On the day that the sacred squirrel Cleopatra died, my mother told me to go visit my ill grandmother. In the Slender woods. I'll most likely die on the way there. . .but whatever!
"Go take your grandmother something to help her get better!"
"What would that be, MOTHER?!"
"DAUGHTER, haven't you read the latest studies? Drugs are the solution to everything!" She shoves a basket of something into my chest.
"What's this?" I ask. Then it hits me. "Is it rock candy???"
Mother stares at the basket for a moment, then speaks, "I don't remember, little girl. . .wait, why are you in my house?!"
"Mom, I'm your daughter."
"Hah, no." She says, then pushes me out the door. "By the way, that basket goes to the old lady in the Slender woods."
"No. That lady would not give birth to an ugly little boy like you."
"I'm a girl and YOU'RE my mother, she's my GRANDmother."
"Really? You're a girl??? Ewwwwwww! Now go! Bye, don't die." And with that she slams the door in my face.
Hmmmmm. . . What do I do now? I just got kicked out of my own house. I could either (1) hang around here til my mother comes to her senses or (2) go to my grandmother's and possibly get killed by Slenderman.
I'll go to grandma's.
I skip through the woods, with the basket swinging in hand. I've only heard a few screams and distance static noise, so I'm pretty sure I'm safe. Halfway through my long journey (Approximately 5 minutes), I spot a man. Staring at me. He looks nice. I skip up to him, still swinging the basket in my hand. When I get close to him, the static gets louder, so I hit him in the face with my basket.
"Will you, PUH-LEEZ, stahp with that awful static. It's burning my retinas."
"Are you DED?" I ask.
Finally, I hear a seductive whisper.
I realize that he hasn't moved the whole time I've been here.
I also realize that he has no face.
"I like your face." I say, complimenting him.
"Was that a joke?"
I glare at him. This tall man is pretty stupid. I move to the right to walk around him and continue on my journey.
Approximately another 5 minutes later, I arrive at my Grandmother's house. I try the door, but it is locked. I look in the window to see the tall-skinny-faceless man. Well, looks like I've made my first friend since I was three, but that's a gory story I'm NOT going in to detail with.
Anyway, the window. I smash it with my basket. This basket is coming in handy, I guess. When I climb through the window, I see the tall man sprout more limbs from his back, and swallow a wolf in an old dress whole. That's interesting. I stole that dress from my friend, you know, the one when I was three?
The tall man turns to me. I pummel him black and blue with my basket. Then I swallow him whole. It was sooooo cool, my jaw unhinged LIKE A SNAKE'S OR SOMETHING. Either that, or I broke it.
All of the sudden, the door is kicked in, and my mother stands in the threshold with a bloody axe.
"Where is she?" She snarls. I guess we both have animal qualities.
"Yaaasss boy! I saw her get eaten by a wolf. He practically swallowed her whole." Well, this is ironic.
"I saw a wolf get eaten by this really slender man." I said, unsure about my mother's mental stability.
"What happened to him?"
I pat my over-sized stomach. "I ate him, duh."
Then my mom raises the axe and splits open my stomach, entrails splitting and everything. It's a pretty gruesome sight.
Slowly, the slender man rolls onto the floor with a wet splat. Then Mom cuts him open also. Then the wolf. And finally, my half digested grandmother is exposed.
Mother exclaims, "AHAH!!!" then she drags grandmother's limp body away into the woods.
Slowly, the slender man turns his head in my direction.