1. Living In Hell
"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming."
Depression is hell. It steals your hopes, your dreams, your motivation. your friends. It takes away your life. I never asked for any of this... so why did it happen to me?
My life turned upside down from the age of 14. On July 29th 2011, my mother was killed in a car crash - she was a passenger, the driver had been drinking. My father never coped with this very well and became dependant on alcohol, this soon led to a drinking problem and him being labelled an "alcoholic" I tried to care for him and I tried to get him the help he needed, it was never good enough and he soon became abusive and I was left with countless bruises from head to toe - what a bastard. In addition to this I was bullied at school, people would always make fun of my weight and would throw comments at me about my dad, this led to me locking myself in my room for hours crying my heart out, and I cut down on what I ate leaving me to drop a few dress sizes. Soon I needed physical pain to cope with the emotional distress and self harm became the only clear option. This all happened by the age of 15. Wanting to help myself I took a trip down to my doctors. I told him my story. He ran some tests and several weeks later I was diagnosed with "severe depression" and I was also borderline anorexic. So I am battling an eating disorder too. Great. Now I spend my time taking stupid pills in an attempt to "make me better"
My rhetorical question was what if I didn't want to get better, what if there was reason for me to live? What if I was stuck in a shitty vicious circle of life which never let me escape from my demons.
This was my frame of mind until I met him - Alexander James Henway, the 19 year old British guy that saved my life.