Rouge Toons

In this action comedy spoofing James Bond, Iron Man, Game of Thrones and 'Frozen (2013) among others, Hamton J. Pig, Rita and Runt must team with a beautiful yet mysterious pig in order to save their co-stars and the world from an evil magic...

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13. Welcome to Bestorush

WAIL! WAIL!
   The P.E.E.L.E.D. agents jumped up from the alarm blaring.
Rond, who was wearing her P.E.E.L.E.D. uniform again, drew out her sonic-wave pistol and aimed it all over the place. “What is it, J.A.N.Y.I.S.?” she yelled.
   The alarm stopped.
   “We have reached the Island of Bestorush,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   The silent and confused spies looked ahead to see that they have just landed on a tropical island.
   “Thanks for nearly letting the bad guys know where we are, J.A.N.Y.I.S.,” Rond said sarcastically.
   “You’re welcome,” said J.A.N.Y.I.S.
   “Oh, boy,” cried Runt happily as he jumped down and ran on the sand. He was enjoying it. “Real sand. Definitely real sand.” Then he could smell something. He closed his eyes and started to follow the smell with his nose.
   “Runt!” Rond shouted. “Come here!”
   Runt whimpered as he slowly walked to Rond.
   The pig spy sighed. “Look, I’m sorry I snapped,” she said. “It’s just that this island may look pleasant from out here, but the forest in the middle could be very dangerous.”
   Everyone saw the dark green leaves of the tall trees and prickly brushes with complete darkness between the gaps. It made them shiver looking at them.
   “So it’s a dark forest,” said Rita. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
   “It’s not just any dark forest,” said Rond. “According to J.A.N.Y.I.S., in the forest, there are dragons, strange furry creatures and even the ruler of all this evil magic.”
   That alarmed Hamton and Rita, but Runt was elastic.
   “Oh, good,” cried the mutt. “When do we get to meet them, huh? Huh? When do we?”
   “I don’t think you want to meet them, Runt,” said Rond. “So, to complete this mission easily, we must stick together, find this orb, destroy all three and get out of here for good. Clear?”
   Her teammates nodded.
   “But where is the orb, Jane?” asked Hamton.
   “J.A.N.Y.I.S., who has triple-checked this time,” said Rond, “is in the biggest and only building on the island: Castle Mud-Dancer. Now, let’s go and don’t get lost.”
Then they bravely entered the deep dark forest. 


The heroes hadn’t been walking for too long but Hamton was scared as seeing sausages in the butchers as he trod through the forest. Rita was feeling a little nervous herself.
   Despite feeling a little scared, Rond was more focused as she aimed her sonic-boom pistol all over the place. Then she heard Runt sniffing so she gave everyone a halt sign and turned around to see what Runt was sniffing. All everyone could see was the mutt’s large lower half body sticking out of a dark patch area under the trees.
   “What have you found, boy?” Rond asked.
   Runt dug in closer into the darkness.
   “Runt, get out of there!” cried Rita. Even though they weren’t speaking, she knew deep down she still cared about him, even if he didn’t.
   Rond ran to the dark area and shone a big torch. Then she saw that nothing was pulling Runt in, except a boring, dusty, old bone. She sighed as she picked up the bone and chucked it to the dog. “Chew it quietly,” she warned.
   They carried on walking. Rond studied her tracking device and looked ahead. She smiled and turned around. “We are only two miles away, guys,” she said.
  “That’s good, Jane,” said Hamton. 
   Then her smile fell down.
   “I haven’t got your tongue,” said Rita. “So who has?”
   Rond just pointed. Her teammates turned around and saw nothing but a bunch of strange furry creatures. Wait! A bunch of strange furry creatures?!
   Rond’s teammates ran behind her as she stared at them unafraid. As she stared at them, they reminded her of someone they meet at the K2.
   “If you’re looking for someone called Jelix Fighter,” said Rond, “we don’t know where he is.”
   “We couldn’t care if that traitor got brain tumour,” said the chief of the strange furry creatures, who was the tallest, strongest and furriest of all of his people.
   “Who are you people?” asked Rita.
   “We are called the Bothers,” said the Chief.
   “No wonder, after all the bothering you do,” Rita muttered.
   “And all we want is your orbs,” went on the Chief.
   “So many people wanted our orbs,” said Rond. “And here is the answer we gave them.” She fired her sonic-boom gun at the Bothers. The whole clan was zoomed into the sky.
   “They’ll be back and next time they won’t be friendly,” said Rond. “Come on.”
   “They didn’t look very friendly to me in the first place,” said Hamton.
   “They all looked very pleasant to me,” said Runt.
   SNAP!
   That made the dog turn around and snarl. His three friends looked ahead to see they were joined a large pack of strange dog-like creatures, carrying swords and spears, wearing ragged and ripped clothes like the Bothers and snarling with their sharp long teeth.
   “Oh, don’t tell me you’re all dire wolves,” said Rond.
   “No,” said their leader. “We are the Weird Wolves.”
   “Weird Wolves?” Rond had to laugh. “Couldn’t the author come up with a better name for you parody pack of dire wolves?”
   “Okay, you had your laugh,” said the Weird Wolf leader. “Now give us the orbs.”
   “Okay,” said Rond, chucking them her rucksack.
   The leader caught it but the bag made him fell down with him. “Boy, they’re heavy,” he said.
   “They’re magic orbs,” said Rond. “What do you expect?”
   The leader opened the bag and scowled after he looked in. “No wonder they’re so heavy,” he said, as he got out of the bag a heavy rock.
   Then he looked ahead and saw Rond and her teammates running away.
   “Look!” He pointed, dropping the heavy rock in progress. “They’re getting –  OW!”
   He hopped up and down as he held his foot on in his paws. His pack was laughing at him.
   “Stop laughing!” he yelled. “And get after them!”


