one saying “next time.” Chris I am still finding all that money in my room. I will get you back Chris. Trust me. Taylor hints and tips come to me.’
‘She is too clever for you George sit down!’ Phoenix shouted. Leo was next.
‘So I met Taylor what a year ago now not even that. I was playing the “My heart will go on” at eight in the morning. Someone shouted Jack. I shouted back Rose and ended up at her door. And we have been best buddies since. She had one amazingly stupid moment when she texted me while I was in Maths asking if I was bored. She came running in five minutes later scream “Troll in the dungeon! Troll in the dungeon. Thought you ought to know.’’ And then fainted. We got the rest of the day off. Taylor is amazingly fabulous and I would not have traded the last year of my life for anything in the world.’ He raised his glass to me when he sat down.
And up comes the parents. Titus stood up and cleared his throat my father stood next to him.
‘Now is the time I tell you all about the many girls Christopher has had over to stay but I won’t. I am here to pull up his most embarrassing baby photos.’
‘Taylor has many of these.’ There was a large collections of embarrassing photos from over the eons of us. Some together some not. The worst was when I was fourteen and we were at Nonna’s house in Sardinia. I was sat in front of three empty bottles and one half full of grappa. There was a glass of wine in front of me as well. Many more until he stopped on one of Chris who had just fallen into a large puddle which was actually a hole in the ground and me laughing hysterically beside him with Dylis and Jonathan and Hazel sniffing him.
‘This is a gem. I got it off the police when Valentine and Cecily was born.’ It was a picture of us going to the hospital. I was driving at one hundred miles per hour with my hands off the wheel behind my head and Chris panicking. That got many laughs. Leo was looking at me like I was a naughty sibling. I stuck out my tongue at him. We were more like siblings now.
‘They are perfect for eachother. She is too sensible and he is too reckless.’ Emily explained how much she thought Chris was a perfect gentleman, how he always was amazing manners and smiled all the time.
‘Damn I thought she was marrying Leo. Phoenix why did you not warn me. I take it all back. Chris is such a drama queen. I mean look.’ There was a picture of Chris who was stood in front of a muddy puddle covered in mud looking like he had been covered in blood and dog poo. There was also a picture of my papercut I got and Chris was so pale he could have been a ghost. ‘Taylor jumped over the puddle and he fell into it. Not the most graceful person I must admit.’ I stood us next. This was tradition the bride and groom give speeches as well.
‘Chris. You are a clueless about some girls as Leo. Still. The press had a field day when Chris and I faked getting engaged and they thought I was pregnant. The get the idea out of their head Chris foolishly taught me how to drive on of those golf buggies the gardeners use. So I managed to, to this day I still don’t know, to make it roll over like go on it’s roof roll over. Anyway it landed back on four wheels and I got up laughing. Chris was looking sick. I still have not told Sydney. Sorry. I know I am now married to you and I love you, sometimes, most of the time you are a great big bag of dicks. That is all I have to say.’
‘Love you lots too. Taylor is crazy. There is no way to describe it. We were racing home and she was driving her smart car and I was in my mini while stupidly playing text ping pong. So she said: where are you I am at home already. While I was like: I am home where are you? Back came the reply of the palace. I said: I am currently at the Baenziger Mannor. Both of us about ten miles from the palace. To which Taylor says: You are lying because Dad says nobody is there. I go: well I am pulling into the drive. I had to save a small ducking from being brutally murdered. She got home before me and was drinking some tea in the back garden while Manwell, her french tutor, was washing her car. A week later she told me she drove through eight fields to win. Like I said crazy. Then there was a time with that goat-’ There was too much laughter at me.
‘-That if you tell I will personally kill you.’ I said loudly. He sat down.
‘I love you too.’
We ate the amazing food that the cooks had made. The cake was HUGE! It could easily feed all of the guests and it did and it was good. It was five tiers high and to die for. Chocolate, victoria sponge, fruit cake, lemon drizzle and Madeira. And then the heavens forbid came that time. That time when we had to dance.
Chris and I had to dance together alone on the floor. ALONE! I don’t dance. Chris was mainly just smiling at me while I panicked. Once people started to join us I relaxed and started dancing more with him. Phoenix and Jamie were dancing close. Very close.
‘I might have a word with him about her.’ I muttered.
‘Let it go.’