Diary Entries

Just some diary entries, blogs, more about life and etc. Sorry not a big fan of fanfic.

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1. Blog

Secrets. Secrets is what makes us close. Everyone has secrets. Some people might even discover it first that you. I can still remember my first day of school at St. Francis, also known as hell. It was 4th grade when i came. When i first got to school in the morning i was really scared because i was nervous. What if they don`t like me? What if they hate me? I have so many what if`s and question running in my mind. My first day turns out to be good, than i expected. That`s when i realize on 5th grade. I have a really good friend name rachel. From now on we`ve been friends for 3 years. On 5th grade. I didnt really know anyone else because i was really really shy. Rachel was the only one who was courage to be friends with me. ~1 year later~ Begining of school year again. I`m really scared who my classmates are gonna be. OMG! Carter Peggy is my freaking classmate. (By the way Carter Peggy is someone i really really like. But that was when he bullied me) Second day of school. What happened. Why did i start thinking negative things about myself? Is it because everytime i look in the mirror. I always saw a giant ugly figure. Everytime i ask my mom or other people if i look fat. They would say `You look average or normal`. I don`t look fat or skinny. I would always cry to myself or not seleep thinking about it. Maybe if i start working out or maybe try diet. Maybe, just maybe i could lose weigh. And so i did. But turns out it got worst. I didn`t eat lunch everyday. I always get paler, my stomach would hurt every second or people would notice i have eye bags in my eyes. I wish everyone can see behind a smile is always a fake smile. I always compare myself to others. I know it`s selfish. But every time i do something i would just blame myself for blame someone. I always end up being guilty and ashamed at myself. That`s when i started eating again. Because they told me if i don`t eat lunch they wouldn`t be friends with me. One thing i started eating again is Carter.I know it`s weird because i started eating just for a boy. He`s not just a friend. He`s like my brother from another mother. Hehehe. I still remember the time he bullied me. He called me selfish, immature, and made fun of Philippines. That`s when i lose my anger and just temporarily rip out my duo tangs and my french work. Everyone was probably scared of me. But i was wrong. I ask my friend Irene if did they say anything. All she said the next day everyone called me the psycho. You know that one really hurt me. But she told me Carter and Mack didn't called me that. I hardly believe that. Sure i was really mad. But how dare they call me that. I always swear everyday i will get revenge on them. The next day when i was getting dolled up for songbirds (songbirds is kinda our actually music and dancing group in our school, and that time we had assembly for veterans or soldiers who died in war.) You know what surprises me. Carter Peggy apologized to me. That one surprises me. He ins`t actually the type of person who apologize. He`s actually a bad boy, class clown and troublemaker. But he still insisted, either that or his friend told him to. I freaking doubt it. But yeah i forgotten the past and moved on. So now me and him are mega bestfriends. One time when one of my friends found out Shay was paying me to do her homework. He was standing up for me. Hahahahahaha. Even when me and all my other girl classmates has to go to the girls washroom together since our senior bathroom was broken. He followed me still. But Mrs trudelle notice that he was following me. And the rest of us saw and just laugh at him. He won`t actually go away unless he finds out if somethings bothering you or he`s just like Rachel. Ooooh i forgot to tell you who Rachel is. Well Rachel is a biotch. (excuse my language children) But anyway, at the first beginning of the school year she was nice to me, too nice. But that's when i`ve notice she changed. I always hear her talking behind people`s back. I always see her talking to the popular group aka Christine, Mackenzie, Kelly, Britney and Suzanna. My mom always told me to stay away from her because she`s a bad influence to me and she`s gonna talk behind my back like everyone else does. But no, i always though deep inside there`s always a good person. I was really wrong about that. That`s why i probably notice that she`s always with me and stuff. I got bullied along the way. I don`t even wanna mention there names because i know that they would just be another nightmare to me. Every single day i always think to myself. What is wrong with me? Why does everybody think i`m pathetic and a psycho? I don`t need everyone sympathy and pity. Because i know they would see i need to stop these non sense and if i`m just doing these for attention. But at the end they always tell me not to hold my problems. Tell someone. Wow that's freaking great. Thanks. Last time i check they were gonna send me to a mental hospital. My parents got so angry. That they transferred me and my little brother to mclurg. I never really knew mclurg back then since it was public school. my first reaction was starting my life all over again. I was kinda happy and excited at the same time. Sad? Angry? Nah i don`t think so. Why would i be freaking sad to the people who bullied me and wont leave me alone, until they know my whole life. Maybe angry because i will never forget those memories that`s always keeping me up every night.

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