By: Florence Morgan, Deml, GirlOfManyFandoms
*inhales a deep breath* READ THIS NOW!!! *exhales* when I first started this movella I expected hovercrafts and cool technology but this so much more! Yes, there was mistakes, but every story has at least one mistake. I'm not going to spoil it, but the ending was like wow. I almost thought they were going to make out! Also that thing with the general… I refuse to spoil it… but WOW!
You go a bit over board with the stuttering, in my oppinion. I'm also confused on how to pronounce "Adwr". When the intercom came on it said for the students to report, report where? The color changing hair was strange but I grew to like it. I would explain why it's color changing. Did they take a pill that changed part of their DNA or is it something special for people on their planet? After someone says something use something like, "Queen Layora narrowed her eyes at me with skeptism." To enhance the mood of the scene. It would also make the readers more enticed. You say "Queen Layora ordered sternly, and with a flick of ther hand, the General turned on his heel and left." I believe it would be more effective if you say, "Queen Layora ordered sternly, and with a flick of the wrist, dismissed the general." When something is said by someone the paragraph is about the speaker, their reactions, and the topic spoken. If you want someone else to say something you must change paragraphs. You say, "…and I collected my things, hurriedly." I would say, "… and I collected my belongings as fast I could. The quicker I leave this boring classroom the better, although, I was curious as to why they asked us to report." I would say, "He appeared to be over forty years old." Not, "He looked forty plus years old." (Maybe it's just me)
Remember: use punctuation at the end of what people say. Ex: "word" would be, "Word." Also you should describe people's appearances more (eye color, hair color, etc. not a big deal) also capitalize Queen.
"No! Why me? I groan glumly in my head." Should be, "No! Why me?! My heart is trying to leap out of my chest and run away. I can't say I blamed it, I felt the same." Just to add a little personification and interest.
You should use "morning" instead of "morn" when writing. "Third time lucky" could probably also be "Third time's the charm". I think "My friend and me." Should be written as "My friend and I."
I like the way the military Com-De is described and how it malfunctions at the end of the maze. That adds a bit of extra interest to the story.
It was pretty. The font was kind of small and the image didn't have too much to do with a story. An image of the characters, the gem, or a maze would be more accurate.
TITLE MATCHING STORY: 8/10
The term "Bellem Potestas" was used once and not mentioned again. The movella should be called something like "Search for the Great Gem" or "The Heroes and the Gem" idk.
Really accurate!!! I think that you could have said more about the planet they live on and the one they must go to. All in all really good blurb! I like the questions.
PLOT AND STORY: 9.5/10
This was amazing! Only .5 was deducted because a little more detail about how things looked could have been nice. I didn't expect to give anything such high points so great job!!!
GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: 7/10
There were a good amount of mistakes but nothing big. Like getting words mixed up. 'Were' instead of 'Where' type things.
FINAL RATING: 8.4/10
Awesome job, Florence Morgan, Deml, GirlOfManyFandoms, you guys really did well. I felt when it was over I had a slight bond with the characters. At the ending I was holding my breath!!! I really wanted them to kiss! Lol!