Castles


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6. I'm Fine

I sit cross legged in my bed while Doctor Genius explains the scan to Derek.

I wasn't even listening to what he was saying until Derek was hugging me saying "I love you" and "I'm sorry".

"An oncologist will be in shortly to go over your options," Doctor Genius looks at me sympathetically and leaves.

I look at Derek who is crying now.

"Derek? What's wrong? What'd he say? What's he mean 'options'? I'm fine. I can move now. I'm fine!" I start crying too, because I know that I'm not fine. It was just so much easier to accept it when I didn't feel fine. When I was stuck in my body, unable to move. And now that I regained that much, I don't want to face the un-fine.

Derek hugs me and I cry into his shoulder as he strokes my hair, repeatedly insisting that I'm not sick.

I hear the door open and someone clears their throat.

"I'm very sorry for what you're going through," the doctor, a woman this time, says, " but it really is best to understand all you're options immediately. That way you can choose a course of treatment sooner."

She's very pretty. She has dark skin and long, crazy curly dark hair. But her eyes are piercing blue. And her words emotionless. She reminds me of a robot. And AI created to deliver bad news without getting tied up in the sadness of it all.

"Again with the options?" I say, exasperated. "I said it before and I'll say it again. I AM FINE! I can move now. Why don't you people seem to understand that this is a good thing? I'm fine! Get over it. Get over yourselves! And your stupid PhDs! I'm fine. Healthy. Not. Sick." Im standing on the hospital bed now, frowning down at the doctor.

"I'm really sorry. But you are. You are in fact very sick and the only way it going to get any better is of you agree to choose a course of treatment. I'm really very sorry-"

"Say it again and I'll rip your hair out," I threaten her.

"ASH!" Derek yells at me. I scowl at him.

"WHAT? She's not sorry. She doesn't know. She doesn't even care. She a robot!"

"Well that makes her at fault. Doesn't mean that you must sink too."

He's my brother and he's an idiot, but he's also a genius. A genius who knows just what to say to calm me down.

"I'm sorry," I snarl at the doctor.

"I get it all the time," she responded, awkwardly chuckling a little.

Yeah I bet you would, you evil, emotionless, witch.

But I would never say that out loud.

Would I?

Then I see the tears in her eyes and feel my brother's on me and realize maybe I would.

And I did.

"Ash, this is just unacceptable," Derek says through gritted teeth.

I don't dare look at him. I know what his face would look like.

Disgust. Disappointment.

And I can't bare to see that right now.

"It's fine. It's a sized effect of the tumor. It's location not only makes it difficult to remove completely but it also effects her personality." She looks at me with sad eyes.

Go ahead. Show emotion now that I've torn you apart.

"Ash!"

What now I don't have a single thought to myself?

"No. Not really. The tumor causes you to say every thought that comes into your head out loud.

Can we just sedate me then? That way I don't embarrass myself?

The doctor laughs, and I realize I said that out loud too.

Well she may be a robot, but she's a robot with a nice smile.

"Thank you," she says, still smiling.

I'm feeling a little but better until an even darker thought dawns on me.

"Wait," my voice threatens to crack but I force myself to toughen up. "Did you say... Tumor? In my my brain." A tear falls and I give up on staying strong. Three more tears fall into my lap before I continue. "I'm- I'm gonna die."

The room get silent and solemn.

Nobody seems to have anything to say to disagree with me.

That doesn't help guys, come on!

"We will explore every option, every treatment, and every possibility. There is no way that you are going down without taking me with you."

I don't even know her name.

But she's gettin kinda awesome.

"Doctor- my name is Maya Monet."

Got a nice ring to it.

She smiles at me, flattered.

Yeah I'm starting to warm up to her but I really wish I could keep my thoughts in my head.

"It's fine. Just remember, it's the tumor talking." She smiles at me and I smile back.

Then she leaves and it's just me and Derek.

"Hold on."

He races out the door and it's just me and my brain tumor.

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