Yours Infinitely~ hs

He signed every letter with 'Yours Infinitely' because even though she was deceased, he would belong to her forever.

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6. letter #5

Dear Lil,

So thinking about you less and dreaming about you isn't doing so well for me. You see I love you so much, that forcing myself to restrict my mind to think of you at specific times of the day is unbearable.

I am not getting better at coping.

I am becoming worse.

It has been months, too.

I do not see myself ever, even after I die, getting over you. Lily, you impacted my life so greatly, I cannot move forward from the time you were a constant presence. You did not just leave a crack in me, you left a fault much deeper than the San Andreas fault in California- it's so great, an earthquake of a magnitude of one on the Richter scale could destroy me. You did not just write your name and move on. You fucking carved and engraved the shit out of your name, permanently tattooing it on each and every one of my bones so that when I die, people after will able to know you owned me.

That's exactly it, Lily, you own me. I was yours forever and always. I still am. I always will be.

I think this is what my biggest obstacle all these months was. I could not seem to grasp this concept. Yes, I knew I loved you to the ends of the universe and an infinite amount of times back and forth. I am almost sure I loved you more than I love my mother, father, and family. You were and always will be the only person I care about in existence.

And now I understand so damn much. I can see it. I can feel it in every nerve of my body.

Lily Anne Gates, I love you. As much as I need you, as much as I want to hold you as close as it is possible and never let go, as much as I want to love you in every way that I can, I am letting go.

I can't just wait until I fall asleep and pretend that you're alive and be satisfied. That is unhealthy for me. It is like I am living two lives- the one where you are gone and the one where you are still alive. My dreams were becoming too real to the point where one morning I woke up and believed you were up and about somewhere in my apartment.

I was a mess. I admit I was a mess not only outside, but more clearly inside. The only thing I am grateful of during my time of grief was that I did not feel or succumb to any urge of drinking as if that were an answer or mechanism to rid me of thinking about you.

But now Lily, I am a new person. I have woken up from a nightmare and hellish night to see the fucking light, and baby it's burning bright. I do not need to drink a cup of coffee to wake up in the morning. I do not have to suffer from insomnia at night as I lay down for bed. I do not have to worry about all the hours, minutes, and seconds between.

Lily, I am free.

I am letting go like Jack let Rose go even though he didn't have to.

I love you, Lily Anne Gates. Forever and always. But I may have finished my grieving by some odd and spectacular moment like I had this epiphany.

I don't know, but I felt I had to write to you as soon as all these thoughts came to me. I'll continue to keep you updated. I hope you are safe and well.

Oh, and one more thing. There's this elderly man who visits the cemetery where you are. His wife passed away fifty years ago. He is eighty-three. He goes every day to visit her. It's his daily routine that has not changed since her funeral. He told me last time I visited you it was a promise he made to himself. I saw him with a watering can and asked him about it. He told me he waters the flowers for her as well as other ones on other surrounding graves. He admitted he waters yours. I asked why and he told me he knows you.

I freaked out, Lil. He assured me that it was only after you were buried. He told me he talks to you every day. I found that comforting because there I thought I was the only one, but I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm glad you have others to listen, too. He's nice, isn't he?

Alright, this became more wordy than I intended. I love you.

Signed,

Yours Infinitely.

++

Harry clicked his pen and placed it beside him before reading his letter again. There were lines furiously drawn through words and phrases, arrows pointing here, there, almost everywhere across the paper. He took his lip between two fingers, a habit he tended to do when he was in thought and concentrating. He was nervous, actually, extremely nervous.

He just declared his love for Lily in the letter. Yes, he has told her he loved her many times before, but this was his declaration to himself, Lily, and the universe. He was absolutely in love with her and it was the love that will last for eternity and beyond the end of time.

And what made him more nervous was that he wasn't upset. He was perfectly okay with the fact that Lily was dead and she was gone for good. He knew for sure that Lily was only physically dead. That old man, Mr. Greenwich, talked to her. He knows her and so all those talks- from the early morning to late at night- Lily heard. All his pleas and cries were heard by her.

That man was his sign and all the belief he needed to know Lily will always be with him and maybe it is okay to finally move on.

Harry pinched his lip harder at that thought, let his lip free from his harsh hold, and shook his head. Moving on from Lily Anne Gates isn't that easy. After all, she owns him.

 

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