Rond and her friends were running as fast as they could. But Hamton was panting.
   “Can we stop?” asked Hamton. “I’m tired and hungry.”
   “Fine time you’ve picked to think with your stomach,” said Rond. “Look, it’s only five minutes away.”
   Everyone looked to see Rond was pointing to a giant medieval stony castle that didn’t far away at all.
   “Speaking of eating,” said Rita. “Look!”
   She pointed with her claw and everyone looked up above them to see they were facing a whole herd of dragons! Huge dragons, tiny dragons, dragons that could breathe fire, dragons that could breathe ice, dragons that could breathe electricity, dragons with sharp teeth and dragons with cute little pink bow ties on their heads.
   “You guys want these orbs, right?” asked Rond.
   “Yes,” said a squeaky voice.
   “Who said that?” asked Rond.
   The biggest, strongest, greenest dragon flew closer to her, yet she didn’t budge a bit as she stared into his menacing face.
   “Out of the way!” shouted the squeaky voice.
   “But, sir, I was going to announce you,” said the big dragon.
   “No time for that,” protested the voice. “Now, move!”
   The big dragon flew out of the way and Rond and her teammates saw a yellow dragon no bigger than a dragon… fly! They couldn’t help but snigger.
   “Stop that!” shouted the tiny dragon. “I am the leader because I am the smartest of all these dragons. Now, give me the orbs!”
   “What will you do to us if I don’t?” asked Rond.
   “You will be eaten either way,” said the little dragon. “You will never be allowed to walk away from us.”
   “For a smart dragon, you’re not very good at making deals,” said Rond.
   “Uh, oh,” cried Runt. “Company. Bad company. Definitely bad.”
   Rond and the others turned around to see the Bothers and the Wired Wolves running towards them with lit torches, swords and spears.
   “Do you really think you lot can eat all four of us between you?” asked Rond.
   “What do you mean?” asked the little dragon.
   “There’s only four of us, but plenty of them,” Rond explained, pointing to the two armies coming towards them. “Plenty for all of you to eat.”
   The tiny dragon looked ahead and saw the armies of the Bothers and the Weird Wolves coming towards them. “Now, that’s a good deal,” he said. Then he turned to his dragons. “Come on, guys. Let’s feast!”
   The dragons flew past the heroes and charged for the two armies.
   “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” asked the Chief Bother. “We’re on your side.”
   “Are you?” said the little dragon.
   “Some genius dragon you are,” his bodyguard chuckled.
   “Yeah, especially since they’ve reached the castle now,” said the Chief Wired Wolf.
   “What?” the little dragon cried.
   They all turned to see the castle door closing.


Rond and her teammates looked around the massive, stony room in the castle.
   “Look, the Orb is in the middle,” said Rita, pointing to the middle of the room.
   “So what are we waiting for?” asked Hamton.
   “Wait!” cried Rond. “Look around. No torches, no weapons and not even a throne seat in this room. However, there are some ripped ancient black and red curtains.”
   “So, what?” Rita asked.
   “Something doesn’t make me feel comfortable about just getting it like that,” she explained.
   Runt jumped towards the orb and pushed it off.
   “Looks okay to me,” said Rita. “Runt has just pushed that orb off the platform and nothing has happened.”
   The orb rolled to near Rond. She looked around to check there was no hidden armies or booby traps before she picked it up.
   She sighed a relief and smiled. “Right, let’s turn these orbs to ashes.”
   Her teammates cheered and started walking off. Then they felt the floor below them fall and

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